Starting Relationships Right
Topics and Questions toAlign Participant Expectations in
Youth Mentoring Programs

This tool is designed to help mentoring program staff uncover and support appropriate expectations among all parties to mentoring relationships including parents, mentors, and youth. The language and questions in thefollowing scripts are tailored for program staff to use with parents and/or guardians of youth participants in a mentoring program. A mentoring program can also re-orient and/or re-frame these questions to gain the perspective youth and mentors before the match starts.

With these questions mentoring program staff can uncover parent expectations for their child’s mentoring relationship, as well as ensure clear communication of program-specific expectations and guidelines. In a recent study of mentoring relationship closures[1] researchers found that small misunderstandings between mentors and parents, staff and parents, or parents and youth,when left unattended, can ultimatelycontribute to the demise or premature closure of relationships. These issues included things like confusion regarding expectations for picks ups and drop offs, assumptions about activity planning, and questions regarding communication preferences.

This questionnaire is designed as a resource for mentoring program staff to surface and support appropriate expectations among all parties to a youth mentoring relationship from the very beginning of program involvement. Ideally, this resource should be used in-person to create an opportunity for relationship building betweenprogram staff andyouth, parents, and mentors. Using these questions as a guide this conversationmay take approximately an hour during a pre-match meeting. This resource is tailored to a community-based, one to one mentoring program model. When following a different program model this questionnaire can be used as a guide, practitioners can eliminate or reframe questions to align with their program’s design. All examples of program specific practices included in this sample were informed by the 4th Edition of the Elements of Effective Practice for Mentoring.

This resource can help mentoring programs formalize the process of orienting participants to your mentoring program. Your staff should review this document and consider how it supplements other resources embedded in your model. Staff should be reminded this is not an added expectation of their roles, but rather a way to ensure effective and efficient use of their time throughout the lifecycle of a match.

Alternative Uses:

Questions included in this resource could also be provided for parents and mentors to complete on paper independently and returned to program staff. While thismay seem like a time saving option, we caution against relying on this application as it eliminates the relationship-building aspect embedded in this resource. Both research- andpractitioner-approved best practices illustratethat when mentoring relationships are established with intention through formalized program support, these relationships tend to meet expected program expectations and contribute to positive outcomes for youth. Unfortunately, the reverse is also truewhen mentoring relationships aren’t scaffoldedwith programmatic support they tend to end prematurely and can contribute to detrimental outcomes for youth involved.

If your program model, staff capacity, or other factors prevent the application of this tool in-person, keep the following considerations in mind:

  • Literacy and language –Makesure your program maintains copies of these questions translated in the native languages offamilies served. Programs should also consider if families are comfortable reading, writing, and submitting this information in paper form. Many non-dominant cultures value dialogue and story-telling over written materials. Putting this questionnaire into an application form may cause mistrust or confusion for some families.
  • Undue burden –Similarly if your program shifts this resource into a paper form considerproviding parents instructions on how to complete the materials so they understand the intention. Programs will want to avoid creating the situation where parents ask their child to complete the questionnaire if they don’t understand it.
  • Time and space to complete –It’s also important to recognize that for many families arranging an in-person meeting might be easier than asking them to complete a questionnaire on their own time. Many families don’t have the physical or emotional space to reflect honestly on questions regarding personal hopes and aspirations when they’re busy attending to tasks at home and/or at work.

A program should consider how this or a similar resource can best support staff to build relationshipswith all parties in the match. Peppered throughout this document,program staff will also find tips for implementation. Before utilizing this approach,a program should consider developing a tip sheet to support consistent application of this or a similar resource among staff.

Program tips for holding a pre-match information gathering meeting:

  • Meet with each party (youth, mentors, and parents) individually.
  • Provide a copy of the questions for participants ahead of time, and another copy for use during the meeting.
  • Choose a meeting location that is fairly private, and comfortable. As often as possible, try to use a space that is bright, welcoming, accessible, and reflective of community/program values (things like child art work, plants, couches, cultural symbols, and color can go a long way to build participant physical and emotional safety).
  • Provide water and healthy snacks, inform the participant of the location of the restroom, and let them know they should take care of themselves in whatever way is most comfortable for them during the conversationi.e. get up and stretch, use the restroom, take a call, etc.
  • Explain that while you have a set of questions you’d like to cover, you hope these questions will lead to a natural conversation where participants feel welcome to ask their own questions and share feedback throughout. For this reason explain that participants may raise a question when it relates to the topic, but for the sake of conversation you hope to move naturally through topics and questions as they come up.

