whatwelearnfromdesolation
AntonioGuillén
‘Youwillhavepain,butyourpainwillturnintojoy.’(John16:20)
T
heschemewhichStIgnatiusgivesusinhisFirstWeekDiscernmentRulesattemptstohelpusrecognisehowconsolationanddesolationcaneach bebothpositiveandnegative.Consolation and desolation alikecantellussomethingaboutGod;equally, both of them can also turnusawayfromGod.Wethereforehaveaproblemaboutinterpretation.Howarewetounderstandconsolation and desolationwell?HowarewetofindinbothofthemtheLord’sgeneroussupport?
Evenpositiveexperienceshavetobesiftedandinterpreted.Atfirstsightwemightbeinclinedtotakeconsolationatfacevalue,as somethingto which wecanjustabandonourselvescompletely.ButtheRulessuggestthatagooduseofconsolationrequiresustothink,quitedeliberately:
Theonewhoisconsolationshouldthinkabouthowtheywillbeinthedesolationthatwillcomelater.(Exx323)
Theonewhoisbeingconsoledshouldtakecaretohumiliatethemselvesandabasethemselvesasmuchastheycan,thinkinghowlittletheyarecapable ofintimeofdesolation.(Exx324.1)
ThepointcomesacrossallthemorestronglyintheSecondWeekRules:
Weverymuchneedtopay attentiontothecourseofthethoughts … (Exx333.1)
…thentolookatthecourseofthegoodthoughtsthatitbroughtthesoul…untilitdrewthesoultoitsdepravedintention;sothatwhenthiskindofexperiencehascometobeknownandbeennoted,carecanbetakenforthefuture.(Exx334.2-4)
…becauseofteninthissecondtime,throughitsowntrain…ofconceptsandjudgments…itformsopinionsofvariouskindsthat…havetobeexaminedverythoroughly,beforefulltrustisplacedinthem.(Exx336.4-5)
Consolation,then,isinprincipleambivalent;itcandeceive.Perhaps,then,desolation,whichseemsproperlyandexclusivelytocomefromthebadspirit,canhave some benefits.Perhapswecansomehowdiscoverwithindesolationthepresenceofthe‘goodspirit’.StIgnatiusseemstohavehadnodoubtthatthiscouldbeso.SuchaconvictionseemstounderlietheFirstWeekRules.Heoffers,aspossible‘causes’fordesolation,theideathatwearebeingtestedforwhatweare,andthepossibilitythatwearebeinggiven‘trueawarenessandknowledge…thateverythingisagiftandgraceofGodourLord’(Exx322.3).Heseemstobesuggestingthatpositiveexperienceonitsowncannotyieldthis‘profit’.
ItistothisprofitthatIamreferringwhenIspeaknowofwhatwecanlearnfromdesolation.Toillustratethepoint,Iwouldliketoofferaparable.Parableisaliterarygenrenotonlyprofoundlyrootedinthegospel,butalsoused oftenbyStIgnatiusintheSpiritualExercises.SowehavetheparablesoftheTemporalKing,theTwoStandards,theThreeClasses,andeventhesuggestivewayinwhichthe‘contemplationontheIncarnation’ elaborates on Luke’s text.TheFirstWeekRulesthemselvesinclude tiny parables: the weak woman,thevain lover, and the besieged camp (Exx325-327).Soletusaddanother.
TheParableofthePool
Therewasonceapoolamidadustylandscape.Actually it was a wadi—a valley which in the rainy season becomes a stream. When it was full, itwassorefreshing.Filledwithwater,itsverypresenceradiatedlifeallaround.Itenabledallkindsofgreenerytoflourishonitsbanks.Lifeflowedthroughitswaters.It was a place for water sports.Peoplefeltattractedtocomeandbathethere,tofish,orjusttoenjoythesmoothbluewatersthatcontrastedsopowerfullywiththedrylandscape.Thepoolwasveryproudofallitcoulddo,andofallitmeantforthosearound.
Butsoonthepooldriedup.Onecouldhardlyimagineamoreappropriatesymbolofdeath.Wheretherewasoncewater,nowtherewasabsolutelynolifewhatever.Therewasnot a singletraceofvegetationanywhere in thevicinity. Atthebottomofthepool,peoplecouldseedeadfish,rubbish,and humanwaste.Thesurfacewasugly—nothingbutdirtymud,orlumpsofdry,cakedearth.No-onewouldcomeanymoreforapicnic. Peoplepreferredtoavoidit.
