ONLY FOALS AND HORSES
1974 A Trotter Odyssey
WRITTEN BY
TRISS ARNOLD
BASED ON
ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES
BY JOHN SULLIVAN
INT: TROTTERS LOUNGE. EVENING (18:00) . STUDIO
The flat seems pretty much the same as in the first episode Big Brother. Boxes litter the lounge, the two chairs and sofa are in their usual place, Grandad's two TV's are also there.
Grandad is sitting in his usual chair in his pyjamas watching mastermind on one of the TVs.
Magnus Magnusson's voice off screen asking a question "where did King John sign the Magna Carter?"
Gd
Brazil
We hear the contestants voice in the background saying Runneymede. Del walks in
from the kitchen, he's dress smartly but a little to flamboyant wide collar etc.. he looks about 27. He looks at Grandad and shakes his head with a slight smile.
Del
I don't know why you bother trying to
answer those questions Grandad, everyone
knows that the Magna Carta wasn't signed
in Brazil.
Gd
Well where was it signed then?
Del
At the bottom.(LAUGHS)
Gd
Who's bottom?
Del
What do you mean who's bottom?
Gd
Well didn't they have a desk to lean
on or sumfink.
Del
You dozy old git, it was meant to be a joke….
Del sighs and looks towards the bedroom.
Del
(SHOUTING) Come on Rodney,
your gonna be late for your youth club,
and I've gotta meet Monkey Harris
down the Nags Head about some
business, so shift your backside
you plonker!
Rod
(O.O.V FROM BEDROOM SHOUTING)
I'm not coming.
Del
(SHOUTING) What do you mean
your not coming?
Rod
(O.O.V SHOUTING) Im not coming.
Del
(SHOUTING) You'll miss the start
of the disco and end up dancing
with a right bow-wow.
Rod
(O.O.V SHOUTING) I don't care
I'm not going out like this.
Del
(SHOUTING) Don't be daft Rodney,
stop shouting and come out here
before Mrs Cooper downstairs starts
banging on the ceiling with her broom again.
A door slams out of view, then the door to the bedrooms is pulled violently open Rodney stomps out into the lounge, he is 11 but very tall and rangy he is wearing a flower-power shirt lurid pink with little red poppies covering it with a large collar. His face is covered in red angry spots. He looks at Del moodily.
Rod
(WHINING VOICE) I can't go to the
disco looking like this! Look at me!
I look like a right wally.
Del
What do you mean, you look ok to me,
you look like a young David Niven
(looks to Grandad) he looks like a
young David Niven don't he grandad?
In the background again we hear Magnus's Voice who won The Oscar for best actor
in the motion picture Lilies of the Field In 1963?
Gd
(LOOKING AT TV) Sidney Potter.
Again In the background again we hear contestants voice saying Sidney Poitier.
Del
There you go Rodney you look great,
especially in that beautiful new shirt
I got you, pure nylon that is none of
your silk rubbish.
Rod
It's 'orrible Del, I look like a right
dipstick with this on, every time I walk
on carpet my hair stands up, and if you
hadn't noticed my face looks like a dot
to dot book, Mickey Pearce will kill
himself laughing at me.
Del
Theirs nothing wrong with your
boat race…, that a paper bag wouldn't
cure….(DEL AND GRANDAD
SMIRKS UNTIL A LOOK FROM
RODNEY STOPS THEM) Anyway
that Mickey Pearce is a bit to fly
by half in my books, if he gives
you any lip tell him I'll come down
to that youth club and give him a
clump round the earhole. Well alright
then, if you really don't want to go
I'll be off..Oh.. Grandad give Rodney
some of that pudding before he goes
to bed, alright?
Gd
(STILL WATCHING TV)
Rumplestiltskin.
Del
What?…what are you going on about
you dozy old git?
Gd
(TURNING TO DEL) Sorry Del-boy,
what did you say?
Del
I said you deaf old sod, give Rodney
some of that pudding in the fridge
before he goes to bed, alright?