Sample Script:

As a family member of a child involved in this program we valueyour feedback, and we hope to create consistency between what you expect from this mentoring program and what you experience. As a program we believe in the power of strong, supportive relationships not just between youth and their mentors but also between all of us involved in the mentoring relationship including: volunteers, youth, family, and program staff.

To help us develop a foundation for positive engagement we’d like to share our expectations for this program and learn yours. We also know that while it’s helpful to outline our initial hopes and expectations for this experience, it’s also important to consider and plan for situations when our expectations vary, or change. To that end, it will be important for us to re-visit some of these expectations if/when challenges arise, or yours or your child’s mentor’s circumstances change. I’ll do my best to check-in on many of these expectations while your child is engaged in this program, and please let me know if and when you experience any changes in your life that could impact your child’s involvement in this program –say you move or your child changes schools, etc.

Over the next hour we’ll discuss several topics that we know from both research and practice are key to supporting healthy interactions between youth and mentors. These include things like communication, meeting logistics and planning, relationship focus, relationship endings, safety and more.

During this conversation we’ll ask questions to help us learn how to best support your child’s engagement in this program. We’ll ask similar questions of your child and their mentor. During your child’s match meeting we’ll review our program expectations and guidelines, specific needs and expectations among you, your child and their mentor, and celebrate the launch ofthementoring relationship.

Communication

(Provide written info to the participants regarding your program expectations for communication through on-going monitoring and support. Be sure to include frequency of communication, type,
depth, and topics)

Sample Script:

We will be in communication with every youth, mentor, and parent/guardian involved in this program by phone at least once a month. These calls can last anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour depending on how the relationship is progressing, opportunities for your child and/or their mentor, and any questions or concerns you have. It’s important that we have voice to voice communication at least once a month while your child’s engaged in this program to ensure their positive experience. You are always encouraged to reach out to your mentoring coordinator at any time if you have questions, concerns, or if you experience a serious need or emergency.

Staff to Parent

  • What day(s) of the week and time(s) would you prefer to connect with our mentoring program staff?
  • Would you like to setup a re-occurring monthly call for the same day of the week and time, like the last Wednesday of the month at noon?
  • What is the best number to reach you at? If you cannot be reached at this number what’s an alternate number where you can be reached?
  • We recognize our schedules may change but we’ll do our best to find a time that works well for both of us.We generally reach out to program participants sometime between the hours of 10am and 7pm Monday-Saturday. What are times that you’re unavailable to connect with our staff? And/or when’s an inappropriate time for our program to contact you?
  • What’s your preferred form of communication, (in-person, phone, text, email, etc.?) Remember, it’s important for us to talk to one another at least monthly but if you prefer to connect in-person, we can try to identify a time to talk before or after monthly group events.
  • There may be times when you need to speak with me and I’m temporarily unavailable. If this happens, how would you let me know that you need to talk (voice message, email, text, call to supervisor, etc.)?

Practitioner Tip:

Provide the parent/guardian with the mentoring coordinator’s cell phone number and email, ideally on a business card, magnet, or laminated tab for a keychain -someway for the parent to easily store and access this information.

  • Similarly, there may be times when I need to speak with you and you’re temporarily unavailable. If this happens, how would you like me to let you know that I need to speak with you (voice message, email, text, etc.)?
  • For the most part when we speak I hope to learn how your child’s enjoying their time with their mentor, what activities they’ve done, and any questions you have. What other topics do you hope to talk with me about during our regular communication?

