WE OPEN ON: TELEVISION
We pan away slowly. Two hands flash by in this dark room.
NAMELESS: (unseen) I am Nameless. I've been hurt more than once by the city and it's taxes. Everyday I see animals betrayed, and the strays wake me at night!
We turn to this man, who's got a white paper mask on.
NAMELESS: (cont.) My men are expendable. (two thugs playing ping pong) They'll do exactly as I bid.
CUT TO: HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD
Pedistrians and the drivers in the cars listen.
NAMELESS: (conc.) Ten billion dollars or this city's pet food is poisoned. Animals, wild or not, will die.
WE FADE OUT.
WE CUT TO: DE'S THREAD
INT. STAIRWELL
DeraiLer is walking down, toward the kitchen. He attaches his pistol and badge to his belt. He flaps the coat over them.
DE: Good morning!
DOREEN: (in the kitchen, cooking) Good morning!
INT. KITCHEN
His wife calls out as he steps in.
DOREEN: Don't step in the egg!
DeraiLer stops, looking down.
DE: (walking toward her) Oh, where's my thinking! I should of checked the floor for egg.
DeraiLer kisses Doreen. He picks up a peice of bacon, and eats it.
DOREEN: Aren't you gonna' be late?
DE: (looking at watch) Yep, you're right!
They kiss again, and he runs toward the door... slipping on the egg. He SLAMS down on the ground, rocking his head back and forth.
DE: (cont.) Oooh, oh! I'm too old for this shit!
DOREEN: Told you to watch it!
DE: (grinning- getting up) Just get the eggs.
CUT TO: MAGE'S TRAILER
The Magician coughs, lying on his bed nude. He sits up to the television playing '[i]The Three Dumbasses[/i]'. He rubs his fingers through his hair. A brief pause.
He gets up and walks over to an unfinished Vanilla Coke on the counter. He picks it up, taking a sip.
He walks over to a toilet and begins to take a leak. He takes one more sip of the warm VC in the glass bottle, then is unsure where to set it, because setting it down now is on the top of his to do list.
He throws it out the open window.
EXT. OCEAN BAY YARD
Rumblewolf the mailman passes by...
RUMBLE: (getting knocked down by the bottle) Huron!
INT. MAGE'S TRAILER
He comes by, putting his shirt on, and buttoning his pants. He slides open the door and a lab dog walks in.
MAGE: Who's a googleplastic oga wabba?! (petting him) BOUMBA FOBOS!
Googleplastic barks.
MAGE: (putting gun and badge on belt) You hungry? (walking over to refridgerator) Well we got a turkey sandwhich here, and the three is on. (unwrapping sandwhich) Cause that's all there is.
He takes a bite, then tosses it down. Googleplastic begins to eat. The Magician walks out.
EXT. FRONT BAY YARD
The Magician walks toward his bad ass saleen, just as Rumblewolf, wearing a paper mask of himself, sneaks in. Mage gets in his car, pulling out his keys. He shuts the door, and starts her up.
We cut to a long shot. This secluded beach seems cozy. The saleen takes off.
CUT TO: POLICE STATION- Noon
We see the parked silver car. DeraiLer's black corvette parks next to it. He gets out and heads for the front doors.
INT. BIG OFFICE AREA
De heads past a few cops, up to Akasha.
DE: (grabbing a donut) What's new?
AKASHA: Uuuh, two things. (picking up pad) You've been assigned to a new case. A man calling himself The Nameless. He's known for a few house robberies and urinating on fire hydrants but hasn't made a big move until now.
DE: (taking a bite of the donut- grabbing file) Okay, what's the second?
AKASHA: I'm supposed to tell you you're breaking in a new partner.
DE: Partner? What the hell for?
AKASHA: (walking away) Just read the report.
DE: Hey! I don't want no low life son of a bitch on my case! You tell him to shove it!
Suddenly his phone rings.
DE: (answering it) Railer?
-VOICE-: Yes, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind inspecting mine anus.