And make sure he's done his
homework.
Gd
Yeah alright Del-boy, (to Rodney)
what 's your homework tonight Rodney?
Rod
Natural History.
Del
What you mean instead of un-natural
history?
Rod
(SIGHS) Its about Animals Del.
Del
Oh yeah what like Lions and Tigers
and Rhinos and fings? What kind of
animals are you studying then?
Rod
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Leopards.
Del
(GIGGLES WHILE SPEAKING)
Sorry Rodney I didn't quite catch that.
Rod
(LOUDER) Leopards!
Del
What you mean the ones with stripes?
Rod
(FRUSTRATED) No the ones with bloody
spots Del.
Del
(FAKE SHOCK) Behave yourself Rodney,
what would Mum say if she could hear
you talking like that?
Gd
She'd be upset Rodney, you haven't been
brought up to talk like that.
Rod
What do you mean I haven't been brought
up to speak like that? All I ever hear is
language like that…
Del
Mickey Pearce isn't the only one going to
be getting a dough boy around the lughole if
you carry on like that Rodney!
Rod
Yeah, OK sorry Del, .
Del
That's better.
Gd
You're a good boy Rodney your Mum
would be proud of you.
Rod
(TO GRANDAD BRIGHTLY)
So what've I got for Pudding then.
Gd
Spotted Dick!
Del and Grandad starts laughing again Rodney pulls a right face.
Del leaves the flat.
CUT TO:
EXT: OUTSIDE THE NAG'S HEAD EVENING /DUSK(18:30). FILM
We see the Trotters Van coming into the Pub car park it looks almost new, it pulls up
and stops outside and Del gets out. As he walks into the pub we see a road sweepers
cart up against the wall.
CUT TO:
INT: THE NAG'S HEAD EVENING /DUSK (18:32) STUDIO
The Nag's Head is the same as in 1st episode maybe a large Watney's Red Barrel sign
somewhere, a few people are milling around In the early evening. David Essex is
playing in the background. Del walks in and sees Trigger at the bar. He is leaning
against the Bar with a half of bitter in a dimple mug he's wearing a Donkey Jacket
and Wellies.
Del
Alright Trig, how's your luck pal.
Trig
Hows it going Del-boy? Not too bad
got myself a new job today.
Del
(To barmaid) Hello sweetheart,
I'll have a pint of Watney's in a
straight glass, a half of whatever
Trigs poisoning himself with
today and one for yourself.
Del gets his drink takes a sip pulls a
face and turns to the barmaid.
Del
Er Kate come here.
She ignores him.
Del
(LOUDER) Oi Kate, come here.
Kate the barmaid walks over a pretty girl about 27 years Old, longish dark brown hair
and a nice smile.
Kate
(SMILE) Yeah what is it Del-boy.
Del
Has the brewery fixed the plumbing in
the toilet yet?
Kate
Whaddya mean? We haven't had any
problems with the plumbing.
Del
(HOLDING UP PINT) Oh? So why
does this taste like the pump's
connected to the gents then?
Kate pulls a sarcastic face and walks off to serve someone else.
Del
So Trig what's this about a new job
then?
Del looks at Trigs clothes.
Trig
(STARTS PREENING)
Yep start on Monday.
Del
Really? So what is it then, MP?
Lord Mayor? Brain Surgeon?
Trig
(OBLIVIOUS TO MICKEY TAKING)
No nothing like that Del-boy
(PROUDLY) I'm going to be a
He pulls out a piece of paper and starts to read struggling with the words
Trig
(CONT) external...refuse… reclamation..
operative with manual…apparatus…and
vehicular…assistance! They said I would
be the public face of the department.
Del
That's great Trig, but what does a
external refuse reclamation thingy
with manual apparatus and vehicular
assistance do exactly?
Trig
Well to be honest Del-boy, I don't really
know I'm a bit confused, the man at the
council depot gave me a this Donkey
Jacket and Wellies, seems a bit strange
for someone with such a important job!