Thepoolbecameveryupset.‘WhyhaveI,whowasonceasourceoflife,becomeasymbolofdeath?Whathashappenedtomakemesohateful,rejectedbyeveryonelikethis,whenonlyafewmonthsagoIwas so attractive, so inviting to people?’Whereasbeforeitwasverypleasedwithitself,now itsself-imagewasjusttheopposite.Everythingconspiredtomakeitsee itselfasugly,dry,attractivetono-one,life-givingtono-one.Whatadifference!
Thenafewmonthslaterthepoolfilledupagainwithwater,andonceagainitwasbacktoitsoldchirpy self. Itforgotthefeelingsit had hadwhenitwasdry.Butthentheexperienceofdrynessreturnedagain,andwithitthesamesenseofdisorientationandmeaninglessness.
Timeandtimeagain,theinexorablecycleofrainyyearsandyearsofdroughtcontinued.Eventually,thisalternationmadethepoolthinkabit.‘Inthislife,forwhateverreason,sometimesitgoeswellandsometimesitgoesbadly.Theonlythingtodoistoputupwithwhathappensateachpoint,andnottrytounderstandwhatit’sallabout.’Butitdidn’tfindtheseideasveryencouraging.Onthecontrary,theyjustmadeitdiscontentedandbitter.
But then ithadanotheridea. ‘Upthere,atthesourceoftheriver,theremustbeaWellspringwhichcanmakesomethingbeautifuloutofmydirtysurfacebysendingme,freelyandwithoutstrings,theflowing waterwhichtransformsmeandmakesmeintoadelightfullake. I’m not just a pool; I’m a wadi. That’s the only thing that makes sense of these differentexperiences.’Andthatidealedthepooltoreflectevenmoredeeply.‘Howself-centredIwas,how narcissistic,whenI’djustaccept all the fulsome compliments people paid me when Iwassofullofwater.’Nowitsaw what the water truly was: agift.
Thealternationsofpositiveandnegativeexperienceshadbroughtthepoolanewwisdom.Nowitwaswellawareofhowuglyits surfacewas,butitalsoknewit always had a generous,resourcefulcompanion on its side.Itknewwhoreallydeservedthecomplimentsandtheexpressionsofthanksthatthegoodtimesprovoked,andnowitcouldpassthemontotheirproperplace.Butthepoolcouldneverhavediscoveredthisiftheonlyexperienceithadeverhadwasthatofbeingfullofwater.Itwasthankstobothexperiences,andtotheinterplaybetweenthem,thatthepoolhadhaditstruerealityrevealed,andalsothegenerosityoftheWellspring.
‘Thesecondpartofthisexercise’—soIgnatiusmightsay—‘consistsinapplyingtheaboveparableofthepool’,sometimesfullofwater,sometimescompletelyempty. Something similar can be said of thespiritualperson,whoissometimesinspiritualconsolationandatothertimesinsomethingcompletelytheopposite.Thepointoftheexerciseisforthepersontoacknowledgehowthetwokindsofexperiencecausedinthesoulcomplementeachother. Both teachusimportantlessons. Fortheveryalternationbetween them enablestheLord’s presence andgenerosityto be revealed allthemoreclearly.
Desolation’sLessons
Obviously,thecentralaimoftheFirstWeekRulesisthecompleteanddefinitiverejectionofwhatthedesolationisseekingtobringabout:‘tolancethebadones’(Exx313.2);‘indesolationitisthebadspiritwhichisguidingandadvisingus,fromwhosecounselswecannottakeawayforwardthatwillberight’(Exx318.2).TheRulessuggestthatthisrejectionoccursthroughathree-stepprocess.
