> In this session, feminist therapy, we'll be demonstrating how we work with gender role socialization as our centerpiece here. Now, sometimes people might think that feminist therapy is exclusively for women clients and done by women practitioners. And I think that at least gender-sensitive therapy can be practiced by both women and men and I think men have issues too about constricted and constrained sex roles, gender roles. So, what we're going to be looking at in this particular session is how is Stan's [assumed spelling] current life dictated by societal messages of what a man should be. Remember, we were talking last week about what it means to you to be a man particularly in this society. We have been looking a lot about what society really kind of puts on in some ways and you've been reading a book that you started a couple of weeks ago.
> Uh-huh.
> How's that going?
> Well, some things about it have surprised me actually. I'm reading, was reading about it the part where it was talking about what they call masculine, masculine socialization, something like that and they were saying about how--what the part that really struck me was when it talked about masculine socialization as being kind of brutalizing. Do you know the part I'm talking about?
> Uh-hum.
> Is when it was talking about, you know, the way that boys are socialized is oftentimes in brutality, you know, something about that that really, I don't know, kind of struck me as being true.
> Uh-hum, yeah. Well, tell me a little bit more about how that applied to you when you were reading about that, that boys are reared to be brutal.
> Well, I mean, having an older brother, I was always kind of at his mercy and anytime I ever complained about you know, Frank [assumed spelling] picking on me or anything like that, my dad would tell me to suck it up and be a man and you know, knock his lights out. Another thing I remember is there was this kid in the neighborhood, Punky [assumed spelling] was his name and he used to pick on me constantly and I would always come home to my mom crying because Punky had beat up or pushed me in the mud or something like that. And I remember one day when I came home and she wouldn't let me in the house. She said, you know, you're not coming back in this house until you go out there and suck Punky in the nose and it's scared me to death. So, I did it. I mean, I went out there and suck Punky in the nose and he took me and he pushed me in the mud and I came home and I was crying and I told my mom what happened and she let me in the house, but it just didn't seem--I mean, looking back on it now, it just didn't seem right.
> So, a lot of your early experiences were with, be tough, suck it up.
> Yeah.
> Show how tough you are and how did you measure up on that?
> Not so good.
> Yeah, not so good.
> Especially compared to my brother or my dad for sure.
> Right. Well, one reason I suggested the book was that I thought it would be helpful to you to reflect on your own life about what you had picked up from the larger society, from your own family as well as the society too about what men should be. And now, you're getting a little bit better picture of some of those messages that you've heard?
> Well, yeah and it's been kind of tough because I don't know, I don't think I fit very many of them very well.
> Well, like what are a few that you don't fit?
> Well, to be competent, to be strong, to be--I don't know, uncaring like my dad, nothing rattles him, nothing rattles him. The only thing that ever happens he gets mad. I've never seen him scared, I've never seen him, you know, sad or anything like that and my reactions are to get sad.
> Okay, so he's sort of like a rock?
> Yeah.
> Unmovable.
> Yeah. I mean, if he saw me doing some of the things I'm doing in here, you know, he would say, I mean, he would just tell me, well, suck it up and have some beer. Have a beer, like that, you know, it wouldn't be--
> Yeah. And so, let me just check something out. Is your father the way you want to be? When you look at your father, is this rock, is this what you want to be in your own life?
> Well, sometimes.
> Sometimes.
> Sometimes I'd like to be able to be that way. I'd like to be unperturbed.
> Uh-huh.
> But usually not, no, no, I don't. I mean, I don't.
> So, there's some things about you that you would like different than what your father is telling you how you should be.
> Sometimes I feel like I've swam way too far to the other side like I'm too soft.
> Too soft.
> Trying not to be like him.
> Uh-hum.
> Does that make sense?
> It does. So, you're really working hard to convince yourself and the world in some ways that I'm not like him.
> Uh-hum.
> And if he is hard, I want to be really soft.
> But I don't want to be really soft too.
> Okay.
> Well, you get what I mean. I mean, I don't--there are times I think when I need to be tougher--
> Okay.
> And I'm not.
> But you know what I hope is that you can choose those times when you need to be tough. Maybe there are some times in life when you need to be tough for survival or so that everything doesn't get to you. So, maybe there are some times you might want to really say yeah, I need to be tough or not let this get to me.
> Uh-hum.
> But it seems like that's being a little overly vigilant if you're always that way.
> Right.
> And like your father would want to. What do you think about is message, suck it up and have a beer?
> I don't really thought about him saying that until just now. It makes me wonder if that isn't somehow sometimes how I do it.
> How you do it?
> Well, how I deal with things.
> So, you suck it up and have a beer?
> Uh-huh. Well, having a beer, maybe drink a little bit.
> Uh-huh.
> More than I've always wondered about that.
> Uh-hum, yeah. And from the way you've talked about, I kind of, I'm getting the sense of those a lot you keep in, a lot of your feelings, suck it up.
> Uh-hum.
> Hold it in, maybe the beer, if you drink enough of it, it kind of numbs some of that side that you don't want.
> I never thought of it that way, but maybe.
> Uh-hum, so you don't always want to be tough it sounds like.
> Right.
> You certainly don't want to be like your father.
> Uh-hum.
