No Offence
Played by David Judge and Dan Parr
Music Irfan
Dubstep can be heard, but not loud, as if muffled. Max sits on a wall, head in hands. A djembe beat begins, Toro. Dwayne stands out of view of Max. Max starts to rehearse what he’s going to tell his brother.
Max (as if rehearsing) Right, no, listen our kid, what happened was... course I got in right, straight after you. But what it was was, right, is that the bouncer, the big ginger Irish one? Saw quality in me, din’t he? Got me in, right, to... (inspiration hits) the VIP area. That's what happened. (Beat) That is what happened.
Dwayne Is that what happened?
Max (noticing Dwayne - a beat then indicates the muffled music) Not usually your sort of thing?
Dwayne Eh?
Max This? Not usually your sort of thing?
Dwayne What’s that supposed to mean?
Max No offence mate.
Dwayne That usually means you meant some offence?
Max No it don't.
Dwayne Right. (Beat) They wouldn't let me in.
Max He's brilliant, this bloke.
Dwayne They not let you in?
Max Me? I'm off me face, man.
Dwayne Eh?
Max Cool off period.
Dwayne How old are you?
Max Eighteen.
Dwayne Yeah right.
Max (Beat) Fourteen.
Dwayne Same here.
Max Why'd you come on your own then?
Dwayne What d'you mean?
Max If you're underage, come with someone. Older like. I came with me brother? See? That way you'll get in.
Dwayne No one else to come with.
Max (Beat) Better off on your own.
Dwayne Clearly.
Max Cos, right, if you're on your own, then who's there to rely on? Just you, and you know what? Fine. Self-reliant my brother calls it
Dwayne My mum's coming to get me at ten.
Max Yeah? I…er… I’ll probably just make me own way home, like.
They both sit. Max pulls out a very sorry looking spliff. He shows it to Dwayne.
Max Want some?
Dwayne What is it?
Max What d'you think?
Dwayne Oh. Is it?
Max Yeah.
Dwayne Right, no thanks.
Max Oh. Thought you'd like a bit...
Dwayne What's that meant to mean?
Max No offence like.
Dwayne Second time you've told me that.
There is another pause, as they both try to find something to say.
Dwayne Dwayne. (Holds out hand to shake)
Max Max. (Shakes hands) You seen this bloke before like?
Dwayne I DJ.
Max Yeah?
Dwayne Bit, now and then. You could, you know, come along to one of my gigs, if you want.
Max Yeah? I might.
Dwayne Next one’s Chorlton Cricket Club, Saturday. My cousin's birthday.
Max Right.
Dwayne Come along.
Max I might, I might just do that.
Dwayne (looks at watch) I'd better go. See if mum's here.
Max Is it that late?
Dwayne Nearly ten, yeah. You OK?
Max I might make it over, next Saturday like, if I can, if there’s nothing better on, like.
Dwayne Yeah, only if you can, you know.
Dwayne walks off. Max sits. A beat. Puts the spliff back in his pocket. Max goes back into rehearsing mode.
Max Nah, it was cool, our kid, cos I met this new up and coming DJ, and he asked me to manage him, yeah, gonna see him, check him out, next week, cos right he said he could see that we had... complementary talents.
Dwayne walks back, and listens for a moment.
Max Complementary talent? Yeah, I like that. So, I gets in, VIP area, and I gets chatting to this new up and coming DJ, and he says he needs new management, fresh new management, yeah? You must’ve heard of him... Dwayne… summat or other, yeah, black lad, yeah, from... Moss Side, innit?
Dwayne (Beat) My mum says d'you want a lift home?
Max Which way you going?
Dwayne Stretford.
Max Yeah, can do. I’m Eccles.
Dwayne (Laughs) Might’ve guessed.
Max What’s that mean?
Dwayne No offence.
Max looks at Dwayne.
Max None taken.
End
Almost perfect
Played by David Judge and Dan Parr
Music Irfan
Max and Dwayne stand apart.
DJ Irfan plays dub step, djembe player plays Toro beat to match their rhythm.
Max Sometimes you see someone and you think, yeah. We’re meant to be together. You can feel the... yeah, I’ll say it, you feel the love come up, not in a I-want-to-bum-you sort of way, but... it is physical. When I first saw him, I could feel it prickle up through my skin, there was a hollow feel up near my shoulderblades, down my neck. As if something was missing, in me, but I only realised it once I saw him. (Pause) I remember I kissed him once, we were pissed, been out all night, he jumped out the taxi at his, and it was the most natural thing, we hugged and I kissed his neck and he… bloody hell, thought I was going to shag him or summat. I dunno. It wasn’t that, though. That wasn’t it. Wasn’t what did for us. I dunno. But I didn’t, never, want to shag him, right?
Dwayne You get a mate, when you’re a kid, and you think, that’s it, we’re mates forever. You don’t even know how you’re mates. Or why you’re mates. You simply are. It’s like, I can’t even remember meeting Max. He was just always there. Then one day, something happens and you think: I don’t know a fucking thing about this freak. Up to that point you thought you had a handle on the friendship, thought you knew what’s what, you know. (Pause) But even then… there’s something in Max, vulnerable my mum always said. And it made me feel like I had to... look after him, I s’pose.