Thefirststepinvolvesfirmrestraintonthenegativetendencyofthedesolation:
In time of desolation, nevermakeachange,butbefirmandconstantintheintentionsanddecision in which one was thedaybeforethiskindofdesolation.(Exx318.1)
Thesecondstepisoneofmoderatingthedesolationitself,andofforestallingitstakingrootinthesoul:
… itisveryhelpfultomakechangesinoneselfthatareagainstthesamedesolation,suchasbeingmoreinsistentinprayer,inexaminingoneselfcarefully,andinsomeappropriateextensionofpenance.(Exx319)
… sothatitresiststhevariousagitationsandtemptationsoftheenemy,becauseitcan…eventhoughitdoesnotfeelthisclearly.(Exx320.1-2)
… andthinkthatitwillbesoonconsoled,takingdiligentstepsagainstthiskindofdesolation.(Exx321)
Buttoovercomethedesolationcompletely,you need totakeathirdstep,onethatturnsthetablesonit,sotospeak.Thenwhatyoutakefromtheexperienceistheoppositeof‘whatthetempterisseeking’.Atthisstage,too,youareallowingyourselftobeguidedby‘thecounselofthegoodspirit,whichalwaysremains’.Whatthisamountstoisarereadingofthedesolationfromthemoresereneperspectiveaccordedbytheconsolationthatfollows. Though the desolation was at the time a negative experience, its deepest significance is a positive one.
Ofcoursedesolationisanunpleasant,dark,negativeexperience.Butwealsoneedtorecognisethatinthesubsequent consolationwereceivethegiftofbeingabletoreaditinanotherway,and that—againstallourexpectations—itcan nowgiveusnewandwonderfulbenefits.Themessage’s‘container’isnegative;themessage’s‘content’—nowthatwehavemovedbeyonditsimmediatelypalpableeffects—isanythingbut.
ThekeytextforunderstandingthisthirdstepistheninthofIgnatius’Rules.Thisruleisaboutthelessonstobedrawnfromdesolation,andIgnatiussummarisesthemunderthreemainheadings.
TheNeedtoCultivatetheGiftReceived
Thefirstofthe‘causes’(hecouldhavesaid‘purposes’or‘lessons’)thatIgnatiusdiscoversindesolationisdescribedasfollows:‘becausewearetepid,lazyornegligentinourspiritualexercises,andthusbecauseofourfaultsspiritualconsolationdistancesitselffromus’.HeisechoingherewhattheangelsaidtotheChurchinLaodicea:
… because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I am about to spit you out of my mouth. For you say, ‘I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing’. You do not realise that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. (Revelation 3:16-17)
Thereproachisdirectedatspiritualpeoplewhoconsiderthemselvesself-sufficient,as‘permanentownersofconsolation’.Forthetruthisthatifconsolationisnotcultivated,it‘distancesitself’.Ignatiusthusinsistsontheneedfortending.
Everythingprecious,everythingvaluable,needstobecaredfor.Ifgoodseedistoproducefruit,itmustbeplanted in rich, deep soil,notinrockyground,oramongthorns,oronthepath.Thenitiscultivatedandwatered;ifthereisnorainweuseawaterwheeloramachine.Ifitlooksasthoughitisdryingup,wetakethisasasignthatitneedsmorewaterorbettercare.
Whenthepoolrealisedhowmuchitdependedonthewater,itbegan to think about taking proper care of itself. Whenthewaterlevelwentdownsuddenly,itwouldlooktoseeifithaddevelopedsomenewcrackssomewhere.Thenitwouldfillthosecracks—animportantwayofkeepingholdofthewaterithadandopeningitselftoreceivemore.Itwasgratefulfortheearlywarningithadreceived,becauseitcouldtakesomestepstoputthingsright.AndnootherresponsecouldmatchtheboundlessgenerosityoftheWellspring.
When,therefore,theresultoftepidity,lazinessandnegligenceinspiritualexercisesisthatpeaceandinteriorjoy—inotherwordsconsolation—arewithdrawn,thentheexperiencecanserveasawake-upcall,asareminderoftheneedforgratitude,andasasummonstoworkmorefullywiththeGiverofall.ItisasthoughtheGiverweresayingtous,‘Doesn’tthegiftyou’vereceivedreallymattertoyou?Yousayitdoes,butyou’renotmakingenoughspaceinyourlifetoholdontoit.’
