KEEPING MUM SCRIPTS
Scene 8 : Walter and Grace at the church
Walter:God’s ways are mysterious, that’s why we say : God’s mysterious ways.
I mean, look at Job and all that befell him. He asks the Lord : “Why are you doing all this to me ?” And God could have explained, but instead he just said : “Trust me , Job”.
Now, that’s mysterious.
- God ?
- Yes Walter ?
- How do you think it’s sounding ?
- Well, the title stinks, for a start.
Grace : Hi, I’m sorry. I can’t agree with God about that.
Walter : Goodness, Grace.
Grace : Hope you don’t mind.
Walter : No, no, no, I was just practising for the convention.
Grace : It’s very thought provoking.
Walter : Dry and boring, I think, you mean. But that’s me all over.
Grace : Nonsense.
Walter : I’m not the most vibrant of individuals.
Grace : A bit serious, perhaps.
Walter : You’ve hit the nail on the head there.
P A U S E
Walter :Oh, dear. I hope that didn’t …..
Grace : Of course not.
For goodness sake, you’re a busy man, vicar; People should realize that.
Walter : Right ………. Yes.
Grace : Now …….. About your sermon .
Walter : Yes ?
Grace :Do you like jokes ?
Walter : Jokes ?
Grace :So you see, God is very tired and he says to Saint Peter : “Look Peter….. Petey “ he says , “ I’m absolutely exhausted. I need a holiday, I really do. Is there anywhere you can suggest ?” So, St.Peter thinks for a bit , and then he says : “Well, I know,” he says, “what about the moon?” And God said: “No, I don’t think so. Not the moon, there’s no atmosphere.”
Walter : Yeah, that’s funny.
Grace : I’m not finished, yet. So then God says: “I really want something different.” So, St.Peter says ¨”Well, what about Earth?” And God says : “No, I went there 2000 years ago. I met this nice little Jewish girl, and they’re still talking about it.”
Scene 14: Lance and Gloria at the restaurant
Lance: Hey! …….. So ………..
I have been up every night thinking. If we only ever get one chance of true happiness in our entire lives, Gloria, that nobody should ever die without having found it .
Gloria: I’m not alone.
Lance: Huh ?
Gloria: I’m not alone.
Lance: Oh.
So, I talked to my guy, and Mexico is on. I got a date tomorrow.
Gloria: What ?
Lance: I told you, when I move fast ….
Gloria: Oh that’s too fast, change it.
Lance: I can’t, the tickets are booked.
Gloria: Well, change the tickets.
Lance: Honey, they’re booked.
Gloria: You can’t change them ?
Lance: Gloria, this is everything we’ve been dreaming of.
Gloria: And the hotel ?
Lance: Hotel’s perfect.
Gloria: On the beach, like you said.
Lance: Of course, I mean, walking distance, seconds.
Gloria: The best hotels are on the beach , Lance.
Lance: Gloria, this is so much better than a hotel………
Well, actually…… I kind of need to know now.
Gloria: It can’t wait ?
Lance: It’s all confirmed.
Gloria: Well, I have concerns.
Lance: What …… kind of concerns ?
Gloria: I just want to make sure we have the right equipment, you know, the right kit. I’m not sure we have the right wood.
Lance: Hey, you are talking to me. You do not have to worry yourself about wood.
Yes or no , Gloria ?
Gloria: All right.
Lance: OK, Good. About five o’clock ? The place ? The usual place?
Gloria: OK
Scene 19 : Grace, Holly and Gloria after the discovery
Grace: I’m so glad we can have this little chat.
Gloria: What have you done with Lance, Rosemary ?
Grace: You know, I prefer Rosie. It takes me back to my childhood.
Gloria: What have you done to Lance, Rosie ?
Holly: Who the hell’s Lance ?
Grace: Ah, yes, well, that’s the question. You see, Lance ….. Lance liked to make films. Can you work this, dear ?
Holly: Who the hell is this guy ? I’ll kill him !
Grace: That won’t be necessary, dear.
Holly: What ?
Grace: Not the type you could have been happy with in the end, dear.
Gloria: Don’t change the subject. You have a dead man in your trunk!
Grace: No, no; he’s not in my trunk, dear. He’s in his car.
And that wasn’t just any man, was it, Gloria ? That was your lover.
Holly: That was your lover ?
Grace: Now, you’ve got to understand, Holly, your mother’s been very unhappy and lonely. Well, you know, your father, well, he’s a busy man, and along comes this handsome American….. with his accent and his swing, not the type I would approve of at all.
Gloria: You can’t go around killing people just because you don’t approve of them.
Grace: Oh, that’s what my doctors used to say. On that point we could never agree.
Anyway, I could see, your affair was ruining the whole family! The whole family!
You can’t expect me to sit back and do nothing about that, can you ?
Gloria: Yes, it has absolutely nothing to do with you !
Grace: It has everything to do with me. It’s the least a mother can do for her daugh…….. her daughter.
That’s something else we need to have a little chat about.
Holly: Wow, Mom, you looked gorgeous.
Gloria: Aren’t we forgetting the small matter of dead bodies ?
Grace: How did you know about the other bodies ?
Gloria: What other bodies ?
Grace: Oh, you didn’t know about the other bodies ?
Gloria: What other bodies ?
Grace: Just Mr Brown’s dog.
And Mr Brown.
Gloria: You killed them, too.
Grace: I did it for you, dear.
Holly: So what do we do now ?