James Burke – The Talking Millipede (520 words)
1. So, I am going to start with a joke I heard on a plane last week. I just wanted to tell you this joke because it is one of the best jokes I have ever heard.
2. This old man is ninety-nine and very lonely. And he goes around to the pet shop around the corner and says, “I am ninety-nine and very lonely.”
3. And the pet shop man says, “I can see.”
4. And he says, “I need a pet.”
5. And the man says, “You do. The question is which kind of pet do you need. You can have your ordinary boring pet like dog, cat, parrot, ostrich or you can have an extremely erudite, articulate, well-read, stimulating, and esoteric pet.”
6. And the guy says, “That.”
7. He says, “Good. I have a special one tonight for you.” He gives him a small cardboard box.
8. The man says, “What’s this?”
9. He says, “It’s a talking millipede.”
10. He says, “A talking millipede. Oh!” And he buys it and he runs around home. And he can’t wait, so he lifts the lid off and there is a little millipede, you see, and he says, “Hello.” And the millipede doesn’t say anything.
11. So he says, “Around about this time of the evening I usually go down to a bar where I see my cronies and we have a few beers and we chat about the world and we have good fun and we have stimulating conversation and we drink and we watch TV and sometimes we watch the girls and you’d enjoy it. Want to come?”
12. And the little millipede says nothing. It wriggles a little, but it doesn’t say anything.
13. And he says, “Hello. Speak English . . . you know . . . Let’s try it again. This is a very nice bar. I can tell you the company is good.”
14. Well, after about thirty more minutes of this, the guy is incandescent with rage, because the millipede wriggles but it doesn’t speak.
15. So, he slams the top on it and runs back around to the shop and says, “I want my money back and you’re lucky that I don’t report you to the cops.”
16. And the chap says, “What’s the problem?”
17. And he says, “This talking millipede you’ve sold me does not talk.”
18. And the man says, “I was discussing Cartesian materialism with it before you came to buy it. What do you mean it doesn’t talk?”
19. He said, “I’ve been screaming at it for half an hour.”
20. He said, “Look, sir, maybe it’s the way you speak, maybe it’s the vocabulary you use, maybe it’s your tone of voice. Let’s try just once more. If the millipede does not respond, I will give you three times your money back. And I will apologize.”
21. And the fellow says, “You had better.”
22. And he takes the lid off and he says, “Do you want to go to the damn bar?”
23. And the millipede says, “I’m putting on my damn shoes.”