Thebestpossiblebasisfor‘spiritualexercises’isagratefulrecognitionofthegiftsalreadyreceivedandanopennessfor whatever mightcomeinthefuture.We remind ourselves ‘whereandtowhomIamgoing’(Exx239.1),andwe regularly give thanks to God(Exx43.2).Ifthisspiritispresent,thenallour‘efforts’atprayer—whetheritcomeseasilyorwefinditdifficult—canbecomemomentsofgrateful‘colloquy’withtheGiver.
TheFragilityoftheEgo
Ignatiusstressesthesecond‘cause’ofdesolationmorestrongly:
…totesthowmuchweareupto,andhowfarwearedistantfromHisserviceandpraise,withoutsomuchrewardofconsolationsandaccumulatedgraces.(Exx322)
Desolationhelpsusto‘feelandtaste’thistruth—atruththatnospiritualpersonwilleverhaveexplicitlydenied,butequallymaywellnothaveeverreallybelievedandallowedtobecomepartofthem.
Whenthepoolwasdry,itlearntwhoitreallywas:whatitsownsurfacewaslike,andhowlittlegoodcouldbeexpectedjustfromitsemptyhole.Ittriedtogetwaterfromsomewhereelse,andwaspreparedtopayeverything it had—butthenitrealiseditjustcouldn’t.Theonlythingitcoulddowastoacknowledgethatithadnoresourcesofitsownwithwhichto‘saveitself’—oreventomaintainthecomfortableself-imagethatitusedtohave.After all, it was, really, a wadi.
But at the same time, something new dawned in its mind. It realised that its goodness had a source outside itself. It was dependent on the water that just … just … came. The weeks and months of emptiness had taught the wadi some self-knowledge. ‘No longer am I so absorbed in myself.’
Similarly,thespiritualpersonlearnssomethingaboutrealityfromhisorherdesolations,andreceivessomethingofaninoculation—thoughneveracompleteone—againstvainglory.Desolationsinvolveaprocessofpurification;nowthepersoncomestorecognisetheirownincapacitytocarryforwardtheirlife-projectofGod’sserviceandpraise.Theybegintosensealmostinstinctivelythatthingsdonotworkiftheytrytosustainthemselvessimplywiththeirownego.Theyarelearningabout what hinders their growth.
Repeatedexperiencesoftheego’sfragilityexhaustsournarcissistic selves thataresolittleinclinedtoacknowledgetheirweakness,andsopronetoputupbarriersagainstGod’sgraciousaction.We learnto‘givetoGodthe things that are God’s’(Mark12:17).Weneedtorecognisethatitssandisnosecurefoundation:we havetofindtherockonwhichthewholeedificecansafelystand(Matthew7:24).
Theexperienceofdesolationthushasanimportantandnecessarypurifyingrole.Itremovesfalsesupports,anddashesfalseandnarcissistichopes.Itputsthingsintheirproperplace,andteachesustolookattheGiverratherthanthegifts.Duringthenight,peoplelookuptoheavenfarmoreoftenthanduringtheclearlightofday.
ThePresenceofGodasGiver
Thethirdofthe‘causes’istheonewhichIgnatiuselaboratesmostfully.Itisformulatedbothcarefullyandatlength:
…togiveusatrueawarenessandknowledgesothatwemightsenseinteriorlythatitisnotfromustoapplyortohaveaccumulateddevotion,intenselove,tearsoranyotherspiritualconsolation,butthateverythingisgiftandgraceofGodourLord;andsothatwenotplaceournestinsomethingelse,raisingourunderstandinginsomeprideorvainglory,attributingtoourselvesthedevotionortheotherpartsofspiritualconsolation.(Exx322)
WhatisatstakeissimplythepresenceofGodasGiver.
Therationalebehindthis‘thirdcause’takesupandpresupposeswhathasbeensaidbefore.Itreiteratesthecallnottoattributetoourselvesthefruitsofconsolation. Howcanweexplaintheoriginof‘accumulateddevotion’?Itwouldbeabsurdtoattributesuchanincreasetooneself,havingestablishedthatonecouldneitherproduceorconserveitwhenonethoughtoneneededit.IgnatiusherecitesThomasàKempis,takingupasuggestiveimage:thosewho,
… without having wings to fly, … want to set their nest in heaven …because they presumed to greater things than pleased God they quickly lost His grace. They who had built their homes in heaven became helpless, vile outcasts, humbled and impoverished, that they might learn not to fly with their own wings but to trust in Mine.[1]
Whatisnewanddistinctivehereishowthisthird‘cause’explainsthe‘trueawarenessandknowledge’thatonereceivesfromdesolationwhenonelooksatitinhindsight,withthebenefitofasubsequentexperienceofconsolation.‘EverythingisgiftandgraceofGodourLord.’God’scharacterasGiverisrevealedinallitsmagnificenceonceonehasrecognisedone’sincapacitytoconjureupGod’sgiftsbyanyothermeans.