Max It was all for him, you see?
Dwayne It was all for him, not me.
Max Cos, back then, you had two options. Football or music. You played one or the other. Football if you were a big lad, music if you weren’t. Dwayne, he did both. That’s how cool he was. But no one can carry that alone, it was clear he needed a manager like, even just for his DJ-ing. (Pause) I got him gigs. (Pause) And then, this one night…
Dwayne I know, I didn’t really need a manager, but... I guess we became a kind of team. Anyway. That night…
Max It was an important night.
Dwayne Max said, it’s a major night.
Max OK, it was the estate pub. The Lonely Drummer Boy. But still. We had A and R coming, don’t matter where from, someone was coming to see us… to see Dwayne, someone with power, so it needed to be good. We set up, back room, someone’s eighteenth. He had planned it so well, that playlist was storming. We sound check. Then bang! Bloody plunged into pitch bloody blackness.
Dwayne Oh god, I thought Max was going to implode. When he gets stressed, right, he has this eye twitch thing happen and his breathing goes all heavy. I can see he’s trying to control it, but he losing. And he looks so… like it’s the end of the world, he can’t speak, he’s that worried, then he just stares up at me. ‘Your uncle Rod’s an electrician, right? You must know how to fix it!’ So, we go downstairs, fuse has blown. But I don’t have any wire. So (beat) So, I talk to these lads in the band I’m support act for, and I strip down this guitar string, go back down to the basement, Max holding the torch the whole way, I take out the offending fuse, wind the wire round and round and round and it’s fine. Lights, power back on.
Max See? Dwayne can do anything.
Dwayne Max dances around and sings...
Max He fixed it, he fixed it, don’t care how, he fixed it!
Dwayne (laughing) He can be such an idiot.
Max Then - what a gig! Almost perfect. (Beat) But not quite. A and R clearly not so impressed, tight-arsed git, leaves before the end. And even though the gig was good, even though I told him that he stormed it, there was that...
They look at each other.
Dwayne Feeling of deflation. But… that wasn’t it. That wasn’t what did it for us.
Music plays as Max and Dwayne stand.
It happens
Played by David Judge and Dan Parr
Music Irfan
DJ Irfan plays dub step, djembe player plays Sinte beat to match their rhythm.
Dwayne Three weeks later. New year’s eve. What a party, good night. Bloody fantastic night. We’re dancing, drinking, singing, Max takes a liking to this lamp thing, like those old lava lamps, he unplugs it right and tries to nick it, but as we’re leaving the bouncer sees the end of the plug hanging out of his coat, chases him half way down Deansgate. We was killing ourselves laughing.
Max Funny. And walking home from town, after, it were mad. Everyone shouting and singing like the whole city’d come out to play, like we was all mates. One big happy family.
Dwayne I don’t think I’d ever seen Max so happy. He was dancing along like a little kid, playing ‘it’ with me and chucking grotty grey snowballs. Missed me every time.
Max We get to Chester Road, and it’s like almost light, but it’s not sunrise. No. It’s more like there’s that much smoke in the air. Makes it all white, like it’s daytime. Then comes the noise - sirens, water, rumbling slow then whoosh, like heavy rain. We’re surrounded by squawling brakes and thudding self-importance. ‘Anyone left in there?’ ‘No sir, all empty!’ ‘All clear now, sir!’ It was funny. Like we’d wandered onto a film set. I could’ve sworn I saw Kurt Russell giving someone a fireman’s lift.
Dwayne They’d had a party on at the Drummer Boy, of course they did, it was bloody new year’s eve. How were they to know some idiot had bolstered the fuses with a guitar string? (Pause) Fuse overheats. A spark leaps and… boom. (Pause) Lucky. Only one dead.
Switch to the Toro rhythm.
Dwayne I thought I was going mad.
Max I said, no need to feel bad. It has nothing to do with us.
Dwayne It has everything to do with us. (Beat) They never rebuilt the Lonely Drummer Boy.
Max It was a dump. Shit happens.
Dwayne I said we should tell someone, but Max said: what’s to tell? I said, Jesus, Max, we burned down the pub. He said…
Max (laughing) Fuck off. You burned down the pub.
Dwayne (Looks at Max then at the audience) That’s what did for us.
We are in the street. Dwayne is texting, Max sees Dwayne and stops.
Max (making his mind up) Dwayne!
Dwayne turns and sees Max. He hesitates.
Dwayne Max.
Max It's been... god, how long?
Dwayne A while.
Max Yeah, a while. So how are you? How’s...?
Dwayne Bex? Good, she's (he waves mobile phone) in a cafe with Jay and Artie.
Max Who're... god, kids?
Dwayne Twins. It happens.
Max Yeah, god, s'pose it does.
Dwayne Anyway, you’re…?
Max Good. Yeah, good. Got a few irons in the fire, you know. Talent spotting, management, you know me.
Dwayne You’ve not…?
Max What?
Dwayne There’s no…?
Max No. Right person and all that shit.
Dwayne Well, look, I’d better… Bex is picking me up.
Max God yeah. I’ve got to get on too. Look at that time. Well, nice to see you, we should…
Dwayne Yeah, definitely.
Max Yeah, but… We should.
Dwayne Yeah, maybe. See you around.
End
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