Complications of the Mind by Emilya7820031-20 Tbc

Complications of the Mind by emilya7820031-20 tbc

Summary: After Brian's invitation to move in, the boys deal with many problems in their own ways. Warning: Some of Brian's actions may seem out of character. Reviews are welcomed.
Rating: NC-17
Categories: Fanfic
Characters: Brian Kinney, Justin Taylor, Michael Novotny, Ben Bruckner, Emmett Honeycutt, Ted Schmidt, Lindsay Peterson, Melanie Marcus, Gus, Jack Kinney, Jennifer Taylor, Joan Kinney, Craig Taylor, Ethan Gold, Daphne Chanders, Hunter, Debbie Novotny
Genres: Angst, Sequel, Timeline: Season 4, Timeline: Season 5
Warnings: Unsafe Sex, Violence, References to Suicide, Abuse, Suicide, Child Abuse, Anti-Michael, Anti-Ethan
Challenges: None
Series: None
Published: 24 November 2004
Updated: 16 February 2005

Index

Chapter 1:
Chapter 2:
Chapter 3:
Chapter 4:
Chapter 5:
Chapter 6:
Chapter 7:
Chapter 8:
Chapter 9:
Chapter 10:
Chapter 11:
Chapter 12:
Chapter 13:
Chapter 14:
Chapter 15:
Chapter 16:
Chapter 17:
Chapter 18:
Chapter 19:
Chapter 20:

Chapter 1:

