FORGIVENESS
A Sermon by Dean Scotty McLennan
University Public Worship
Stanford Memorial Church
September 14, 2008
“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”[i] That’s what we Christians recite in the Lord’s Prayer (or perhaps using a different translation of the original Greek, we say “Forgive us our debts” or “Forgive us our sins”). “How often should I forgive?” Jesus is asked in today’s gospel lesson.[ii] “As many as seven times?” No, Jesus responds. “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.”[iii] Today’s sermon is all about forgiveness. What does it mean? How can we practice it? What does it do for us?
Leo Tolstoy, as he was approaching the age of 60, wrote a very powerful short novel called The Death of Ivan Ilyich. We discussed it on Friday in the Sophomore College class I’m now teaching, rather expansively named “The Meaning of Life.” Those students are here this morning. The title character in Tolstoy’s story, who dies of a terminal illness at the age of 45, is a successful lawyer and judge, but he has a troubled and distant relationship with his wife and two children. The last word he tries to say on his deathbed is “Forgive.” Why forgive? Presumably he was asking forgiveness for himself for not being the loving husband and father he should have been. But he might also have been saying that he forgave those closest to him for not seeming to care for him in his final illness. He felt that virtually no one understood him and had sympathy for him. In the words of the novel, “No one gave him the kind of compassion he craved…He wanted to be caressed, kissed, cried over, as sick children are caressed and comforted…He cried about his helplessness, about his terrible loneliness, about the cruelty of people…”[iv] But after trying to say the word Forgive, “suddenly it became clear to him that what had been oppressing him and would not leave him was vanishing all at once…’And the pain?’ he asked himself. ‘Where has it gone? Now, then, pain, where are you?’”[v]
We also have before us this morning the story from Genesis that Peter read of Joseph and his brothers.[vi] Earlier in life, these brothers had plotted to kill Joseph, but ended up selling him into slavery and then returning home to their father with Joseph’s coat of many colors covered with goat’s blood and with a claim that he’d been devoured by a wild animal. Despite all this, Joseph later brings them all to Egypt in the midst of a famine and feeds them from storage grains, gives them a livelihood and land to live on. After their father Jacob dies, and the brothers are worried that Joseph still bears a grudge against them -- and will pay them back in full for all the wrong they did him – Joseph forgives them without question and continues to provide for them and their offspring. Joseph goes on to live a long and prosperous life himself, surrounded by his grandchildren and great-grandchildren.[vii]
There’s a kind of magic to the effect of forgiveness both for Joseph and for Ivan Ilyich. Is this just the stuff of story and myth, or is there a reality for us today? As many of you know, Stanford has had a Forgiveness Project, founded by Dr. Fred Luskin. He’s also the author of three books, including Forgive for Good, published in 2002, and Forgive for Love, published just last year. Luskin has a Ph.D. in counseling and health psychology from Stanford, and he cites some pretty dramatic research results on the effects of practicing forgiveness: “People who are more forgiving report fewer health problems…[while those] who blame other people for their troubles have a higher incidence of illnesses such as cardiovascular disease and cancer. People who harbor resentment and refuse to forgive show negative changes in blood pressure, muscle tension, and immune response…[while those] who imagine forgiving their offender[s] note immediate improvement in their cardiovascular, muscular, and nervous systems. Angry people with moderately high blood pressure who learn to forgive show a reduction in their blood pressure and their anger…People who learn to forgive report less stress and fewer of the physical symptoms of stress.”[viii]
Luskin asserts that people often misunderstand the nature of forgiveness, describing one of the faulty sources of information as “old church sermons.”[ix] Hopefully this is a “new church sermon.” Ideas that Luskin claims are wrong about forgiveness are that it means condoning unkind actions, prevents one from seeking justice, serves as a precursor to reconciliation, or requires one to forget about what happened. Instead he sees it primarily as a matter of letting go of one’s own anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, despair and other related emotions.[x] He describes it as “giving up all hope for a better past” and instead planning for a better future for oneself. It includes “the ability to remain [calm] or at peace when you do not get what you want.” It’s not an easy road and usually requires going through a personal grieving process, which can take between six months and two years for major offenses and losses. It’s about one’s own healing and not about another’s action, so it doesn’t require any kind of reciprocation by the one you’ve forgiven.
This may help explain why Ivan Ilyich has such a transformational experience on his deathbed when he moves to forgiveness. Even though his alienated family doesn’t realize that he’s either offering them forgiveness or seeking forgiveness himself, Ivan feels released from the oppression of all of his own negative feelings, including his fear of death. There’s an explicitly theological dimension here, because Ivan senses that even though he can’t get the word “forgive” out for others around him to hear, he knows “that He who needed to understand [namely God] would understand.”[xi] Yet, there’s also a very human dimension of his getting beyond his own past and of substituting feelings of love for his wife and children now for his prior feelings of anger and resentment. He finds a new sense of calm and peace in the here and now, even though he knows he’s not getting what he wants in terms of a longer life.