Trig turns around to show his jacket
to Del on the back in large letters are
the words PECKHAM BOROUGH
COUNCIL STREET CLEANING DEPT.
Del
(STARES IN AMAZEMENT) Bloody hell
Trig, you're a road sweeper!
Trig
(DEADPAN) Oh…I wondered why
he gave me this broom then,
(takes a broom from behind him and
shows it to Del) and that dustcart in the
car park
Del
Gordon Bennett Trig where were
you when they were handing the brains
out eh, behind the door? I mean didn't your
Grandad Arthur used to take you out on his round
when you were a sprog?
Trig
Yeah, but I was only three weeks old and he used to
keep me in the cart so I couldn't see much.
At this moment Monkey Harris walks in. A typical villain wearing a camel hair coat
lots of jewellery sunglasses etc…
Monk
(LOUD AND BRASH) Del-boy,
Trigger how're you doing boys,
(TO KATE) I'll have a Vodka Martini
with Tomato Juice please darling,
Oh and a umbrella, (Del is obviously
impressed by this) So Del-boy have
I got a deal for you my son, make
you and me a few sheckles it will.
Del
(SLIGHT ANNOYANCE)
Oh yeah Monk? Like those Space
Hoppers you sold me last month?
(TURNS TO TRIG) Get this Trig,
you know those kids toys the ones
what look like a great big orange
ball with handles that kiddies
sit on and bounce around on?
Trig
Yeah I bought one remember.
Del
(CONT..) Well Monk here sells me
a gross of the things right.
Didn't tell me though that they
were faulty did he? (MONK GRINS)
Had all these parents bringing
them back complaining about them.
Turns out the valve where you blow
them out was leaky every time
the little buggers bounced on them
they sounded like terminal baked bean
addict!
Trig
Oh right, I'd better cancel that doctors
appointment then.
Del
Whys that then Trig?
Trig
Well I thought I'd burst something
when I was bouncing on that hopper thing.
Monk
Del-boy, Del-boy How was I to know
about that? I bought them in good faith
from the Driscoll Brothers and I wasn't
about to go back to them and ask for
my money back now was I? Anyway
come over here I've got this deal…
Del follows Monk over to one of the small round tables and sits Down opposite Monk.
Monk
(LEANING TOWARDS DEL)
You know they are putting in North sea gas
supplies in the area at the moment?
Del
Yeah, its been in the Peckham Echo
recently so what?
Monk
Well I've got a mate who works for the
gas board see? And he's managed to
supply me with 80 do-it-yourself
gas conversion kits.
Now these aren't going on sale
until early next year, but you could
flog them off down the market earn yourself
a fortune.
Del
Ere are these Hooky?
Monk
Nah, Del he's not nicked them yet.
Anyway they retail at Fifteen quid each
but you can have them for a tenner each!
Del
A tenner? You must be joking!. three quid each.
Monk
Seven.
Del
Four.
Monk
Six.
Del
Fiver each, sale or return.
Monk
Go on then, Fiver each sale or return.
I'll give you a bell next week when he's
got them .
Del
Lovely Jubbly we'll store them my warehouse.
Monk
You mean your garage?
Del
Yeah that's what I said my warehouse!
CUT TO:
EXT: TOWER OF LONDON. DAY (11:30) FILM
1970's typical fashion of the day flares etc…We can Del dressed smartly, but a little too loudly. He has an old-fashioned box brownie camera slung around his neck on a strap. A large cardboard sign at his feet says TROTTERS OFFICIAL LONDON TOWER PHOTOS - HAVE YOUR PHOTO TAKEN WITH THE FAMOUS CROWS - ONLY A POUND A GO
Del
Come on now ladies and gentlemen,
how about a picture of yourself at
the famous tower of London. Only a
pound a go! he looks around picking
a man out of the passing crowd,
Come on sir how about a picture
with the famous Crows of old London
Tower only a pound!
