Autumn, 2010
Still only 50 cents !
Number 2
of
Twigglesworth-on-Avon
New Butler School to Open
TOA—Master Butler Henry James, employed for many years by the Twigglesworth family here in TOA, has announced he will open a new school for training butlers. Mr. James is a very accomplished butler with extensive training and many years of experience, and he offered the following comments: “This is a dream come true for me. I’ve wanted to train the future leaders in my field, and now I finally have the financial means to do so.” When asked to elaborate on those means, Mr. James declined further comment.
Mr. James did suggest he’d like the school to look like traditional British universities, as pictured in the image to the left.
O’Mason Off to Southern California
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Police Chief O’Mason will be attending the annual Convention of Police Officers That Look Like Humphrey Bogart this week. This year’s conference is being held in the balmy climate of southern California. In his absence, Assistant Police Chief Poirot will be continuing the investigation of the disappearance of Lady T.
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Letters to the Editor
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Dear Mr. Editor,
I must protest, good sir, about the Times’ preoccupation with bad news. Must I believe there is no good news in this world? Just yesterday I saw a young man give up his seat on the bus to an older lady—what a wonderful sight. Please, more of these small yet important bits of good news.
Sincerely,
Happy About the Young
Dear Editor,
I’m writing to protest the continuing sale of fireworks in TOA. Every year we’re subjected to many your people making a terrible racket, scaring my cats, and probably injuring themselves, too! I say we should simply ban the sale of those wretched things once and for all!
Sincerely,
Old, Grumpy, and Deaf
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From where I sit…the Editor Speaks…
Greetings from my air-conditioned office here in the TOA Times Building on Main Street! I hope this summer heat hasn’t wilted you, but if it has, there are numerous solutions here in TOA. If you like Asian food, try the several eateries over on Front Street—light, tasty, and sometimes fiery hot! If not there, how about over in Meatpackers’ Square at Tex’s Rock-n-Rollin’ Barbeque Pit?
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Sir Dorrick’s “Super-Duper Portal”
Bad day with your computer??
Owned and operated by the Worcestershire family (a saucy bunch, no doubt), this new TOA business promises both fast broadband computer access for gamers, amazing investment opportunities for money people, and help for all your computer problems
Don’t kill your computer—stop in at Sir Dorrick’s today.
Garfield by Jim Davis
Joke of the day:
A young lady was visiting her friend who had two new dogs. The lady asked what the dogs’ names were. The friend replied, “This one is Rolex and the other one is Timex.” The lady said, “What strange names! Why did you give them those names?”“Helloooooooooooooooo,” answered her friend. “They’re watch dogs!”
Nuvallo Driving School
Learn to drive any and all kinds of vehicles (including the Model T in the photo)!
Offensive driving at its best!
Make the other guy fear you—no more being afraid!
“How to cheat insurance companies” and more sound financial advice!
Call today, tonight, absolutely any time day or night is OK!
1—800—5727—4626
TOA Times Classifieds
For Sale
Moving soon, need to sell kitchen appliances (fridge, oven, microwave, table). E-mail me at
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Millions of used books—everything from spirituality to baseball. E-mail me at
Help Wanted
Front desk help needed urgently. Must speak Japanese, like manga, and be familiar with otaku sub-culture. Contact Jorge at
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Personal
ISO beautiful lady, kind, can cook, keeps time well, likes alligators. E-mail w/ photo to
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Handsome guy, wants to meet cheerful lady. I’m into yoga, mood music, and NASCAR racing. Email
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Furry guy, long tail and ears, ISO lady for eating oats, braying, kicking up heels, and generally being an ass. Email me (photo appreciated, even though we don’t have opposable thumbs) at
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Looking for gentleman with advanced degree in psychoglaciobotany. Must be rich, generous, and interested in diachronic shamisen fusion-jazz. Email w/ photo to
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Wanted: large, furry, breathing, watercress-loving, semi-articulate mammal with massive nose. Email
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