RESOURCE GUIDANCE NOTES
Title of Resource: Domestic Abuse – What Does It Look Like?Client: Older adolescents, Adults
Purpose: This worksheet can be used to help victims/survivors of domestic violence and abuse, identify many of the different ways they may have been abused. This worksheet helps them to recognise some of the tools of control, coercion and intimidation that they may not previously have been aware of.
Please Note: This worksheet should be used by an experienced support worker in a direct face-to-face meeting with the client. It can be a very emotive worksheet as many clients start to see for the first time, the level of abuse they have been experiencing. Time must be available to manage the emotional impact.
Guidance for Use:
· Ask the client initially what they think ‘Domestic Violence and Abuse’ is and to give specific examples they can relate to.
· Read through the ‘official’ definition and explore if this makes them think about it differently?
· Ask the client to read the following pages and to tick the abusive behaviours they have experienced during their abusive relationship(s).
· Ask them not to think about it too deeply but to tick even when it is something they may only have experienced once.
· If a client has literacy problems, read the questions to the client. Try not to dwell at this stage on specific examples; Yes/No focus.
· There is a section on Sexual Abuse and some clients may find this difficult to actually talk about (ensure you are able to speak about it yourself); some find this questionnaire useful as it allows them to share the information without talking about it. Many are shocked that rape does not necessarily include physical force; it is about not have the option to say No because of fear of the consequences.
· When the client has finished, review how many statements they have put a tick against and ask if they are surprised/how do they feel?
· Ensure the session ends with an acknowledgement of how difficult this exercise can be but they have survived the actual abuse, they are stronger than they may feel, they can now fully acknowledge what they are recovering from.
Domestic Abuse
What Is It?
Domestic abuse is an incident, or a range and pattern of incidents of controlling, forceful or threatening behaviour, including physical violence, by one person against another in an intimate relationship (e.g dating, living together, marriage) or family (e.g. son/daughter abusing parent), regardless of gender or sexuality.This can include, but is not limited to
· Physical
· Psychological
· Sexual
· Financial
· Emotional
Controlling behaviours are things that one person does to make the other feel inferior/dependant by
Ø isolating them from support
Ø not allowing them to access resources (people or places) that would build their confidence
Ø stopping them from being independent
which then allows the abuser to gain control of the victim’s everyday life.
Forceful behaviour is when a person hurts, threatens, humiliates or intimidates another. This is done to harm, frighten, punish and isolate the victim.
DEFINING ABUSE
The following forms of abuse rarely appear alone, usually there is a combination of two or more forms of abuse. Many abusers behave in ways that use many types of abuse and the boundaries between them are often blurred.
PHYSICAL ABUSE
Tick the ones you have experienced
□ Biting
□ Slapping
□ Kicking
□ Punching
□ Objects thrown at you
□ Slammed against walls/doors/furniture
□ Pushed about and/or downstairs
□ Jumped up and down on
□ Burnt with iron, cigarettes, acid, hot food or fluid, cooker
□ Bound and gagged / restrained
□ Spat at
□ Shouted at
□ Damage to property/personal belongings/furniture
□ Cut
□ Stabbed
□ Pinched
□ Locked in or out of house/room/cupboard/garage/shed etc
□ Force fed/starved
□ Not allowed to use the toilet, shower or bath
□ Forced to sleep on the floor
□ Stripped
□ Forced to exercise to keep your weight down
□ Poisoned
□ Run over
□ Fingers trapped in doors
□ Suffocated (pillows etc held over face)
□ Medication/drugs alcohol withdrawn or overdosed
□ Hair cut off / dragged by hair / hair pulled
□ Scarred
□ Tattooed
□ Drowned or held under water
□ Head pushed down toilet
□ Denied medical treatment
□ Aids withdrawn if disabled
□ Attempts to kill
□ Women not allowed access to sanitary protection
□ Women forced to have termination OR kept continually pregnant
SEXUAL ABUSE
Tick the ones you have experienced
□ Raped vaginally, anally or orally with objects as well as penis
□ Forced prostitution
□ Forced to watch, copy or re-enact pornography
□ Sex in front of others
□ Sex with others
□ Records/photographs in sexual acts
□ Shows these recordings or photos to others without consent
□ Sex with animals
□ Group sex
□ Violent sex
□ Openly has affairs
□ Boasts about sex with others
□ Criticises your sexual performance
□ Criticises your body
□ Forces you to dress sexually
□ Sex on demand
□ Compares you unfavourably with others
□ Brings a lover into the house
□ Talks about your sex life to others without your consent
□ Any unwanted sexual contact
□ Bites breasts or genitalia
□ Knowingly passes on sexually transmitted disease or HIV virus
□ Threatens to infect you with above
□ Threatens to sexually or physically abuse children
□ Threatens to have sex with children if you don’t fulfil their demands
□ Forces children to watch sex
□ Forces children to join in sex
□ Forces you to sexually abuse children
□ Withdraws affection or sex
□ Forces you to do particular types of sex e.g. sado-masochism or role play
□ Name calling e.g. frigid, whore
□ Forces sex after a physical assault, e.g. to ‘prove’ you have forgiven them
□ Punishes in other ways unless sexually pleased eg. No money
Note: Marital Rape - When sexual abuse occurs within marriage, the victim will often feel very confused as to whether or not it is ‘rape’. It seems obvious that when a woman (or man) is raped out on the street by a stranger, that rape has occurred and is wrong. When rape occurs within the marriage, neither abuser nor victim may consider it legal rape. Many believe it is their duty to fulfil their spouse’s sexual demands and that they have no right to say No. Where no physical force has been used (ie. coercion or verbal force-only) many will deny that rape has actually occurred and treat the abuse as though it was normal and by joint consent. If the victim does not have the choice to say ‘No’ without consequences, it is still rape.
