# 706 Love Shouldn’t Hurt
A special 18” program from In the Mix, the Emmy award-winning PBS teen series.
Appropriate for violence and gang prevention programs for ages 12 -18.
HOW TO USE THIS PROGRAM:
Dating violence is a serious problem affecting 1 in every 5 girls. This program features an annual county wide symposium in Westchester, NY to raise awareness and educate both sexes about the issue. Attended by nearly 300 diverse teens, the highlight is a group of peer educators who perform vignettes and then answer in character to questions raised by audience members who also give advice. Members of STAR (Students Terminating Abusive Relationships) encourage others to join and raise awareness in their schools. This video opens discussion among boys and girls on this critical issue.
The main element is a vignette the Looking Glass Players wrote and perform about a group of friends and their relationships. We see a number of common dynamics of dating abuse play out in both Emily and Todd’s relationship and Karen and Steven’s relationship. We also see their friends and peers struggling with how, and if, they should try to help their friends.
TODD and EMILY
When Emily was invited to the party, she said she would “have to ask Todd.”
Should someone have to ask their boyfriend or girlfriend for permission to go to a party or someplace else?
In a healthy relationship, where both partners are equal, how do two people discuss plans for going out?
An abusive relationship is based on one partner trying to gain or maintain power or control over the other. How did Todd use the following types of abusive behavior to control Emily?
Intimidating behavior
- Todd immediately began yelling loudly and aggressively at Emily. Later, during the question-and-answer period with the audience, Emily admitted she was afraid of him.
Verbal/Emotional Abuse
- Todd said to Emily “Are you losing your mind? If your head wasn’t attached you would lose that too.”
Using financial tactics to gain control
- Todd mentioned several times that he had bought Emily the phone. Buying people gifts with the expectation of something in return can be considered financial abuse. It was obvious that Todd was using the phone to keep “tabs” on Emily because he said he had called her 20 times and was very angry she hadn’t answered it.
Physical abuse
- Todd twisted Emily’s arm to the point of hurting her.
- At the party, Todd hit Emily.
Blaming the victim
- During the first argument, when other people saw Todd twisting Emily’s arm, Todd turned it around on Emily, saying “You see how you got people looking at me,” “You know I don’t like having to get like this, I don’t like having to argue with you all the time.” He is implying that she made him act like that. After she apologizes, he says “Don’t like it happen again, alright? Promise?”
Denial and Minimization
- After Todd hit Emily at the party, at first he denied hitting her. Then he admitted hitting her but said it was an “accident.”
STEVE and KAREN
Karen’s friend Lisa noticed a number of warning signs that Karen was in an unhealthy relationship. What were some of them?
She had straightened her hair, because Steve liked it that way.
Her grades had dropped – she had gone from being almost the valedictorian to close to an F.
She quit the drama club, which she had been the president of
She doesn’t hang out with her friends anymore, only with Steve’s friends.
She cuts classes to be with Steve.
She has to ask him if she can go to the party.
Steve uses very different tactics to control Karen from the ones Todd uses to control Emily. What are some of his tactics?
Steve is more manipulative, and doesn’t appear to be angry or aggressive.
Steve is nice to Lisa’s face, but behind her back says to Karen “I thought we agreed we weren’t going to hang out with people like that any more?”
Steve manipulates Karen into changing her clothes. He doesn’t directly tell her to change, but asks her “is that what you’re wearing?” and makes “suggestions” about what she should wear.
Steve uses a lot of ISOLATION tactics. He has convinced Karen to stop hanging out with her friends, quit the drama club and cut classes. This makes her much more vulnerable to his influence.
FRIENDS HELPING FRIENDS...OR NOT?
Karen’s friend Lisa is obviously concerned about her friend. In what ways does she try to help her and how does Karen react?
Lisa starts by pointing out to Karen ways in which she’s changing...her hair, drop in grades, quitting drama club, not hanging out with friends, etc.
Lisa tells Karen “I have to be honest with you, I’m worried about you.”
Lisa eventually gets frustrated because Karen is defensive and puts it back on Lisa by saying “You don’t know what it’s like having a boyfriend.”
After Todd hits Emily at the party, what are the different ways their friends react?
Some of the girls, including Lisa, gather around her and try to comfort her.
Some of the friends are blaming Emily, asking “What did you do? If he hit her, she must have provoked it.”
One person suggests calling the police, but all the other friends say “NO!”
One person says it’s not their business.
Steven tries to mediate by asking Todd what happened, and when Todd says it was an accident, he takes his word for it.
What do you think about these different responses? Which are helpful, which are not?