After Brian’s backhanded invitation to move in, such as it was, Justin sat at the counter until he heard the shower click on. He hadn’t really thought it was a proposal but he thought Hemingway had once written, “Wasn’t it pretty to think so? He tried not to think of all the ways that simple phrase could apply to his life with Brian. He feared how Brian would react to his news but he doubted it’d be good. Then, he considered, of course it won’t be good.
He had to admit he’d been waiting years for Brian’s invitation and had thought it might have come after Brian’s bout with cancer but still he’d hoped that it wouldn’t cause a life crisis for the man to make the move. This time he felt sure the words were genuine and heartfelt. It seemed Brian was finally growing up and somehow that thought made him sad. It also reminded him of Miranda’s words. He had no idea how he was going to break the news to Brian about Brett’s offer and his immediate acceptance. Hell, he thought, I didn’t even think about it. I just went ahead and said yes. He had just impulsively said yes without giving a consideration to Brian. Since he nearly always thought of Brian first, his action was even more surprising and out of character.
“Hey,?Brian said, from behind him. “I expected you to join me.? He wore only a white towel, the towel riding low on his hips, the shadow of his pubes just faintly visible.
Justin took a deep breath; he always loved seeing Brian wet but now it was distracting. He looked like a Greek god coming out of the sea, an always erotic image. His very own Greek God come to life. “We need to talk.?
The change in Brian’s attitude was immediate. Justin could see him stiffen his carriage, standing taller. He could practically see the walls going up. “Let me get dressed,?he said in a terse voice. Something told Brian he wouldn’t want to do this naked. He felt a tiny frisson of fear as he disappeared out of view, emerging in a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt. His collar bone still ached from where he’d broken it and the hot water had felt good. It would have been even better if Justin had joined him.
“What??he asked, aware his voice was sharp.
“You know I want to move in with you. It’s what I’ve always wanted.?
Reduced to repeating ourselves, Brian thought, knowing that when Justin was less than fully coherent it was never good. He resigned himself to the fact that he wasn’t going to like what his partner was going to say. “But?? He knew there was a “but? The blond’s statement practically begged for its inclusion. “Spit it out, Justin.?
No Sunshine, no Sonny boy, just my name, Justin thought. He’s just erected a wall. Fuck. That he had that effect on Brian made him hurt and nearly brought tears to his eyes. “Brett offered me a job as assistant art director on the movie.?
Brian carefully kept his face devoid of any expression. Well, he thought, I suppose that’s my answer. Well, we had a good run. Time to buck up, kiddo. You knew this wouldn’t last. Brian could practically hear his father’s voice in his head saying that he wasn’t worth jackshit. Don’t let ‘em ever see how much they hurt you, he reminded himself. “And.?
“I took it,?Justin said, looking down at the floor.
He can’t even meet my eyes, Brian noted. “I see.? You’re leaving me again! The thought that it wasn’t another guy was of little comfort to him at the moment. He’d known that wasn’t it even though there was a tiny hint of something when Justin had told him about fucking Connor James. Miranda’s reminder about telling Justin how he felt sooner than later suddenly flashed in his mind. Nope, not going to do it. Not going to say, I love you. Don’t go. Not going to be weak over him. Knew this was always going to happen, that one day he’d move beyond me. Instead of voicing his fears and undeniable regrets, Brian asked, pleased that his voice didn’t break, “When do you leave??
“A month,?Justin said. “Maybe a little less. I’m not renewing my lease at Daph’s.? As he looked at Brian, he saw him retreating further away, into the shell that had once guarded his heart. He wished fervently that the man would just talk to him. But that wasn’t Brian’s way and even when they were talking because they couldn’t have sex it was a last resort.
Not much time, Brian thought. He couldn’t believe how much this was hurting him. He was giving Justin everything he could and once again he was being left behind. He couldn’t believe the words that came out of his mouth. “You should go. It’s a great opportunity for you. Just think of all those stars you’ll fuck.? Like Connor James. The name gaining some mythic importance every time he rolled it around in his head. And the timing just couldn’t be worse.
Justin stared at him. Fuck. This is killing him and he won’t tell me because of his pride. “Are you withdrawing your offer?? His voice was soft and small. Please don’t ask me what’s with the tiny voice. I can’t bear it. As much as this is hurting you, it’s not any less painful for me.
Brian had to take a moment to think and a deep breath. He was so tempted to say “yes?out of spite, but simply shook his head. Open another vein, he thought. “No. I would still like us to try the living together thing even if you’re Hollywood-bound. You’ll have a home to come back if–when you come back.?
“Brian, I don’t have to go,?Justin said, knowing that his lover would carve out his own heart before telling him to stay and sacrifice this opportunity for him. And he hadn’t missed the slight correction from if to when.
“You should,?he insisted. “We’ll be okay,?he said, wondering if he was giving voice to a lie. This would be their first prolonged separation since the fiddler. His mini-breakdown was excluded because everyone knew he was just losing his mind during that period. “Have you told your mom yet??
Justin shook his own head. “No, I haven’t decided what to say.?
“Just say it’s a fabulous opportunity,?Brian forced his voice to be cheerful, knowing he’d never been less genuine. “She should be happy for you. Her baby boy is going to be a success.?
Justin couldn’t bring himself to smile. He was too sad.
Was this how you felt when I told you I was going to New York? Brian wondered. Then he’d been in denial about what Justin meant to him. Now he wasn’t. He thought of the song, “The Show Must Go On,?and the line about going on even when your heart was breaking. He understood it now.
“Let’s go to Woody’s. Play a game of pool.?
“Don’t want to.? Don’t want to chance seeing any of the guys. Don’t think I can maintain this brave front for too much longer. It is hard being the strong one, the one with the fa?de of not caring especially when I care as much as the next guy and can bleed. Especially when it comes to a certain blond twink.
“Want to fuck??Justin asked, knowing too well what Brian's answer would be.
“Too tired,?Brian said, his words having a grain of truth in them. This so wasn’t what he’d been anticipating as the outcome of his proposal, er suggestion.
“I should go tell my mom,?Justin said, sensing Brian’s withdrawal and need to be alone.
“Tell Jennifer and Molly I said hi. Take the car.?
Justin hesitated and then walked over to Brian, kissing him on the cheek. He started to say “I love you?and then thought better of it. No idea how Brian would react to the words.
“Keys are on the night table.?
Justin nodded, aware of just how hurt Brian was and slightly irritated that Brian wouldn’t just admit how he felt. He didn’t know how he could possibly fix this. So he walked up the stairs and retrieved the keys, returning to find Brian in the same position as if he were permanently affixed to the hardwood floor. “I’ll be back.?
