Top Ten Signs Your New College Roommate is Nuts
10. Walks around campus wearing nothing but a spiral notebook
9. He orders Big Macs with extra condoms
8. Whenever you put up a college pennant, he takes it down and eats it
7. Keeps reminiscing about the time he was married to Larry King for a semester
6. His personal web site: www.killmyroommate.com
5. He keeps cutting the eyes out of your Hanson poster
4. Claims to be majoring in something called "gettin' some"
3. His GPA's lower than his blood alcohol level
2. He says he wants to sleep on top, but you don't have bunk beds
1. Has his S.A.T. scores tattooed on his forehead
Top Ten Signs You've Chosen the Wrong College
10. "First ten students are offered jobs as professors"
9. "Latin motto translates to 'I can't believe it's not butter'"
8. "'Kollege'" is spelled with a 'K'"
7. "All that's in library: paperback anthologies of 'Garfield'"
6. "The Dean's List salutes students who've slept with the dean"
5. "All buildings covered with ivy...on the inside"
4. "You're constantly being accosted by Al Qaeda recruiters"
3. "'Philosophy' lectures are based on that day's Jerry Springer Final Thought"
2. "Most notable alumnus? Fema director Michael Brown"
1. "You ask about the college endowment ...and the admissions officer drops his pants"
Top Ten Bad Titles For College Application Essays
10. "Why I'm Gonna Get So Much Attention In College"
9. "Chico, My Most Unforgettable Cellmate"
8. "D's = A's: My High School's Complex Grading System"
7. "Gross Things I Did To Food When I Worked At McDonald's"
6. "I Hired Some Chinese Kid To Write This Essay"
5. "Why The Admissions Director Loves His Car And Wouldn't Want Anything Bad To Happen To It"
4. "A Few Ideas On What To Do With All Those Annoying Elderly People"
3. "Faith Hill: She's A Good Singer, But Is She Really A Diva?"
2. "Instead Of An Essay, Here's a Photocopy Of My Ass"
1. "One Year In College, Then 'Hello, NBA!'"
Top Ten Least Useful College Courses
10. "Perspectives On Fudge"
9. "Introduction To The Hat"
8. "Introduction To Introduction To The Hat"
7. "1999: Carson Daly's Hunkiest Year"
6. "Unheard Voices: The Poetry Of Raccoons"
5. "Other Fashion Statements Made By The Guy Who First Tied A Sweater Around His Neck"
4. "Latin"
3. "The Comic Genius Of Dave Letterman"
2. "Taft To Cheney -- A Century Of Fat Politicians"
1. "Cooking With Cipro"
Top Ten Least Useful College Majors
10. Stamp-licking
9. Shopping for Scarves
8. Guesstimation
7. The Physics of Chair-throwing on "Jerry Springer"
6. English Accents: Why They Sound So Fruity
5. Comparative Blinking
4. Counting Backwards from 10 to 1 (with department head David Letterman)
3. Melonballing
2. The Ethnobiosocioanthropsycho-pharmacolinguistics of Fudge
1. Lee Majors
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your New College Roommate
10. "I took the liberty of pushing the beds together"
9. "You have two healthy kidneys, right?"
8. "No matter what you hear, don't open this trunk"
7. "Where should I hang these posters of beloved Commander Hussein?"
6. "If some guy comes by looking for his 15 grand, tell him to go screw himself"
5. "Can you believe that 'Bubble Boy' movie made fun of people with my condition?"
4. "Here's the deal: I get the bottom half of the room, you get the top"
3. "Uh oh, 9:30 -- time to go to sleep"
2. "Good news -- our dorm room is live on the Internet 24 hours a day!"
1. "Hide this quick! I'm the President's daughter"
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your New College Roommate
10. "I'm studying viruses... Wanna see my West Nile mosquitoes?"
9. "Hope you like toothless drifters..."
8. "Good news! Everything we do will be broadcast live on the Internet"
7. "Sorry this plastic bubble I live in takes up so much space"
6. "Do you want to be on the top or the bottom, and I know we don't have bunk beds"
5. "How much do you know about the fine products made by the Amway corporation?"
4. "Me no like roommate... Me wait til roommate sleeps, then no more roommate"
3. "We can conserve water if we shower together"
2. "Can my dad crash with us after Gore kicks his ass in November?"
1. "Anne Heche is wandering around your bedroom"
Top Ten Least Popular College Football Team Nicknames
10. The Fighting Oprahs
9. The Fumble Bunnies
8. The Really, Really Wide Loads
7. The Nittany Poodles
6. The Trouser Pilots
5. The Career-Ending Knee Injuries
4. The Drunken Swedes
3. The Gorgeous Ladies of Football
2. The Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Pants-Dropping Presidents
1. The Philbins
Top Ten Rejected College Mascots
10. Harvey, the Really Gay Georgia Bulldog
9. The University of Miami Propeller-Scarred Manatee
8. Zitboy, the M.I.T. Virgin
7. Zsa Zsa Ga-Bear
6. The Singin' Dancin' Wonderbra
5. The UCLA Janitor with Mysterious Patches of Hair on His Back
4. Pantsless Ol' Earl
3. The Clemson Creepy Guy Who Graduated Years Ago But Still Shows Up
2. Sniffles, the Big Cuddly Sinus Infection
1. The Notre Dame Fighting Intern