> You don't want to just suck it up and have another beer, it sounds like.
> Right.
> Would you like to have more of a softer side to you?
> Well, I mean, I do have that side.
> You do?
> But I think sometimes it has maybe paralyzed like being afraid, I see that as being soft and sometimes I'm--I get stuck by being afraid like when it's time to ask a woman out or something like that I get paralyzed, but I think that, you know, if I was like my dad I would just go do it, if she says no, well, screw it, that's the way it is.
> Yeah.
> Move on to the next one like that.
> Uh-hum.
> Sometimes it would be, I think it would be nice to be able to be like that.
> But it sounds like you're a lot more sensitive.
> Right.
> And things get to you.
> Yeah, I crawl off to lick my wounds.
> A-ha. Are there any other messages that you are getting clearer with that you might want to reconsider particularly about what you've learned about what a boy should be like when you were growing up and what a man should be like today.
> Well, the other one is more about kind of competence or being able to do things right.
> Uh-hum.
> You know when I think of kind of the classic man, he is competent, he doesn't make mistakes, he is not clumsy. He is able to you know, take care of business.
> Uh-hum, yeah. And does that mean com--
> I am not like that at all. I'm a total, I mean, I've bumbled my way through most everything I think.
> Okay. Does that equal weakness?
> In some ways, I think so.
> A-ha, yeah and do you see there's anything you could do about that?
> About being bubbly?
> Well, you know, about not being all competent.
> I don't know. I don't know what I could do about not being competent. I mean, I--yeah, I don't know.
> Yeah, yeah. Maybe at least you can kind of consider where did I learn men in particular are always competent or always strong.
> Uh-hum.
> Never show any vulnerability or weakness because I'm hearing that some of that you would like not to be driven by today.
> Right
> And so that's encouraging to hear that, you know, at least some of these you would like to change.
> Well, I look at you, you seem very competent, you seem, you know, like you've got a handle on everything. I bring something up and you instantly, kind of know how to react to it and how to respond to it and, you know, I get tangled up.
> Uh-hum. Of course there'd be a lot of things you could ask me to do that I would feel as competent knowing. I know, you do some building work and if you ask me to do any of that, you would see incompetence. So, maybe you have kind of a glorious picture that people should be competent in all areas of life at all times, you know. I hope you're seeing how, you know, the external world out there has laid a lot of things on you, a lot of standards to even try to live up to that have you even recognized.
> I haven't even considered it until I started reading that book, which made me think about--I didn't want to say this, but now you are talking about it, we're talking about kind of this being a man kind of thing, I was on campus and I saw this poster for a men's group at the counseling center.
> Uh-hum.
> And I thought, that might be interesting thing to kind of go check out. Although, I didn't say anything to you about it because I thought you would probably just tell me to go ahead and join and I'm not sure if I wanted to do that yet, but it was something I thought it might be interesting to kind of go try.
> Yeah, you know me well. I would have said that. And so now that you bring it up, I'm encouraging you that.
> But I'm also concerned that I'll go in there and they'll be, you know, kind of tough guys or whatever and I'll be--
> A-ha. You said, you had a lot of negative experiences with boys when you were growing up and with men too like your father wasn't exactly supportive in a lot of ways, suck it up.
> Yup.
> So, do you think you'd investigate this manuscript?
> Yeah, I'll find out a little bit more about it, but I don't even remember what--I saw the poster, I don't know what days they meet or anything like that, but I can look at it again and maybe find out more about it.
> Well, why I'd encourage this is if it's a group for men that you would hear other men's struggles, that would be my guess, talk about with them means to them to be a man, and what cultural messages that they've heard and how they are affecting.
> Right.
> So, it might be very helpful for you to get other perspectives particularly of other men.
> It's a good point.
> Yeah. You know, the main point is I'm not trying to tell you how you should be a different kind of man. I mean, what good would it do if you listen to me, you know, that would just be replacing the culture out there. I think what's more my goal for you is that you begin to question the external messages you've heard to decide if they fit for you and if you want them to fit.
> Uh-hum.
> Like if you want to live by that standard that I should be competent and everything at all times. Does that make any sense?
> It does. Certainly suck it up and have a beer doesn't fit for me.
> Right.
> Where I am now.
> So, what I think I'm saying is you could modify some of that, if you recognize what messages and standards you've internalized.
> Right.
> To determine what kind of man you want to be because it doesn't mean you'd throw everything out. You'll look into this men's group for next week.
> Yes, I will. I'll check it out.
> Good. In this session, my attempt was to get Stan to think about what kinds of messages he's heard not only from the larger culture, but his family of origin. At least I was intent on him beginning to question these external messages. Is this what he really wants to live his life by, is this the way he wants to continue maybe by living by word of assumptions in some case. This session also demonstrated bibliotherapy. I assigned a book and Stan read it and it was about men and socialization and boys growing up and again Stan brought that in and we talked about it. In feminist therapy, we use a lot of techniques that are similar to some other therapies like cognitive therapy, ask people to look at their beliefs, where they came from, but here we are focusing more on the gender piece. And that's what I think is unique to this particular orientation of therapy looking at gender roles and how they affect our present behavior. And again, if you'll look in the chapter you'll see a lot more that we could do with gender roles socialization and modifying certain beliefs.