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Proverbs on Friendship

Friendship and singing

We are in a series on Proverbs and a theme that shows up quite often in the book is that of friendship.

Friendship

It’s a happy word,

like the feeling you get when you hear the Rembrandts. I’ll be there for you…

It’s a word that connotes loyalty and being there.

Call on me if you need a friend

[Acapella get the congregation going., I just might have a problem that you’d understand, we all need somebody to lean on.]

Winter spring summer or fall, all you have to do is call, and I ll be there yeah yeah yeah, you’ve got a friend

And in case that is all far too secular for you holy people, how about a little Michael W. Smith:

Friends are friends forever if the lords the lord of them, and a friend will not say never, …

It just sounds so sweet and happy and butterflies all around and other girly sappy stuff.

Consider even the definition of friend:

Best Definition contest

An English publication offered a prize for the best definition of a friend, and among the thousands of answers received were the following:

  • “One who multiplies joys, divides grief.”
  • “One who understands our silence.”
  • “A volume of sympathy bound in cloth.”
  • “A watch which beats true for all time and never runs down.”

It sounds like sympathy, listening, loyalty…

The Native Americans had a word for friend: “one-who-carries-my-sorrows-on-his-back.”

But here is the definition that won the prize:

“A friend—the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.”

While we guys may not need all the sentimentality that seems to be inherent in “friends”, we have to admit, having someone who is there when all the world has gone out, is important to us. We all want to know that when all the stuff that happened to Job and Habakkuk and so many others who were faithful, when all that stuff hits the fan, we want to know there is someone who will be there with us.

But getting there is another matter.

It sounds to me like Friendship is really really hard.

It sounds like making enemies is way less trouble.

And I am already great at that. Making enemies is Easy.

What I want to do this morning is give you a handful of proverbs which speak to the subject of making friends.

Why?

First, because we all want friends

Second, because sometimes we really stink at picking them. The book of Proverbs directs us on the kind of people we should surround ourselves with.

This is not just for preteens, teens and college students, but I want you to listen especially carefully. Because now is the time you are choosing people who will influence you for life. do you understand what I am saying? They will be partially responsible for the person you want to be.

Who should not be your friends?

So, let’s get started.

  1. Don’t make bad people your friends. Do you need me to define bad people? Okay.

You should not be friends with people who like any of the following:

  1. Da vinci Code
  2. Twilight
  3. Wine with dinner
  4. Quentin Tarantino movies
  5. Poker or any kind of gambling including slot machines, m&ms in the place of real money and the Stock Exchange
  6. Alan Colmes
  7. Harry Potter
  8. Leave it to Beaver (June and Ward sleep in separate beds for crying out loud)
  9. Anyone who doesn’t wear “Jesus Rocks” T-shirts and wwjd bracelets.

Ok, the real list from Proverbs

  1. You should not surround yourself with angry, thieving, slandering, gluttonous, ambushing, strife-spreading, prostitutes.

Do I really need to go further? It’s really that simple. We don’t make bad people our friends.

24:1 Do not envy wicked men, do not desire their company;

It’s these kinds of guys from early on in the book of Proverbs:

1:10 My son, if sinners entice you, Do not consent(or give in to them).

Our fighter verse a couple months back

11 If they say, “Come with us, Let us lie in wait for blood, Let us ambush the innocent without cause; 12 Let us swallow them alive like Sheol, Even whole, as those who go down to the pit; 13 We will find all kinds of precious wealth, We will fill our houses with spoil; 14 Throw in your lot with us, We shall all have one purse,” 15 My son, do not walk in the way with them. Keep your feet from their path, 16 For their feet run to evil And they hasten to shed blood.

You might be thinking that you don’t need to tell your children these things, but let’s rethink this. Perhaps you don’t have to tell your kids not to go kill the neighbor child and steal his stuff, but lets admit a strange attraction to this kind of evil.

Lets be real honest guys, we aren’t real impressed with the sexually confused kid on Glee. In fact, we are a little worried about the football quarterback who sings 80s songs in a perfect tenor. (No disrespect Kyle)

What are most of us men attracted to (and I don’t mean that in any weird sense)? We are impressed by real men. Men who carry powerful handguns and aren’t afraid to use them. We know that Sylvester Stallone cant act worth a dime, but that doesn’t stop us from enjoying Rambo. Why do we like John Wayne? Because he never played a single role that made anyone question that he would kick your … well, you know what. We like Charles Bronson, because he doesn’t just kill you once, he empties the whole clip into you. We like Billy the Kid and cheer for Doc Scurlock despite the many “good” people they killed (I realize the legend is different from reality but at least the movie versions).

