Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen (New York: Viking Penguin, 1999)

Difficult Conversations as Learning Conversations

1)What is a difficult conversation?

a)Anything you find it difficult to talk about

b)Problem with “difficult” conversations – not so much in actions but in thinking

c)Difficult conversations are actually three conversations

i)The “what happened” conversation

ii)The “feelings” conversation

iii)The “identity” conversation

2)The What Happened Conversation – three problems

a)Truth Assumption: Difficult conversations are almost never about the facts – rather they are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations and values, e.g., it is not about what the other says, but about what it means; it is not about what is true, but what is important

i)Key points: getting away from “truth assumption” (e.g., I know the truth, the other does not) frees us from:

(a)Proving we are right to understanding the perceptions, interpretations and values of both sides.

(b)Move away from delivering messages toward asking questions, exploring how others are making sense of the world.

ii)Tools:

(1)Ladder of assumptions: understanding how the other arrives at their “truth”

(a)Sometimes we have different information

(b)Sometimes have same information but attribute different meaning to it

(c)Conclusions reflect our self-interest/mental models: we look for information that confirms our understanding of the world

(2)Move from certainty to curiosity

(a)Ask: what is my story? What information do I select? How do I interpret that information?

(b)Ask: what is other’s story? E.g., what information does other have or select? How did they interpret information they had?

(c)Embrace both stories: adopt the “and” stance

(i)Even when “delivering bad news” (e.g., ending relationship, firing someone); even here can imagine yourself into the other person’s story.

b)Intention Assumption

i)Mistake we make is that we assume we know others’ intentions but don’t

(1)Key point: assume you don’t know others’ intentions; inquire to find out.

(a)Battle over intentions:

(i)Disentangle intent from impact

(ii)Recognize our assumptions about others’ intentions are often wrong

We assume bad intentions means bad character
Accusing other of bad intentions creates defensiveness

(iii)Recognize that good intentions don’t sanitize bad impact

(b)What to do:

(i)Recognize tendency to automatically leap from “I was hurt” to “you intended to hurt me”.

(ii)Hold your view as a hypothesis to be examined/explored with other: share impact on you; inquire about other’s intentions

(iii)Don’t pretend you don’t have a hypothesis

c)Blame Frame:

i)Key point: rather than focusing on who is to blame, look for mutual contribution

(1)Blame is about judging and looks backward

(2)Contribution is about understanding and looks forward

ii)Misconceptions about contribution:

(1)I should only focus on my contribution

(2)Putting aside blame means putting aside my feelings

(3)Exploring contribution means “blaming the victim” –

(a)Contribution asks “what did I do that helped cause the situation?”

iii)Tools for spotting contribution

(1)Role reversal

(2)Observer’s insight

(3)Map the contribution system

(a)What are they contributing

(b)What am I contributing?

(c)Who else is involved?

(4)Take responsibility for your contribution early

(a)Help them understand their contribution

(b)Make your observations and reasoning explicit

(c)Clarify what you would have them do differently

3)The Feelings Conversation

a)Not about whether strong feelings will arise but rather how to handle them

b)When try to frame feelings out of the problem – unexpressed feelings can:

i)leak into the conversation

ii)burst into the conversation

iii)make it difficult to listen

iv)take a toll on our self-esteem and relationships

4)The Identity Conversation:

a)What does this say about me?

i)Am I competent?

ii)Am I a good person?

iii)Am I worthy of love?

b)What to do:

i)Keeping your balance

5)Getting started: begin from the third story

a)The third story is the one a keen observer would tell, someone with no stake in the particular problem

i)Think like a mediator:

(1)Not right or wrong, better or worse – just different

As adapted by JustLead Washington

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen (New York: Viking Penguin, 1999)

Difficult Conversation Exercise

Instructions: In preparing for a difficult conversation, reflect on questions below related to each of the three conversations.

1)The “what happened” conversation: This conversation considers: Who said what, who did what? Who intended what? What did each contribute to the problem? This section of the worksheet focuses on three main areas:

a)Understand each other’s stories: We often get stuck thinking that our story is “right” and their story is “wrong,” when in fact there is almost always some reasonable basis for both sides’ stories. Your goal in each column below is to tell the story in such a way that a friend or third party might say, “Hmm, that view makes a lot of sense.”

What is the problem from my point of view? / What is the problem from their point of view?
What data is behind my story? / What data is behind their story?
What are my relevant past experiences that inform my experience of this situation? / What are their relevant past experiences that inform their experience of this situation?

b)Contributions: Most problems stem from things both sides said or did. With a few important exceptions, it is rarely helpful to assign blame for what went wrong. The purpose of exploring what each person has contributed is to better understand the past, and plan ways to change interactions the future.

How have I contributed to the current situation? / How have they contributed to the current situation?

c)Impact & Intentions: We are in the habit of demonizing others’ intentions and sanitizing our own: “If they did something that hurt me, it’s because they meant to. If I did something that hurt them, it was an unintended consequence – I had good intentions!” Instead, use this part of the worksheet to disentangle intent and impact.

What impact has this situation had on me? / What were their intentions?
What were my intentions? / What impact might this situation have had on them?

2)The “feelings” conversation: This conversation involves the feelings each person brings to the conversation: fear, sadness, anger, confusion, etc. In exploring your feelings, note that the point is not necessarily to share these feelings with the other person. Rather, it is to understand what feelings inform your experience of the conversation. From there, you can decide whether or not it is useful to share your feelings with the other person.

How do I feel about this situation? / How might they feel?
Which feelings are hardest for me to express? Why?
Which feelings are hardest for me to hear? Why?
Which feelings make sense to share? Why?

As adapted by JustLead Washington

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen (New York: Viking Penguin, 1999)

3)The “identity” conversation: This is the conversation you have with yourself, about yourself. It’s the conversation that asks, “What does this all say about me? Am I a good person? Loveable? Competent?” Just as identity is an important dimension of what you bring to a conversation, it is useful to imagine what identity issues the other person might be bringing to the conversation.

What do I fear this situation says about me? / What might they think the situation says about them?
What is true about this?
What is not?

4)Purpose: Make a list of those things you’d like to get out of the conversation. In doing so, consider three purposes that are helpful for almost all difficult conversations:

a)Learning: What do you need to understand about the other party’s story?

b)Expression: What perspectives, feelings, interests or requests do you wish to share with the other party?

c)Problem-Solving: Once you have listened to their views and expressed your own, then you should proceed to problem solving.

What are my purpose(s) for having this conversation?
Over which of these purposes do I have control?

5)Prepare an opening line. Think in advance about how you might begin the conversation.

As adapted by JustLead Washington