How does the attitude “it’s not my business” reinforce abusive behaavior? Why should it or should it not be everyone’s business when people are abusive? How does abusive behavior effect friends, family, and community of both abusers and abused?
During the audience questions, Emily says she does not think she’s in an abusive relationship...why not?
Some of the guys have pretty strong ideas about gender roles – the roles of males vs. females. How is this expressed? What does this have to do with dating abuse?
***Please see last page for reproducible teen tip sheet***
HOW TO REACH In the Mix:
For information about In the Mix, including show descriptions and schedules, visit us at , or e-mail us at . You will also find discussion guides, transcripts, video clips, resources and more.
Other In the Mix programs of interest to grades 6-12 and college are available on topics including: Divorce and Stepfamilies; Living with Serious Illness; Ecstasy Abuse; Steroid Abuse; Dealing with Death; Sex and Abstinence; School Violence; Financial Literacy; Cliques; Drug Abuse; Teen Immigrants; Depression and Suicide; Gun Violence; Incarcerated Teens; Self-Esteem; Sports Participation; Media Literacy; Activism; Alcohol and DWI; Getting into College; School to Work Transition; Careers; Relationships; AIDS; Fitness/Nutrition; Bullying; and others.
For a complete catalogue and ordering information call (800 343-5540),(800) 597-9448 or visit or .
Other In the Mix programs on Dating Violence include:
#407TWISTED LOVE: DATING VIOLENCE EXPOSED also with Spanish subtitles
“Appropriate for a classroom, youth group, or peer counseling programs, teens will gain an understanding of the issue and be better equipped to deal with it effectively.”-Video Librarian
#805 ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS: Get Help, Get Out
Teenagers of diverse backgrounds, including Native Americans, speak frankly about their experiences with dating violence. What make this program particularly unique are the stories from a male victim as well as siblings and friends. The program is organized into sections which first teach teens how to identify abuse and then answer these important questions: What happens next? Why not leave? When did you realize? How do you get out? Who can help? Where do you go from here? What would you tell others? This program raises awareness about the various resources available – teachers, counselors, friends, parents – and also encourages bystanders to speak out.
The U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (TDD: 800-787-3224)
This hotline provides crisis intervention, education, safety planning, and referrals for counseling, shelters and legal services nationwide.
Tips On How To Help A Friend Who’s Being Abused:
- Listen and believe. Don’t give advice unless it’s asked for. Just let your friend know you’re there for him or her, whether or not you agree with his or her decisions.
- Don’t make victim-blaming statements like “you’re stupid to stay with him” or “what did you do to make him hurt you” Be clear that the abuser is 100% responsible for his/her behavior, and no one can make another person abuse them.
- Tell your friend that his or her partner’s behavior is wrong, but don’t “badmouth” the partner or pressure your friend to break up with his or her partner. This may drive your friend away from you when s/he needs you most.
- Acknowledge your friend’s confused feelings, and recognize it’s possible to love someone who hurts you, but state clearly that s/he does not deserve to be hurt.
- Encourage your friend to get help. Offer to help find a counselor, or call a domestic violence hotline together.
- Don’t assume it’s safe to try to intervene with the abuser – this could put your friend in more danger, or put you in danger.
- Get some brochures, pamphlets, or information from the library or internet about dating abuse, and share it with your friend.
- Talk with a domestic violence specialist or call the domestic violence hotline yourself, for advice on how to help your friend.
- Call the police if you witness physical violence or believe someone is in danger.
Tips On How To Help A Friend Who’s Being Abusive:
- Tell your friend very clearly that the abusive behavior is not okay and that his or her partner does not deserve to be treated this way.
- Don’t laugh at jokes or make light of talk about abusive behavior. If the abusive person tries to minimize, deny, justify or blame the victim, confront this behavior and tell your friend s/he is 100% responsible for his or her own behavior.
- If your friend grew up in an abusive home, try to get him or her to talk about how that affected his or her current attitudes, values and beliefs about relationships.
- Encourage your friend to get help. Offer to help find a counselor, or call a domestic violence hotline together.
- If you know the person who’s being abused, be supportive of them and let them know they don’t deserve to be abused.
- Get some brochures, pamphlets, or information from the library or internet about dating abuse, and share it with your friend.
- Talk with a domestic violence specialist or call the domestic violence hotline yourself, for advice on how to help your friend.
- Be a role model by treating your partners and friends with respect, and speaking up when others make disrespectful, sexist or victim-blaming comments.
9. Call the police if you witness physical violence or believe someone is in danger.
1