As Del is making his spiel a man in Black Overcoat And Trilby Hat walking towards
Del with his hand pointing towards him.(same positioning as Lee Harvey Oswald &
Jack Ruby)
Man
(AGGRESSIVE) Where's my picture?
You took it a month ago and I haven't
seen it yet!
Del
Yeah, alright mate hold onto your hat.
Look I sent you the photo in the post,
I must have got lost. Look I'll send you
another one, you can't say fairer than that.
Man
Ok then, just make sure you do or I'll be back.
Del
(SMILES) No problem, Lovely Jubbly .
A pretty girl walks past looking at Del and the man. Del spots her his eyes stand out
and makes a beeline straight to her.
Del
Hello Darling how'd you like
your photo taken with the world famous
Crows of LondonTower? Only a
pound. or duo pesta as they say in the
dudoine. He smiles at the girl who
smiles shyly back suppressing a giggle.
Girl
(TEXAN ACCENT) Well I don't really know…
Del interrupts
Del
(SMILING) Come on sweetheart it's only
a pound, you know it makes sense!
Girl
Well ok, it would be nice to have a photograph
to take home..
Del
Lovely jubbly,.
Girl
(PUZZLED) What?
Del
Hmmm? Well come on... oh! I'm sorry
my name is Del that's short for Derek,
so what's your name then?
Girl
Oh.. well if you insist its Billy-Joe Ewing
Del
Billy-Joe? Do you know that's my most
favourite name in the whole world.
Bj
Really? That's nice. I would like my
photograph taken with a Beefeater.
Del
What you mean down the Wimpy Burger Bar?
Bj
Sorry? I mean one of those men over there
Bj points to a Beefeater in the distance, Del looks worried he knows he is not meant to
be there taking photos.
Del
Erm.. Ok come with me
Del leads Bj near to the Beefeater who is looking the other way.
Del
Ok then sweetheart go and stand
over by him and I'll take your photo.
Bj walks over to the Beefeater and stands next to him. The Beefeater however is
facing the other way talking to a couple of Tourists, Bj looks at the Beefeater then
back to Del, her face is downcast maybe sensing that she wont get the photo she
wants. Del looks at her face and comes to a decision.
Del
(BREATHES DEEPLY AND SHOUTS )
Oy sunshine one of yer crows legs ave
fallen off!!
The Beefeater swings round towards the sound spotting Del taking the photo.
BE
(SHOUTING AT DEL) Oy I told you last
time to clear off!
Del grabs his sign and runs off towards the exit.
CUT TO:
EXT:OUTSIDE GATE OF TOWER OF LONDON. DAY. (11:45) FILM
Del is leaning against the wall outside the Tower panting hard he lifts the camera and
looks at it.
Del
That would have been a lovely photo,
shame theirs no film in the camera!
Bj walks through the gate upto Del and looks at his sign.
Bj
I take it you are not a official photographer
of the LondonTower Crows then?
Del
You could say that darling, So where are
you from then what with the funny accent
and all that?
Bj
Texas.
Del
What, the do-it-yourself place?
Bj
(PUZZLED) America.
Del
America? Oh right, I've always wanted
to go to America. I love them gangster films.
So what are you doing in merry old
London then?
Bj
I'm here with Daddy, he's on business,
and I thought I would go and see the sights.
But this is the only place I have been able
to find.
Del
Mon Deiu! Why don't I show you around
I know London like the back of my hand,
all the great places the Royal Albert Hall,
BuckinghamPalace, WhiteCity
dog track.
Bj
Well I would like to see all those places.
Del
Cushty, come on then lets go.
Cut scene Film. Various places of interest around London, Del and Bj enjoying the
sights at Buck House, Westminster, WhiteCity. Del losing at the dog track tearing up
bet slip
CUT TO:
EXTPARKLAKE. DAY (17:30) FILM
Del and Bj are on a lake in pedello shaped like a swan Del is eating a iced lolly shaped like a rocket ship. Bj is looking across the lake, Del is staring at Bj.