ThepooldiscoveredtheexistenceoftheWellspringbyrereadingpastexperiencesinawaythatwaslife-giving,vivifying—whereasanyotherreadingwaslife-denying.Noweverythingtookonameaning,thepositiveandthenegative.Bothexperiences(eventhatofbeingquiteemptyofwater)hadbeennecessaryforittosensehowtheWellspringwasalwaysthere.Thedroughtshadbeentimesofblessing.Anythingthathadbroughtthiswonderfulawarenesswasworthit.
Desolationcanoftenbeavaluablelesson,helpingaspiritualpersontovalueproperlywhattheyregularlyreceive,andtounderstandwhattheyarereceivingasagift.‘Weonlyvaluesomethingwhenwelackit’,saysaSpanishproverb,reflectingexperiencesknowntoallofus.SotootheProdigalSon’sfindinghimselfhomelessandwithoutfoodenabled him to feel the desire toreturntohisfather’shouse,andto begratefulforthegiftofbeingason.Atothertimes,desolationcantrulybeseenasamessage of support fromGodtotheperson.‘Iamhere;don’tthinkyouarealone.Ihaven’tforgottenyouorabandonedyou.Quitethecontrary.’Itislikeparentsplayinghide-and-seekwiththeirchildren—firsttheyhidebehindatree,andthentheyimmediatelyrelievethechild’sanxietybyreappearing.SotheWellspringlikestohelpthepoolsenseitscloseness.
InnoneofthesecasesshoulddesolationbethoughtofasanexperiencebeyondGod’scontrol.Theworstdesolationinhistory—thatofGoodFriday—wasanythingbutoutofGod’scontrol.WeChristianslivetodayfromthediscoverythatonthatterribledaytheloveoftheLordwasstrongerthansuffering,andfromtheconsequentrealisationthatthe‘silenceofGod’waspregnantwithwordsofhope.
PrayingThroughDesolation:RespondingtotheLord’sGoad
TheEasterstoriesintheGospelsconfrontuswithalongsuccessionofpeopleindesolation.ThecatastrophethatwasGoodFridaymadenosensetoanyofthem.Everyone,inIgnatius’language,‘madeachange’,andinnouncertainterms.Hopewaslost;thegoodnessofGodseemedtohavehiddenitself;itseemedthatJesuswasnomorethanacorpsetoberespectedorthe central figure in anicestorytoberetoldandthenperhapsforgotten. Jesus was, quite simply, dead—permanently.
Atthispoint,theRisenOnebeganto‘reconstruct’hisbrokenfriends,andtoreplacetheirreadingofeventswithanewreadingthatmadetheirheartsburnwithinthem(Luke 24:32). Thegroupofbrokenpeoplewhohadscatteredintheirunhappinessslowlyreassembled,andbegan totakeonalifeevenricherthantheyhadhadbefore.Inplaceoftheir‘barriers’andtheirdisappointments,theirpainwasturnedtojoy (John 16:20).HowhadtheRisenOneprovokedthischange?Howhadhehelpedeachoneofhisdisciplestoreadrealityanew?
InJohn’sGospel,therearethreeapparitionstodiscipleswhoareindesolation,andfromthe narrativeswecandiscoveraseriesofsuggestionsabouthowtopraythroughdesolation.ThequestionsposedbytheRisenOnegivethedisciplesresourcesforprayer,within‘thedivinehelpthatalwaysremainsforthem,althoughtheydonotsenseitclearly’ (Exx 320.2).
‘WhyAreYouWeeping?’(John20:13)
MaryMagdalenwaslookingonly forJesus’deadbody.Downcast,badlydisillusioned,shecouldseeonly deatharoundher.Shecouldinterprettheemptytombonly asevidencethatthecorpsehadbeendesecrated,asonemorebitterblow.JohnunderlinesMary’sfixationwiththetomb,andherconstantweeping.