“Bring it back in one piece.?
“Later.?
“Later.?
Brian heard the loft door open and then slide closed. Sex was the last thing he wanted at the moment. He looked over at the liquor cart and noted that he was running low on alcohol. That meant one of them was drinking more and since the radiation he’d been drinking and drugging less. He was not unaware of the fact that Justin had not said I love you before he left. He was trying hard not to put too much emphasis on the oversight or the fact that it bothered him more than he cared to admit. He’s already moving away from me, he thought, reminded of his thought that Justin was moving into shadows whenever he looked at him. Seems my subconscious picked up on it before it actually came to pass.
For the first time, Brian truly felt his age. He’d lived hard, drunk and drugged hard, fucked hard, and he’d let few people close to him. He moved over to one of the light boxes and sat down on a cushion, then rested his head on his hands. He was emotionally hurt but he was also fucking pissed as hell at Justin for doing this without, at least, talking to him about it before accepting. For the first time, Brian was beginning to understand what a partnership actually meant. And it wasn’t making executive decisions without consulting the other person involved in the relationship. Especially about something as important as a job across the whole fucking country. Even after Stockwell when he was shopping his resume around, Brian would have discussed a job offer from anywhere farther away than New York or Chicago. And he wouldn’t have just accepted it arbitrarily.
When the phone rang, he knew it was not Justin. He’d call him on his way home from Jenn’s. And Brian rather doubted it was Michael. His best friend was too wrapped up in his new little girl and his new marriage. Strange thinking of Mikey as someone’s husband. “Hello.?
He could hear noise in the background and then Lindsay’s voice came on the line. “Hey, Bri. I need a favor.?
Of course you do. “What? Need me to write a check for diapers??Okay so it was borderline insensitive. Not borderline, he thought, really insensitive. He tensed waiting for the killing blow the blonde knew how to deliver so well. She’d learned some things over the years from her wife.
Sensing something in his voice, Lindsay walked outside, not wanting curious passersby to speculate about her conversation. “What’s wrong??
“Nothing.? Big lie. “What do you need, Lindz??
“I’m staying here with Mel and Gus is going a little stir-crazy.?
“Why don’t you call Dusty? I’m sure she’d be glad to watch him.?
“He’s asking for you. He wants his daddy. He’s bored stiff, Bri. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need you.?
At least someone does. “Justin’s got the car. I don’t know when he’ll be back.?
She heard a note of something in his voice that concerned her. “Everything all right??
“Just peachy,?he said sarcastically. “Can you hold out for a couple of hours??
“I’ll bring him by. I really appreciate this.?
“He’s my son,?he reminded her.
“Our son,?she reminded him.
“Hey, Lindz, how are things going between you and Mel? You think you two are going to patch things up?? Never thought I’d want the two merry munchers to get back together. But then again I never thought Lindz would get a yen for a hard dick either. Shows how well I know her, he thought resigned.
“Don’t know. She’s pissed at me for the thing with Sam and I don’t blame her.?
“Not your fault you got a yen for dick.?
“Not helping, Brian. I’m moving out of the house with Gus.?
Things were that bad, he thought. Strange I never thought Lindz and I would end up the single ones. At least not her. She was like an earth mother and her brief, lamented affair with Sam Auerbach was nothing more than a midlife crisis. He wondered if one could call it that when you were barely in your thirties. He hesitated and then he heard her voice again. “I can drop him by. Do you think you might be able to watch him for a couple of days, maybe four at the most??
“Planning on leaving the country??he snarked before he could think better of it.
“Asshole. No, but I need time to pack up stuff and it’s hard to do that with a feisty three-year-old running around. Please, Brian.?
“When have I ever turned you down?? He couldn’t help thinking that maybe spending time with his son would prevent him from dwelling on his lover’s impending departure.
“Brian, thanks.?
“Yeah.?
He hung up the phone. There went his plans for getting shit-faced. He stood and walked over to his computer, bringing up his internet browser. He pulled up Los Angeles and then began doing some research on what exactly Justin would need. God knew LA would be a completely different world than what he was used to. Maybe they needed to take a trip together before he left. That thought made him feel a little bit better. Justin would like that. They’d never done that. Never had the time to do it. Now they had the time and the money. If only Justin would agree to it. Tempted to make the airline reservations Brian decided against it. Not going to play the tit for tat game.
Jennifer’s condo?
Jennifer Taylor was stunned to see the Corvette drive up and see her son emerge alone. Brian lets him drive his car, she thought. Wow, how things have changed. She knew he never let him drive the Jeep unless it was because he was drunk and from what she understood that was more often than she might have liked. She was pleased to see him.
She went to the door to let him in. “Hi, honey.?
“Hi, Mom. Mollusk around??
“No, your sister’s at your dad’s. Sweetie, don’t you think she’s a little too old for you to be calling her by that nickname??
Justin smiled and shook his head. “It pisses her off and its fun to do that.?
“Well, that’s mature.? She just barely stopped herself from rolling her eyes. “To what do I owe the honor of your visit??
Justin got the sense that his mother was hurt by the infrequent nature of his visits. Frankly, he didn’t think it had bothered her. Guess I was wrong, he thought. “Do I need an excuse to see my mom??
“No, honey, it’s just that you went to LA for the promotion and then Brian got home from the Liberty Ride with a broken collar bone and I just thought I’d only merit a one or two-line email. Maybe a phone call if I was very good. What’s up??
“He asked me to move in. And I accepted a job offer out in LA to work on the Rage movie.?
She was rendered speechless for a moment. “I think I need to sit,?she said. Justin in California? Without Brian?
They moved into the living room area and took seats on the sofa. Jennifer went to the wet bar and poured herself a glass of wine and then turned back to her son. “You want anything??
“No, I can’t. I’m driving Brian’s car. He’ll kill me if something happens.?
She smiled at that. She could see that happening. “So tell me about California.? She wanted to tackle that first before addressing the whole moving in thing.
“Well, it was amazing. I’m learning a lot. Brett’s pretty amazing though I have some worries that my artistic integrity might be compromised. I know there’s some pressure to ratchet down the sexuality.?
“Uh huh. So did you meet anyone while you were out there??
Justin paused and studied his mother for a moment. Jennifer Taylor had changed a lot in the four years since her divorce. She was no longer Craig Taylor’s wife but a person with her own values and business and identity. “I had a thing with Connor James.?