Kalani Leifer
February 8, 2006
“White Stripes”
1. Macro-changes… large chunk changes from first to third and third to last.
BECCA
2. Ways in which language changes at a micro-level, focus on three sentences.
KALANI
3. What makes the final draft best?
1. MACRO:
Draft 1 begins with Whitney stating her thesis… the later drafts are much more complex, drawing the audience in. The Third and final drafts place you in context instead, and begin with “Last night…” It is more dramatized and less expository.
From draft one to three, Whitney adds a part about the New York ballroom. By the final draft, she simplifies her setting, cutting the ballroom and in its place puts a short sentence about the MTV awards. Including MTV inherently adds credibility… we all know MTV is the big time.
Draft three and the final draft she introduces Rob Sheffield, who provides objectivity and credibility and authority.
2. MICRO:
In drafts one and three, the piece leads out with:
Whitney: Meg, anything?
Meg: I think Jack has said it all.
Jack: Do you want to tell mom we said hi?
Meg: That’s a good idea.
Both: Hi, mom.
While in the final draft, the concluding remarks are streamlined into only the last three lines. This micro change is indicative of the larger transformation: shedding the dialogue and monologue that is not absolutely necessary.
When discussing their “genesis,” Whitney says in the first draft”
“The genesis of the band carries a certain air of mythology.”
In the third and final drafts she refines this to:
“The band’s genesis, the way they tell it, was as accidental as their success.”
The latter statement comes across as much less scripted and much more conversational. It also brings us closer in to the band… we’re hearing it “the way they tell it.”
Finally, in the third draft, Whitney writes:
“Jack White, the band’s guitarist, singer, and reluctant spokesperson, won’t admit
to any grand ambition.”
While in the final draft she writes:
“Jack White, the band’s guitarist, singer, and reluctant spokesperson, isn’t sure
how all this happened.”
This more accurately shows that White really doesn’t have any grand ambition… he’s just a kid playing a guitar. The third draft rendition makes it seem like behind this nonchalant façade, White is actually meticulously planning the White Stripes’ image. From the rest of the essay, we don’t get the impression that this is the case.
3. How the final draft is better:
Whitney speaks less, bringing us closer into the world of Jack and Meg. The more they speak, and the less she speaks, the more this audio essay feels like a conversation that WE are having with the White Stripes.
Even when Whitney speaks, her later draft language puts more emphasis on the band, and less on herself, as when she says “the way they tell it.” The final language is also much simpler and more colloquial. Also, much ambiguity is removed, and the few words she uses convey a lot, and are very straightforward.
Sheffield adds credibility, authority, and objectivity where it was lacking in the first draft.
The final draft begins with a more dramatic, more enticing hook.
The last draft provides more context for those listeners unfamiliar with the WS, but not too much.
The songs build continuity through out the piece.