Inthissituationofbitternessandtears,theLord’sgiftappearsthroughaquestionposedbytwo angels:‘Whyareyouweeping? Whatistheanxietywithinyouthatissappingyourlife?’Whenweareindesolation,theLord’sinvitationtakestheformofaninsistentdemandtomovebeyondourownsadness,to‘moveoutside’our‘self-love,desireandinterest’(Exx189.10),andtoovercomethemortalevilofdespair.
Itisnoteasytounderstandthatsadnessandone’sownwoundscanbematerialforprayerthatisacceptedbytheLordofLife.Nevertheless,thegiftkeepsonbeinggiven:wecanrecognisehowChristacceptsthesewounds,transformsthem,andgivesusanother,liberatingreadingofthem.Perhapsthereisnobettermaterialfordailyprayer.
Drawingonthe‘divinehelpthatalwaysremains’forher (Exx 320.2),Maryrespondstothequestion,anddiscoversthatthereisstillanelementofprayerwithinherpain(‘theyhavetakenawaymyLord’).Withoutknowinghow,sherealisesthatshecanstoplookingatthetomb(‘sheturnedaroundandsaw’).ForanyChristianindesolation,therecanbe a newperspectivethatleadsthembeyondobsessivefixationwithsadness,andallowsthemtodiscover,preciselyinwhat is causing theirdesolation,theclosenessoftheRisenOnewhoisgivinglife.Astheyrespondtohisquestion,theirfaithincreases.
‘WhoAreYouLookingFor?’(John20:15)
ThegardenerwhomMaryMagdalendiscoversbesideherrepeats the angels’ question, butwithgreaterwarmthandtakingitfurther:‘Woman,whyareyouweeping?Whoareyoulookingfortoresolveandsatisfysuchmisfortune?’Mary’sanswer,‘tell me where you have laid him’,impliesthatsheislookingforacorpse,for something thatwouldhavekeptherinthesphereofdeath.
WhentheRisenOnecallsherbyname—‘Mary!’—heisclaimingthathehimselfcangiveapositivemeaningtothebrutaldisruptionofGoodFriday.ThereisOnewhoisstilllisteningtothecryofthosewhosuffer,andgivinganswer.Andthiscanoccurforeachofus.TheLord’sfidelityisconfirmedonEastermorning. Desolation isnotthelastword,eitherofhistoryingeneral,orofourownindividual life-stories.
Marydiscoversherselfanew,andsheproclaimsthefoundationofahopethatshehadthoughtlost:herlivingrelationshipwiththeLord(‘Rabboni!’).ThroughhercontactwiththeRisenOne,shetoohas,inthefullestsense,risenagain.Hisresurrectionallowshertoreceive,asthe‘apostleoftheapostles’,thefirstecclesialmission:
‘… go to my brothers and say to them, “I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God”.’ (John 20:17)
Whatbetteranswercouldtherehavebeentoherprayer?CouldMaryMagdaleneverhaveimaginedthatshewastobesentonmissiononlyaminuteafterfeelingsojoyless,sohopeless?
Everysituationofdesolationhashiddenwithinitthissupportive provocationfromtheLord:‘Whoareyoureallylookingfor—really?’Ifwehonestlyconfronttheprovocationthatsuchaquestionrepresents,ifwetry to unearth theresponsehiddenwithinourgriefsanddisappointments,andifwerereadthemissionthat theLordhasgivenusonthisbasisalone,thenwecometosensethatwearebeingsentbytheLordtonewtasksandlaboursinawaythatisradicallydifferent.Desolationusedinthiswayhasstrengthenedourconfidence.
‘IsItBecauseYouHaveSeenMeThatYouBelieve?’ (John 20:29)
Thomasisthevictimofhisownpuncturedenthusiasm,andperhapsalsoofunacknowledgedfeelingsofguiltatnothavingaccompaniedJesustotheend (John 11:16). Thememoryofhishaving betrayed Jesus on GoodFridayisblockinghim,justaswithMaryMagdalen,Peterandeveryoneelse.Itisnoteasytoexplaintohimatthispointthatnothinggoodevercamefromwoundednarcissism.