We like bad guys. We cheer for Oceans 11, 12 and 13, we love Arlington road because the terrorist wins, some people even liked V for vendetta despite how stupid that movie was and the terrible message it sent out that terrorists have feelings too (and they might be right)

We like bad guys, maybe because we can’t be them, but if we thought we could for a moment, we are strangely attracted to that.

And girls, what the heck is wrong with you? Why are you attracted to boys with “a past?” There is something enticing about rebels, with or without a cause. Everyone liked James Dean and Dylan from 90210 and that whole attitude that couldn’t care less about conformity and scooped on top of that was an “I’ll kill you if you mess with me attitude.”

And it starts early. I don’t want to go much further because I am encroaching on my masculinity sermon, but it starts really early. This rebellious attraction.

My kids and Garret were playing Truth or dare a few weeks back. Not sure why that game is fun without girls but think about the trouble you got in with such a game. The truth almost always dealt with intimate things that shouldn’t be shared with the people who would play such a game. The dares are almost always something that if not completely wrong, certainly borders on unethical. I dare you to steal a piece of gum. I double dare you to jump off this bridge. I double dog dare you to flash that person.

You all did it, you know you did.

Anyway, these kinds of “friends” prove to be destructive.

18 But they lie in wait for their own blood; They ambush their own lives. 19 So are the ways of everyone who gains by violence; It takes away the life of its possessors.

Wise people do not associate with angry or hot tempered people

Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man or you will learn his ways and find a snare for yourself. (Pro. 22:24, 25)

Even more than people who are angry, hot tempered, thieving killers, there is also a desire not to make friends with prostitutes.

29:3 A man who loves wisdom brings joy to his father, but a companion of prostitutes squanders his wealth.

See it’s just dumb. They aren’t your friends at all and you just lose all your money.

Ok pastor, no killers, thieves, or prostitutes. I am doing pretty darn well.

Well,how about this:

28:7 He who keeps the law is a discerning son, but a companion of gluttons disgraces his father.

This says you don’t make friends out of gluttons. That is people who eat too much. We SHOULD put people around us who have self control and care about their body.

Bet I am stepping on some toes now.

Please though, don’t waste your complaining phone call on something so small. By the end of this series on Proverbs I am going to insult every one of you in one way or another. And it will be way worse than gluttony.

But just to clarify,not making friends out of gluttons is not necessarily referring to someone who is struggling with an overeating problem, it has more to do with intentional lack of care in regard to overeating. Someone who only cares about his own pleasure and where he can get his next Big Mac and doesn’t try to control his own body.

I know many of you ladies fight like crazy with this, some of you because of a ridiculous cultural image that you think you are to live up to and others legitimately who are trying to keep your bodies some semblance of fit. Friends, you are allowed to hang out with people like this.

In fact, I am going to come back later and tie up a lot of things. Because there are different kinds of friends. I am just asking you to be wise in who you set around you.

How about this one:

A perverse man spreads strife, and a slanderer separates intimate friends. (Pro. 16:28)

He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip. (Pro. 20:19)

Slandering (saying something that is untrue about someone) is basically perversity. And slandering is closely akin to gossip.

Proverbs says do not associate with gossips.

Is gossip really that bad?

I can tell you gossip kills a church faster than just about anything. Gossip breeds mistrust and disunity. Families are destroyed, friendships are shattered.

It’s right in our covenant.

We also agree to walk circumspectly in the world, to be just in our dealings, faithful in our engagements, and exemplary in our deportment, to avoid all tattling, backbiting, gossip, and unrighteous anger;

We added that part about gossip a couple of years ago because there seemed to be so much talk about things that went on in the past and people were hurting and it was all a mess. There is a place for sharing, but this can be a real problem

Prayer meetings become places to gossip. To tell what you know about someone under a spiritual guise when really you just want others to look down at them. Or even if that isn’t your intent, it happens. Dear Lord, I pray for Jim Knight who I saw go into the Beer and Wine store in town yesterday, protect him from his obvious temptation towards that devils brew and the debauchery and hiring prostitutes that always follows.”