DE: You... you...! I... who the schmuck is this?!
-VOICE-: (spinning around in chair) You're new partner, Zee Magician. Shut-the-fuck-up.
DE: You don't talk to your old man that way!
MAGE: My old man's dead, old man.
Magician slams the phone down, and DeraiLer puts his away.
DE: (putting hand out) De RaiLer. Old cop still kickin'.
MAGE: (shaking hand) The Magician. Homicide detective.
Suddenly Bub walks by from across the room. He sees the two cops talking. He sighs, jogging over to them.
BUB: Hey!
DE: Bub.
MAGE: Bub.
BUB: De, Mage. I see you've two met.
MAGE: Yeah, what do you want?
BUB: I'm supposed to tell you about the case.
DE: All ready got it.
The two walk past Bub. He turns to them as they walk toward the interrogation rooms.
BUB: Hey you want to go to a bar or something later? You know... to catch up?
The Magician heads in one room, and De goes into the other.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM, One
De sets the file down. Akasha sets across from him. DeraiLer begins to take off his tie.
DE: I can get into a lot of trouble for this.
AKASHA: (unbuttoning shirt) Me too.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM, Two
The Magician begins to take off his tie. Miss SGT. McPfeiffer begins to unbutton her shirt. The Magician goes in and they begin to kiss.
MAGE: Never made it with another sergeant before.
McPFEIFFER: Shut up, Mage.
They continue to kiss.
INT. BIG OFFICE AREA
Several cops walk by the interrogation rooms, including Bub.
BUB: (stopping an officer) So, they still don't know these are two-way mirrors do they?
We pan away from Mage's, over to De's.
AKASHA: Oh! God! You're the best! Oh yeah! You're the best!
DE: (humping two-way mirror with hands behind his head) And YOU KNOW IT!
CUT TO: CORNER STREET- Later that day
The Magician and DeraiLer come out, and up to the two cars. The H.H. investigation theme begins to play.
DE: (looking at the two cars) My car, or...?
MAGE: (shooting his front tires) How about mine?
De gawks at this. The Magician gets in the drivers' side of his saleen.
DE: (running over to the passengers' side) You son of a bitch!
The car starts, and De gets in. The car backs up quickly then stops... only to speed off right after.
CUT TO: KARO STREET
The Magician drives his car, and DeraiLer sits next to him... reading the report.
Suddenly the police radio comes on.
BUB: (on radio) [i]Come in Mage! Come in De! You gotta' get to that house, De man! Doreen just called! She sounded upset.[/i]
MAGE: Doreen? A girlfriend.
DE: My wife of twenty-four years, now step on it.
Mage his the gas pedal full force, and the car speeds off.
CUT TO: DE'S THREAD- Moments Later
The saleen parks. De gets out, and runs for the door. Mage waits.
INT. LIVING ROOM
DeraiLer comes running in. He runs upstairs.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY
He runs into Doreen who slaps a set of stapeled pictures in his chest.
DOREEN: (crying) You've been having an affair! Don't lie to me!!
DE: Sweetie, no. I haven't been having an affair. I... I didn't... (looking at pictures of him and Akasha) Hmm. Yah see?
DOREEN: What?! You bully!
DE: (chuckeling) So? So what? I banged a chick. What da' deal?
Doreen runs into the bathroom, and slams the door. DeraiLer grabs the extra clip on the hall table.
EXT. FRONT YARD
DeraiLer comes out. Just then, an explosion! The house blows up!
Mage jumps out of the car, and De comes over covering his head.
DE: Shit! The bastard know's where I live! She's dead!
MAGE: (gun aimed down) Doreen? And who knows?!
Suddenly a peice of debris falls on Mage, knocking him down flat. DeraiLer picks it up off of him, patting his back a few quick times.
MAGE: (cont.) What? Are you a fag something?!
DE: Yeah, but your coats on fire!!
MAGE: (diving back to the ground- rolling) Shit!
The fire begins to settle as the smoke rises. The Magician gets up with his extra crispy coat. The run over to the car.