Whatnarcissismdoesaccomplishistoinstilatotallackofconfidenceinhumanmediation.Nobodycandoanythingtoshake us outofthediscouragement and sadnessthatareconsuming us.ThatiswhatThomasisexpressinginthewildlyformulatedconditionsthat he sets forbelieving: ‘unless I see the mark of the nails …’.Butsoonafterwards,heistouchedbythe‘marvellouseffects’(Exx 223) ofthepresenceofhis‘LordandGod’ (John 20:28).HehearsJesus’gentlereproachforhishaughtydismissalofothers’report:‘So,itisbecauseyouhaveseenmethatyoubelieve?Wasn’tyourcompanions’witnessenough?’
Jesus’gentlecorrectionreferstothegroup’ssharedexperience.Ignatius would later write that the Spirit within each individual is the same Spirit that works within the whole Church (Exx 365.1). There were resources available to Thomas in the group of disciples that would have enabled him to counter his temptations. Thosewhowillbelieveonaccountoftheapostles’messagewillbeblessed (John 20:29);faithislived,fosteredandnourished corporately.ThusIgnatiusintheDiscernmentRulesadvisesthat‘anotherspiritualpersonshouldknowthetricksandinsinuationsthatthegoodsoulissuffering’asawayofpreventing‘thetemptermakingprogresswiththemalicehehasbegun’(Exx326).
Oneofthesadeffectsofdesolationisthatoneloseseventhesmallestsenseofbeingpartofacommunity,partofaChurch.Thissenseiswhatthetax collectorhas,prayinghumblyinthetemple;thisiswhatthePharisee,allegedlyprayinginfrontofhim,infactrejectsthroughhispresumptuousness(Luke18:10-14).WhentheRisenOnecomesneartoThomas,andwhenThomas’hearthasbeensoftenedbythedarkness,thenhehaslearnttobelesslikeaself-containedPhariseeandmorelike thehumble, gratefultax collector.
‘DoYouLoveMe?’(John21:15-17)
PeterhadalwaysbelievedthatJesuswasaskinghimtofollowhim,eventoPeter’slayingdownhislife.Severaltimeshehadrespondedenthusiastically,rashly,toaquestionthatwasnotinfactbeingputtohim.ItisonlyatLakeTiberias,aftertheexperienceofGoodFridayandthecollapseofhisstrength,thatheisabletoheartherealquestion:‘Peter,doyouloveme?’Likethepoolinourparable,hehashadtoseehimselfemptyinordertorecognisethathisstrengthisagift,andthateverygiftrequiresthereceiver togivethanks.
WhenPeteranswersatthispoint—atlastwithsomehumility—heisonceagainentrustedwithamission:‘feedmylambs’.NowindeedPeterwillbeabletofulfilthismission,andhecangivehislifein doing itifhewantsto.Thebitter,tearfuldesolationofGoodFridayhasshownhim,finally,thattheGiver’sfundamentalquestiontohimwasaboutlove.ThewaterfromtheWellspring,whichflowedthroughthepoolandmadeitsoabundant,wasultimatelydestined—likeeverythingelsefromtheWellspring—fortheSea.
Soonerorlater,peoplelivingbytheSpiritwill, like Peter,getthemessagefromtheirconsolationsanddesolations,andsimplygivethemselvesfullyandfreelytotheirsistersandbrothers.Everythingisreceivedsothatitcanbepassedonwards.Wehavetomovebeyondnarcissisticpretensions,beyondimaginingourselvesasownersofthegoodwithinus;wemustalsoavoidthetrapofseekingtoholdontoitforourownenjoyment.
Thepointofthespirituallifeisnottoaccumulateconsolations,buttobecomemoreopentoGod.Theearneedstobeattuned,themindstretched, and the body loosened,sothatGod’spresencecanbediscoveredeveninthesilence,andwecancometoloveandserveGodinallthings.Inthisprocess,desolationhasavitalrole.Its lessons are salutary.
Antonio Guillén SJ, a native of Valencia, entered the Society of Jesus in 1962. He has taught business studies, and worked for many years in Jesuit administration. He is currently director of the retreat house in Alaquás, and superior of the Jesuit community in Valencia.
[1]Thomas à Kempis, The Imitation of Christ, 3.7.4.