Revise the following sentences to make them “you-centred,” positive, and tactful.

(strategy: identify the writing flaw, then apply good business writing. I’ve identified the writing flaws here-try then to correct the document based on “best business writing” principles that we have studied).

a)Surely you realize that if everyone got their money back we’d go out of business.

Hint – not reader centred, needs to be more neutral and considerate of the reader

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b)We are only allowing this exchange because you are a valued customer.

Too parental

c)We can’t consider a damage claim until we’ve examined the car.

Too negative

d)We are pleased to be able to give you more details about our Wizmaster blender.

Too writer-centred

e)We’re desperate for a banquet speaker, and wondered if you were available.

To tentative and timid.Invites a “no” response.

f)This is not the cheap-looking shoe dye that always flakes off.

Too negative. Draws attention to flaws

g)Apparently you don’t mind being known all over Sudbury as a bad credit risk.

Too “defamatory” and sarcastic to the reader. Rework the statement leaving this information out.

h)I guess we can manage to have your vacuum cleaner ready by Tuesday.

Tentative, and not customer focused. Either you can or can’t have the vacuum ready.

i)Consequently, we must reject your application for credit.

Too direct and negative

j)I am afraid that you are not qualified for this job.

Too direct and negative.Needs to be more diplomatic.

Revise the following sentences so that they demonstrate effective business writing

(identify the writing flaw to yourself, then correct using the “best business writing” practices we’ve been studying)

  1. We can’t process your application because you neglected to insert your social insurance number.

Too negative

Please insert your social insurance number so we can process your application.

  1. As per your recent request, the undersigned is happy to inform you that we are sending you forthwith the brochures you requested.

Uses lawyer language and wordy, warn out phrases

We’re sending you the brochures

  1. This is to let you know that you should feel free to use your credit card for the purpose of purchasing household items for a period of 60 days.

Too wordy. Could be more reader focused

Feel free to use your credit card for household items for the next 60 days.

  1. You must complete this report by Friday.

Too overbearing and parental

Please complete this report by Friday

  1. Due to the fact that our last presentation failed, we are, at this point in time, convinced that we must include only the most absolutely essential selling points this time.

Contains many redundant and wordy phrases that can be left out or tightened.

For a more effective report we will just include the essential selling points next time.

  1. When McDonalds tested pizza, Pizza Hut fought back. With aggressive ads, ridiculing McPizza.

Sentence fragment error; just get rid of the period and capital on “With”

  1. The latest tax increases hit below the belt.

Uses cliché (hit below the belt – a cliché is an overused expression that is “tired” and out of style and makes the reader groan. Watch out too for slang “street expression” and Jargon technical express (above the reader’s level of expertise) which are also types of writing that are not “reader-focused”

The latest tax increases are too high.