DE: Let's find some place to talk. Thank god the file is okay.
MAGE: (starting the car as De gets in) Then we bury this fucker.
The car turns down the street and takes off.
CUT TO: BAR- Sunset
DeraiLer and The Magician sit across from each other at a table. De drinks some Dial as Bobo the waitress brings Mage over a glass of oil. Bobo walks away.
DE: (reading the report) Having been imprisoned just once for two weeks, The Nameless sought his revenge. His cult would follow his commands and die if it came to it. (flipping a page) A dog in a trailer was shot six times at close range. It was killed, and it is believed The Nameless was involved.
DeraiLer closes the file.
DE: (cont.- concerned) This was just this morning.
The Magician pulls out a pen, clicking it twice. A hologram comes up, flipping through a few camera angles all around his trailer. One comes up inside, where Googleplastic is seen lying dead. Poilce tape around him.
-Suddenly a flash of Rumblewolf around the house, as The Magician leaves.-
MAGE: (dull and serious [Dar Syndrom]) De, I wanna' kill him.
DE: Easy. (pausing) [i]Easy[/i]. (reading another bit- then pausing again) Okay, we've got a lead. (getting up) We'll take twenty and walk the trail.
The Magician sips his oil, then begins chugging it down. DeraiLer turns back. Mage sets it down. His mouth area completely black. DeraiLer sighs.
FADE TO: POLICE STATION- 8:00 PM
EXT.FIRINGRANGE
De leaning up against a pole on his phone. He's talking to someone.
SNOOP-DOGG: [i]Lights, camera, action, show time! We bust shit back in no time![/i]
The Magician fires at a target with Rumble's paper mask strapped onto it. He's pissed, firing several more times.
SNOOP-DOGG: [i]You kind can't fuck with my kind! You must be losin' yo' mind![/i]
The clip is empty. Mage lowers the gun. De hangs up his phone, walking up to him.
WE FADE OUT.
WE CUT TO: BOATHOUSE- Later that Night
DeraiLer and The Magician walk along a path. A boat is tied to the dock down below in the dark water.
Suddenly the two stop at the sight of someone passing by with a box, just as another puts out a cigarette. The Nameless coughs up a bit of smoke, then turns to the other man setting the box down. It's Madness... the sewer lord.
De and Mage kneel down, pulling out their guns.
DE: (quietly) Let's see what they got in there.
The H.H. [i]investigation[/i] theme plays, as the two make their way to the back entrance. The baddies are headed for a red car.
Back over at the door, De opens it... while Mage provides cover. Looking all around them with his gun up.
INT. BOAT GARAGE
A big dark room. A big boat is set up on the ramp. Leading out an open area, out to the ocean. The two now move along, De leading, and head up to a big latch on the floor. DeraiLer opens it, looking in. A well-lit basement.
INT. BASEMENT
The two crawl down the ladder, Mage closing the latch behind them. They head in to the middle of the room. A big light on one end. The Magician turns to the corner, where a rocket launcher rests. Mage now looks out a window, seeing nothing but muddy darkness... while De turns the light on.
A GREAT WHITE SHARK, is staring face to face with them.
MAGE: (De backing into wall) Holy SHIT!
It swims away. The window looks out into the ocean at night with the help of this ultra-bright light.
DE: (putting gun away) Nice view, anyway.
They look out into the ocean. Suddenly some meowing. The two turn to a shelf on the right side of them. The Magician walks up, putting his gun away now too.
He steps up onto a two-step stool, looking at all the appliances. Then he sees two big bags moving, and now... more meowing. As the Magician reaches for it, the stool slips from underneathe his feet. He falls, breaking a part of the shelf... and now the bags fall with him.
DE: (headed for one of the bags) Are you okay?
MAGE: (getting up in pain) Fine.
Suddenly cat after cat after cat begin coming out of the bags. The two cops watch in confusion.
Suddenly the latch opens, and some gasoline starts to be poured down.
