Sentence Clarity and Precision
• Look for the central idea of the wordy sentence and feature it.
--Make the key idea the subject of the sentence. Then trim out any words or phrases camouflaging the point you want to make.
Here is a sentence with the main idea buried beneath unnecessary words:
Original
The encouragement of total reliance on the federally sponsored student loan program for medical students from low-income families to pay their way through school causes many young doctors to leave medical school deeply in debt.
Revision
Many young doctors from low-income families leave medical school deeply in debt because they have relied on student loans to pay their way through school.
• Focus on the action.
--Strung-out verb phrases such as "give consideration to" and "make acknowledgment of" slow down your writing and add excess words. To get rid of them, read your draft and focus on the action. Ask, "What's happening?" When you find out, try to express that action in a single lively verb.
Why write.... When you could write....
put the emphasis on emphasize
have an understanding of understand
make a comparison compare
is reflective of reflects
give permission to allow
in opposition to oppose
Weak and wordy
Some of the groups who are in opposition to the death penalty feel there is doubt about its morality.
Revised
Some groups who oppose the death penalty doubt its morality.
• Use people as the subjects of your sentences when you can.
--When you start a sentence off with a person rather than an abstract term, your sentence will move faster and you'll probably use fewer words.
Dull
Strong pressures were felt by Alex about his first research paper.
Lively
Alex felt strong pressures about his first research paper.
• Reduce the number of passive verbs.
--Passive verb constructions usually take up more space than active verbs, not only because they use more words, but also because they tend to cluster with abstract nouns and prepositional phrases.
Passive
The process by which nominees are chosen for the annual Academy Awards is viewed by many veteran movie critics as highly political.
Active
Many veteran movie critics regard the Academy Awards nominating process as highly political.
• Elimate forms of the verbs "to be" and "to have" whenever you can without a loss of meaning.
--These verbs are the weakest verbs in the English language.
Weak
A few of the fellows who were less serious would go into a bar where they would have a steak dinner and a few glasses of beer.
Better
Some of the less serious fellows ordered steak dinners and drank beer in bars.
• Eliminate constructions such as "there is," "it was," and "it seems" whenever you can without altering your meaning.
--These constructions force you into wordy sentences and should be eliminated.
Weak
--There are two plays in our anthology, and I like them both.
--There is a suggestion box in almost all big business houses where employess may put ideas.
--It seems likely that she will be our next editor.
• Eliminate "that," "which," and "who" whenever you can without sacrificing clarity or precision.
--I was sure that he borrowed the calculator.
--I enjoyed the story which she wrote.
--Jack was the one who wrote the manual.
Sample Sentences
1. Daniel is employed at a rehabilitation center working as a physical therapist.
2. There is another videotape that tells the story of Charles Darwin and introduces the theory of evolution.
3. It is imperative that all police officers follow strict procedures when apprehending a subject.
4. The financial analyst claimed that because of volatile market conditions she could not make an estimate of the the company’s future profits.
5. Burying nuclear waste in Antarctica would be in violation of an international treaty.
6. A decision was reached by the committee.
7. The transformer was struck by lightning, plunging us into darkness.
8. As the patient undressed, scars were seen on her back, stomach, and thighs.