Luskin also writes of the importance of self-forgiveness for one’s own transgressions. We all need to get beyond being trapped in guilt and shame for our past actions. That means learning how to become gentle and accepting of our own failings, which may then lead us to try to make amends and heal the harm done, but not necessarily. Ivan Ilyich doesn’t have the opportunity to make any amends, but he seems to be relieved by having forgiven himself as well as thinking he’s experienced God’s forgiveness.[xii]
Joseph’s forgiveness in the Biblical story is quite remarkable. Although he does manipulate his brothers and create some difficulties for them before they recognize him, he ultimately weeps for joy in seeing his family members again and tells them not to be distressed or angry with themselves for selling him into slavery. He doesn’t expect any kind of apology or reciprocation from them, although it turns out that his brothers are very grateful for his generosity. There’s a theological dimension here as well, since Joseph sees a dimension of fate – of God’s helping preserve the patriarchal lineage of the Jewish people that might have been extinguished in the seven years of famine had Joseph not ended up, through being sold into slavery, as the second-in-command to the Pharaoh of Egypt. However, the powerful human dimension of forgiveness remains, and as one commentary has put it, historically Joseph has represented “the triumph of magnanimity over fraternal ill will.”[xiii] In any case, it’s clear that Joseph then lives to a ripe old age, free of the debilitating emotions of anger and bitterness.
Luskin explains how research has demonstrated that forgiveness helps one feel better physically. That turns out to be because “It is very stressful to be constantly at war with certain parts of your life. Telling yourself again and again that you got a raw deal…is hard on your heart and nervous system…By forgiving, we are able to let go of our resentment and reduce the strain it places on our body.”[xiv] There’s also another dimension beyond the self. Luskin points out that “When you decide to really forgive…you create an opening into a deep and sustaining love” for another person or persons.[xv]
Luskin’s books are full of concrete, practical suggestions for learning and practicing forgiveness. He sees this much like going to the gym to develop physical muscles: “Forgiveness muscles must be worked out regularly, just like your biceps or abs, in order to grow strong and reliable.”[xvi] Taking the opportunity to forgive small transgressions on a daily basis leads to the strength to forgive major offenses when they occur. He also presents breathing exercises drawn from meditation, which allow one to slow down throughout the day and appreciate the positives in life. He suggests visualization exercises to access the love one has within one’s own heart. He recommends regularly saying the Serenity Prayer, which has been attributed to theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, to build capacity to accept what one can’t change: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”[xvii]
Another technique of Luskin’s that I want to leave you with is regularly re-writing one’s own life narrative from a victim story, emphasizing grievances, to a hero story, emphasizing how challenges have been faced and overcome. This can be done literally by journal writing or simply by reflection and contemplation: “You may not be able to get better parents or undo the damage done by a hit-and-run driver. You may not be able to make your spouse love you again or your children care for you. You may not be able to succeed in school or get the job promotion you wanted… However, there is no situation where you cannot change the way you talk about what happened. You can always find a more hopeful and positive slant…Our story is how we put events into perspective and assign meaning to what happened… As we tell our story…the meaning we create from hurtful situations determines the effect these events will have on our life.”[xviii]
So how often should we forgive those who trespass against us? “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.”[xix]
BENEDICTION
(The benediction is Reinhold Niebuhr’s)
Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime;
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense
in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone;
Therefore we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint
of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love,
which is forgiveness.[xx]
NOTES
1
[i] Matthew 6:12.
[ii] Matthew 18: 21-35.
[iii] Matthew 18: 21-22.
[iv] Leo Tolstoy, The Death of Ivan Ilyich (New York: Bantam Classic, 2004), pp. 87, 100.
[v]Ibid., p. 133.
[vi] Genesis 50: 15-21.
[vii] See Genesis chapters 37-50.
[viii] Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love: The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship (New York: HarperOne, 2007), p. 32-33.
[ix]Ibid., p. 11.
[x]Ibid., p. 21.
[xi] Tolstoy, Death of Ivan Ilyich, p. 113.
[xii] Luskin, Forgive for Love, pp. 209, 216, 225.
[xiii] Peter Calvocoressi, Who’s Who in the Bible (London: Penguin Books, 1999), p. 96.
[xiv] Luskin, Forgive for Love, pp. 31-32.
[xv]Ibid., p. 51.
[xvi]Ibid., p. 65.
[xvii] AAHistory.com, “The Origin of Our Serenity Prayer,”
[xviii] Fred Luskin, Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness (HarperSanFrancisco, 2002), pp. 137-138.
[xix] Matthew 18: 22.
[xx] Reinhold Niebuhr, “We Must Be Saved,” as reproduced in Singing the Living Tradition (Boston: Beacon Press, 1993), #461.