DE: (running over) Hey!
The latch closes, just after a match is set down. A fire starts.
DE: (cont.- jumping onto ladder) Fuck weasles!
De pulls out his gun, while Mage is looking at all the cats... and then the fire. Now the sound of a car taking off. De starts shooting at the latch, and the lock soon breaks. He climbs up the ladder and opens it... tearing it off it's weak hinges.
DeraiLer jumps back down to see Mage putting the cats back in one of the bag.
DE: We're free! Come on, let's catch the bastards! What... what are you doing?! We gotta' get the bastards!
MAGE: (peeved but calm) We're not leaving them behind.
The fire begins to grow bigger.
DE: Have you lost your mind?!
Mage continues to put them in as the start meowing again. Now scratching. He looks at De with a straight, otherwise emotionless, expression. Now DeraiLer sighs. He picks up the other bag and starts putting the rest of the cats in.
The Magician ties his, then starts dragging it toward the ladder. De grabs the last cat, making funny faces, then ties his bag. Magician picks up the rocket launcher, and slowly makes his way up the ladder. De follows.
INT. BOAT GARAGE
De is making his way up when the ladder snaps! He tosses the bag up, and Mage now picks the bags up... tossing them out the big door. He helps De up, and the two run out by the dock.
EXT. BOAT DOCK
The cats start meowing again. Mage picks the two bags up and swings them over into the grass.
DE: All right, now what... partner!
MAGE: (pulling up the rocket launcher) Well I've got one idea.
DE: No, wait a second!
A rocket fired! The house BLOWS up and the two cops are sent flying back over the docked boat and into the water. Two big SPLASHES!
The fire and smoke are immense! It just begins to settle some.
We cut over by some water, where De and Mage spring up and out by each other. The two watch the fire, then De turns to Mage... who's spitting out some dirt water.
DE: IDIOT!
A brief pause. The two start swimming for a ladder. They climb up and onto the sidewalk... soaking wet. Suddenly the shark pokes his head out of the water... just FEET away from the two who now dive for the grass. They look back as it goes down under.
Suddenly the sound of a phone ringing. De picks it up out of his pocket. Some sea weed follows.
DE: (into phone) RaiLer.
CUT TO: HOSPITAL ROOM
Doreen sits in a wheel chair. De enters, with Mage standing by the door looking in. She's burnt to a crisp.
DE: How yah doin' Doreen?
DOREEN: Fine, De!
De shakes his head. Grief stricken.
DOREEN: (crying) De... I realize I love you. But as long as you're with Akasha there can never be anything between us.
DE: Doreen, there's no need to cry. Besides I've got some really great news.
DOREEN: (still crying) You're leaving Akasha?
DE: No. I just saved a load on my car insurance by switching to Mage's Plan.
Doreen sobs uncontrobally now... wheeling her ugly burnt ass out of the room.
DE: (cont.- as she wheels away) I saved! I thought that meant something to you.
CUT TO: WILDLIFE BUILDING- The Next Morning
INT. BIG OFFICE ROOM
Bub comes around the corner. He walks up to a man at a desk and sets down.
BUB: Hi.
MAN: Hi. What can I do for you?
BUB: Well, you see it's my friend... yah see? He wants to know why this wildlife operation is moving against the city threat about... well you must of heard of it.
MAN: Yeah, but... just tell your friend to come back later.
BUB: No no, he's here.
MAN: What?
BUB: He's here now... uuh (calling out) Liedenz? Liedenz?
DeraiLer comes around the corner... reading a rabbit magazine. He walks over to the desk and sits down.
MAN: You want to know about the threat?
DE: Of course. I want you to stop this, you're an animal lover aren't you?
MAN: Actually I'm doing it for the money. [*no*]
DE: FREE those pets and strays from this mad man.
The office man starts to get a little nervous.
DE: Free WILDLIFE, yah dumb son of a bitch!
BUB: (copycat) Yah dumb son of a bitch!
MAN: Look, I've heard just about enough!