VERBAL ABUSE
Name-calling is the most obvious form but there are many methods.
□ Yelling or shouting at you; Sneering, growling, name-calling
□ Making threats towards you
□ Insulting you or your family
□ Being sarcastic about you or criticising your interests, opinions, beliefs
□ Humiliating you in private and/or in company
□ With-holding approval, appreciation or conversation
□ Refusing to discuss issues which are important to you
□ Laughing or making fun of you inappropriately
□ Leaving nasty messages for you
□ Accusing you of cheating on them, not trying hard enough or purposely annoying them
□ Blaming you for their failures or the other forms of abuse
FINANCIAL ABUSE
Again, this can take many forms from denying money to making you fully responsible for everything financial.
□ Preventing you from getting or keeping a job
□ Denying sufficient money to maintain the home and buy food
□ Having to account for every penny you have spent
□ Denying access to cheque books/accounts/finances
□ Putting all bills in your name
□ Setting up credit accounts in your name
□ Demanding your income/benefits
□ Spending money for bills/food on themselves
□ Forcing you to beg, borrow or commit crimes for money
□ Spending Child Benefit on themselves
EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE
Emotional and Psychological abuse are means of control and manipulation to keep power over the victim. Sometimes it is about NOT doing something as much as actually doing something which abuses the victim.
Tick the ones that apply to you:-
Isolation
□ Not allowed any money
□ Not allowed to use the phone/car/bike
□ Being locked in the house
□ Not communicating with you
□ Withholding affection
□ Accusations of being unfaithful
□ Prevented from seeing family/friends; finding fault with them; rude to them
□ Not allowed to work; attend college/evening class etc
□ Going with you everywhere
□ Telling you this doesn’t happen to anyone else
□ Encouraging your fears or anxiety/depression
□ Withholding help you needed to go out/communicate
□ Making you feel guilty or by being in a bad mood if you go out with friends
□ Made you move home/town to prevent you from making friends
Enforcing Their Demands; making you feel unable to do anything ‘right’?
□ Insisting things are put and kept in particular places
□ Expecting everything at exact times e.g. sex, meals
□ Forcing you to re-cook meals/re-iron clothes
□ Forcing you to clean items that are already clean
□ Expecting you to look after their every need; ‘do this’, ‘do that’.
□ Expecting instant responses
Degradation; making you feel worthless.
□ Making you beg for money/food
□ Humiliating you in front of others/family/children
□ Making you repeat household chores over and over again
□ Sexual violence/pornography
□ Using racial abuse
□ Telling you are too young to know anything
□ Telling you that you are ‘stupid, useless, ugly, fat/thin, no-one else would want you’
□ Spitting at you
□ Making you think you are dirty
Threats; to do things to hurt you or make you feel bad.
□ To harm the you/the children
□ To kill you/children/family/friends
□ To kill the pets
□ To sexually abuse the children
□ To have you deported/to report you to the authorities
□ To withhold care you need
□ To find you if you leave
□ To have you put in hospital, sectioned
□ To make sure you are ‘blamed’ for breaking up the family
□ To smash everything – leave you with nothing
□ To leave you
□ To kill himself/herself
□ To leave you with nothing
Displays of Total Power & Control; to make you feel you are helpless.
□ Physical beating
□ Rape/sexual violence
□ Turning against all women/men
□ Abusing you in front of others/children
□ Making you fulfil every demand instantly (physical or sexual)
□ Finding you when you left
□ Boasting about the abuse with friends
□ Reporting you to authorities (police, social care)
□ Locking you in/out of the house
□ Destroying your possessions
□ Taking the children away
□ Injuring you
□ Killing pets
Exhaustion; keeping you exhausted so you didn’t feel able to resist.
□ Causing physical injury/sexual violence
□ Waking you all the time when you are asleep
□ Having sex when you are too tired
□ Withholding medication/encouraging over-use of medication
□ Withholding information/refusing to make decisions so you have to decide everything
□ Keeping women pregnant/with young children
□ Not contributing (financially/childcare/housework/in social situation)
□ Removing/destroying anything you needed e.g. aids you may require
□ Making threats – living in constant fear of violence to you or the children
Making you think you are going crazy; justifying their behaviour?
□ ‘No-one else would want you’
□ ‘This is what all marriages/families are like’
□ ‘This is what partners/carers normally do’
□ ‘It’s because I love you’
□ ‘I can’t live without you’
□ ‘I can’t bear the thought of you with someone else’
□ ‘It’s good for you’
□ ‘You like it really’
□ ‘My duty to teach you about sex’
□ ‘No-one else will believe you’
The ‘Treats’: the things that somehow make it hopeful that the abuser could change.
□ Apologising after being violent/abusive
□ Buying gifts/meals/holidays
□ Playing with the children
□ Helping with the housework
□ Allowing you to see your own family and/or friends
□ Being affectionate (Saying “I Love You”) or Showing kindness
□ Making promises of change/improvements
CYBER ABUSE
A more recent type of abuse growing out of the use of mobile phones, computers, social media
□ Hacking into your own emails/social sites
□ Setting up ‘spoof’ profiles so they can bully, intimidate, threaten you etc
□ Putting app’s on systems which allow them to track you, access your messages etc.
□ Placing tracking devices on cars/bugs in homes etc