Parent to Mentor

  • How often do you anticipate being in communication with your child’s mentor?
  • Would you like to set up a regular date and time to speak with your child’s mentor? Or would you prefer to communicate with him/her as needed?
  • What’s the best day/time for you to speak with your child’s mentor?
  • What are times that you’re unavailable to connect with your child’s mentor? And/or when’s an inappropriate time for them to contact you?
  • What’s your preferred form of communication with your child’s mentor? (phone, email, text etc.)
  • What do you hope to connect with your child’s mentor about? (Coordinating schedules, pick-up/drop-off logistics, child needs/opportunities, guidelines for interactions, etc.)
  • There are a few different ways that we typically observe mentors and parents working together to support a child’s positive experience in this program. I’ll describe them here and then you can let me know ideally how you hope to engage with your child’s mentor.
  • Instrumental –You and your child’s mentor work together to approve and support activities that your child has expressed interest in.
  • Informational –You and your child’s mentor share information with one another about your child’s strengths, opportunities for growth, and developmental needs.
  • Personal –You and your child’s mentor work towards a personal relationship with one another.
  • Child-focused –You let your child guide much of the communication and engagement with their mentor. You don’t have an expectation to engage with their mentor, save for a limited basis, or as needed.
  • Ideally how do you prefer to engage with your child’s mentor? In all of the above ways, just one? A combination?
  • There may be times when you need to speak with your child’s mentor and they’re temporarily unavailable. If this happens how would you like to let me and the mentor know that you need to talk (voice message, email, text, call to supervisor, etc.)?
  • If you have a challenge, problem, or concern regarding your child’s mentor how would you prefer to handle it? (directly with the mentor, with the support staff, etc.)

Program Goals & Relationship Focus

(Provide information to participant regarding your program goals and expectations, be sure to clarify the purpose and intent of mentoring meetings)

Sample Script:

In this mentoring program we work to support the healthy growth of your child in ways that support their continued success in school and life. Specifically we hope that through participation in this program, your child will build a new, trusting relationship with a supportive adult and this connection will support them in developing and/or strengthening their communication, and self-management skills as well as positive hopes for the future.

To achieve these goals it’s important that your child and his/her mentor engage in activities that are meaningful to your child –we call these youth-led; that your child and their mentor spend consistent, quality time together; and most importantly that both your child and their mentor enjoy their time together overall. This means the focus of their relationship is hanging out, engaging in activities that your child has a voice in selecting, and having fun! By spending positive time with a mentor your child is likely to benefit in multiple, lasting, and overlapping ways that support their healthy growth and academic success.

All of that said you may have ideas about how you would like a mentor to support the healthy growth of your child. Questions in the next section will help us understand and align our hopes for your child’s experience in this program.

  • What is your hope for your child’s relationship with a mentor, and engagement in this program?
  • What type of assistance do you hope a mentor will provide for your child? Where do you hope to see your child one year from now?

Practitioner Tip:

Explain the mentoring relationship lifecycle: initiation, cultivation, transformation, and closure. Let parents know that while they may be able to observe some of the benefits of mentoring for their child that more than likely these benefits will surface over time. You can explain that the support of a mentor is like a drop of water on a rock slowly shaping that rock over time. Parents may observe these benefits and they may not, but remind them that just because they can’t see positive changes for their child doesn’t mean they aren’t happening.

  • What support do you hope this program and/or your child’s mentor can provide you?
  • What expectations do you have of your child’s mentor?
  • What expectations do you have of our program?
  • How do you plan to check in with your child and talk with them about their mentoring experience?

Match Meetings & Logistics

(Provide the participant information on your program expectations regarding the frequency of meetings, length of meetings, and length of commitment)

Sample Script:

Our program supports matches to meet 3 times per month for an average of 2 hours per meeting, for a combined 6 hours per month, and a commitment of at least one year. We’ve identified this schedule as optimal for supporting the healthy growth of your child, while also meeting the availability of mentors. Mentors and youth spend time together in the greater community, during the day or early evening in public spaces that are open to the general public (parks, community centers, museums, neighborhood spaces, and sporting/community events, etc.)

At some point you may experience scheduling challenges when your child and their mentor may only be available to meet once or twice a month for a longer meeting or say a whole day outing. While these exceptions are okay, they should not be routine. It’s important that your child and their mentor meet consistently to build rapport and trust. Sometimes a mentor may be available to spend more than 6 hours a month with your child. Again, exceptions are okay, but this should not be the routine. A mentor is just one of several supportive adults in the life of your child, to ensure the healthy development and growth of this relationship it’s important that your child and their mentor follow our program expectations regarding meeting frequency and length. If something happens and your child and their mentor are not available to connect in person for more than two weeks, please work with your program coordinator to determine options for your child and their mentor to connect by phone or internet to continue the relationship development process.