Guidelines for Forgiveness
Reconciliation must precede resolution
How we deal with conflicts is important because good intentions often aren’t enough, and it’s relatively easy to make a bad situation worse. Following these guidelines will help ensure that your interaction is helpful and not hurtful.
· Focus on reconciliation, not resolution. Reconciliation has to do with the relationship and resolution with issues. If you don’t restore the relationship before attempting to solve the issues, it’s very probable that neither will happen. Reconciliation involves replacing hostility and separation with peace and friendship. It’s more than just declaring a “cease-fire.”
· Remember that harmony is more important than who is right. In God’s priority system, when unity is at stake, harmony is more important than who is “right” in this situation.
· Deal with perceptions. It really doesn’t matter what you thought you said or did. What matters most is what the other person perceived you to say or do. Perceptions represent perceived reality.
· Attack the problem, not the person. Attacking others will result in character assassinations, not reconciliation or resolution.
· Ask questions, don’t make statements. If you’re seeking to understand, you’ll ask clarifying questions. If your goal is to be understood, you will make statements.
· Disagree without being disagreeable. It’s okay to agree to disagree. Don’t make it a “win - lose” situation.
· Make concessions and compromises. If you are really concerned about the other person’s interests as Philippians 2:4 says you should be, then you should be willing to defer to those interests.
· Limit Complexity. Address one offense at a time. Complexity confuses.
· Take Turns. Don’t interrupt.
Forgiveness is incomplete if not applied to both the action and the effects.
Model for Apology
"I'm sorry that you experienced (effect) and it grieves me that I hurt you by (action).
Will you forgive me?"
“Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.” Martin Luther King
Dealing with Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the only solution to hurt and anger.
It’s important to understand the role of forgiveness in conflicts. The most common problem in unresolved conflicts and unreconciled relationships is that one or both parties are harboring hurt and anger and withholding forgiveness. Withholding forgiveness gives the devil a foothold. Giving forgiveness allows God’s grace to bring healing to the relationship. Forgiveness must be applied correctly or it can be shallow or incomplete.
Like turning on a light switch in a dark room that allows power to flow through the wires and light to fill the room, forgiveness allows God’s grace to flow into a broken relationship and bring healing.
One of the biggest problems in the Body of Christ is an unforgiving spirit. There is somebody we’re mad at, and that resentment can ruin our lives.
– Jim White
Forgiveness Quiz – Pop Quiz Time! (5 min do alone.)
T F 1. Forgiveness is understanding another’s hurtful behavior.
T F 2. Forgiveness is forgetting the damage done or the act that
caused it.
T F 3. Forgiveness is a feeling.
T F 4. Forgiveness depends on repentance by the offender.
T F 5. Withholding forgiveness is not sin.
T F 6. Forgiveness is an issue of obedience.
T F 7. Forgiveness is an act of the will.
T F 8. Relational healing cannot occur apart from forgiveness.
T F 9. Forgiveness is not primarily between the offended and the
offender.
T F 10. Forgiveness involves releasing another from the debt they
owe you and being willing to be hurt again.
Forgiveness Defined
1. Forgiveness involves releasing hurt and anger and experiencing and expressing sorrow and regret.
2. Forgiveness involves releasing another from a liability, canceling a debt, offering a pardon without resentment or desire for revenge.
What Forgiveness is Not
1. Forgiveness does not mean justifying or just understanding another’s hurtful behavior.
2. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the damage done or the act that caused it.
3. Forgiveness does not mean denying that you have been hurt or offended.
4. Forgiveness does not mean you only need to forgive if they repent.
5. Forgiveness does not mean you are to make it easy for the offender to hurt you again.
6. Forgiveness is rarely a one-time, climactic event. It is most often a life-long process.
The Nature of Forgiveness
1. An act of the will — it’s something you choose to do.
2. An issue of obedience — it’s a command of Scripture.
3. The key to relational healing — it’s God’s only solution.
4. Primarily between you and God — it’s sin to withhold forgiveness.
5. A free gift — it’s something you give, not something others earn.
6. An event and a process. It has a beginning and it is ongoing.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
Elements of Forgiveness
1. Experiencing and expressing sorrow and regret.
2. Releasing hurt and anger.
3. Canceling a debt.
Four Promises of Forgiveness (What it means to say “I forgive you”)
1. I will not dwell on this incident.
2. I will not bring this incident up and use it against you.
3. I will not talk to others about this incident.
4. I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.
Love is the commitment of my will to the needs and best interests of another regardless of the cost to me. – Bill Thrall
The Process of Forgiveness (Forgiving when it’s hard)
1. Ask God to help you understand how and why you were offended.
2. Acknowledge and release any hurt and anger.
3. Release the person from the debt they owe you.
4. Remember that forgiveness is a choice, an act of obedience, not a result of feelings.
5. Tell God of your choice to forgive the person.
6. Confess your sin of withholding forgiveness and harboring hurt and anger.
7. Purpose not to bring it up again.
8. Understand that offering forgiveness benefits you.
9. Be willing to be hurt again if God allows it. Exception: physical abuse.
8 A’s of Apology - (What it means to sincerely say “I’m sorry”)
1. Address everyone involved — include all who are affected by the conflict.
2. Avoid “if,” “but,” and “maybe” — don’t try to justify or explain your actions.
3. Admit specifically — include both attitudes and actions.
4. Apologize for the damage done — communicate sorrow and regret for hurt experienced (effect) and the action that caused it.
5. Accept the consequences — this may involve some form of restitution.
6. Alter your behavior — what you will do differently in the future.
7. Ask for forgiveness — specifically ask, “Will you forgive me?”
8. Allow for a response — pause and accept their forgiveness with “thank you.”
Being emotionally unable or unwilling to forgive means that you remain emotionally under the control of the person who wronged you. – Paula Rinehart
Forgiveness is primarily between you and God.
Effective Forgiveness
1. Forgiveness is only effective if it is applied correctly - addressing both the action and the effects.
2. Healing begins when we communicate that we understand how our actions impacted another. Experiencing and expressing sorrow and regret is essential.
3. “May I ask how what I did affected you?”
4. How do you apologize when you did not do anything wrong?
Model For Sharing Hurts And Offenses / Model For Apologizing“It hurt me when ______(action) and it made me feel ______(effects)” / “I’m sorry that you experienced ______(effects) and it grieves me that I hurt you by ______(actions). Will you forgive me?”
Time won’t heal hurts, but it takes time to heal hurts.
Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:5
Personal Application
· Is there unresolved anger in my life?
· What is the hurt it is related to?
· Is there someone you need to forgive or something you need to accept God’s forgiveness for?