It’s really hard with spouses. You want to share your day with your husband but then you talk about your mother or someone in the church and now your husband things negatively about them and he can’t really be part of the solution and he sure had nothing to do with the problem to begin with.

I singled out ladies here because they are stereotypically (for a reason I think) seen as the gossips.

I understand the desire to talk about others—its power. It makes you feel better about yourself and it brings others down.

Congregation of Christ, this is abominable.

Ladies, stop telling your mom about your husband’s faults. It’s not helpful. It’s denigrating and wreaks havoc with your marriage.

Men, stop going to mom for “advice” on how to handle your wife.

Teens, its simple, if you can’t say something good, shut your mouth. Wow, that’s what my mom always taught me. Yeah, because it’s true. Not only is it a sin to spread things that shouldn’t be spread, its just stupid. It always bites you. Trust me.

It comes down to this in 12:26 A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

What do real friends look like?

Okay so we know what not to do. What does Proverbs say about what we should do? I found three categories that I think are the most consistently mentioned in the book. Here is what real friends, the kind of friends you should put around you, look like.

  1. They don’t forsake you, they are loyal
  2. they are selfless
  3. they tell the truth.

They don’t forsake you: Loyal

  • 27:10 10 Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father, and do not go to your brother's house when disaster strikes you-- better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away

Real friends do not forsake their friends when things get hard. When disaster strikes they are right there beside you.

  • 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

And pretty much the same thing:

  • NIV Proverbs 18:24 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Lots of friends is nice, but what he is talking about here is a real friend. One who is there for you no matter what. Closer even than a brother. This is the kind of friend who is there through adversity.

  • He who conceals a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends. (Pro. 17:9)

Loyalty means overlooking sin. It means loving and not holding things against someone.

Loyalty. Where are friendships best built for men?—on the battleground. When you fight in a foxhole with someone and they get wounded and you carry them out, you have a friend for life. Loyalty. And loyalty means taking wounds and inconveniences.

It’s about being selfless

Selfless

  • Proverbs 25:17 Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house-- too much of you, and he will hate you.

Don’t assume that you always have something to offer your friend. Give him some room for crying out loud.

Ben Franklin said fish and guests both smell after a few days.

  • 4 Wealth brings many friends, but a poor man's friend deserts him.

This is so true. If you have money you have friends. Not real friends, not loyal friends, for as soon as adversity happens and the money runs out, your friends are no where to be found.

The same thing here:

  • 6 Many curry favor with a ruler, and everyone is the friend of a man who gives gifts

Another characteristic of a selfless person and one who should be a friend is that he gives to the needy:

  • 14:21 He who despises his neighbor sins, but blessed is he who is kind to the needy.

We don’t need friends who are only wrapped up in themselves. Ask yourself that Teenager—are the people you surround yourself with always talking about themselves? How about you? Are you your favorite subject?

Ask yourself this, what have you done for someone else lately? Especially the needy? Are you giving to the poor or spending all your money on slurpees every week or movies or gasoline to go somewhere else cool.

Are you thinking about others?

  • 14 He that blesseth his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to him.

I just threw this one in here. Selfless means thinking about others. Not calling someone at 6:00 in the morning. We want friends that think about others and not themselves.

And we want to be these friends.

But being loyal and selfless includes this third thing. Because true loyalty and truly thinking about others will result in this:

Tell the truth (24:28)

  • Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses (but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy) (27:6)

Greeks said the opposite of a friend is not an enemy but one who flatters

  • Better is open rebuke than hidden love (27:5)
  • 17 Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend

What all of these say is that we are to promote the betterment of our friends. We want to see them succeed and succeed not only in the world’s eyes but in the eyes of God.

That means we must be honest with each other. We want to protect them from God’s wrath and give them something far more beautiful than the path they are choosing. By showing them their sin, you are showing them a path that is super-beautiful and where full satisfaction is found. By reminding them that Jesus conquered their sinful self and has plans far greater you are doing them a great service. We must wound. We must cut. If it is meant for their good. We are to sanctify our friends. Are your friends better for having you around? Are you better for having them around—I mean a better Christian? If not, why are they your intimates?