Premarital Counseling

Session III: The Essence of Love and Forgiveness

Note: Be sure to finish the Scripture study, readings, and exercises before session IV.

Key Ideas

  • The essence of love is commitment, not emotion.
  • Forgiveness is a decision (a moment) and a promise (ongoing) to release a person by canceling the real debt a person has with you.
  • The gospel of the Lord Jesus provides the only lasting foundation for true love and true forgiveness.

Scripture Study Guide

Instructions: Below you will find a list of verses, read each section of verses and then answer the questions to help you think about the text. Briefly explain what the verse(s) mean and how it applies to marriage. Feel free to use the required readings to help you think through your answers.

1 Corinthians 13

Question: In verses 1-3, Paul uses the phrase: “but have not love.” What does the exclusion of love do to the things Paul listed?

Question: In verses 4-7, Paul describes love. Can you summarize his thoughts in a few words?

Question: In verses 8-13, how do you see love (which never fails) affecting our life?

1 John 4:7-12

Question: What does it mean that “God is love?”

Question: How does God define love and why is it important to use His definition not our own?

John 13:34-35

Question: What does this tell us about the nature of biblical love?

Matthew 18:21-35

Question: Based on these verses, how often should you forgive your spouse?

Question: According to verses 32-33, why was the master angry with the servant?

Question: What is the extent of God’s forgiveness for you and how does that affect how you should forgive others?

Colossians 3:12-17

Question: What is the proper motivation for forgiving others? What does it say about the gospel when you refuse to forgive your spouse?

Question: What’s the difference between forbearing (bearing with) and forgiving? Why is it important to realize there is a difference? What’s the danger in confusing the two?

Question: What does it mean that love “binds everything together in perfect harmony?” And why does love to this?

Exercises

“Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving” (Paul Tripp)

How does Paul Tripp’s definition of love agree or disagree with how Hollywood & Hallmark generally portray love? How does this definition agree or disagree with how Scripture defines love?

“As you gave the ring to one another and have now received it a second time from the hand of the pastor, so love comes from you, but marriage from above, from God. As high as God is above man, so high are the sanctity, the rights, the promise of love. It is not your love that sustains your marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.” (Dietrich Bonhoeffer)

In light of that statement, and with a fresh understanding of what marriage is, here’s your chance to reflect upon your wedding vows. Write a sentence explaining what each statement means and how it reflects the gospel:

Exchange of Vows

I,______, take you, ______, to be my wedded husband/wife,

to have and to hold from this day forward

for better or for worse,

for richer or for poorer,

in sickness and in health,

to love and to cherish,

till death do us part,

according to God’s holy ordinance;

and thereto I pledge you myself.

Here are four statements about what forgiveness is not:

  1. Forgiveness is not a feeling
  2. Forgiveness is not forgetting
  3. Forgiveness is not excusing
  4. Forgiveness is not a one time event

How do these statements challenge or confirm what you already believe about forgiveness? Compare this with the definition of forgiveness in the Key Ideas.

Here are four pledges one must make to truly forgive:

  1. I will not continually think about this incident
  2. I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you
  3. I will not talk to others (condemningly) about this incident
  4. I will not allow this incident to prevent my attempts at complete reconciliation (even if immediate reconciliation is not possible)

How do these statements inform your understanding of forgiveness?

Often we refuse to forgive others because we want to (1) punish them for their wrong, (2) protect ourselves from further wrongs, and/or (3) pride, we see their sin as worse than our own. What’s wrong with each of these motives for withholding forgiveness?

How does love and forgiveness – when both offered and received – increasingly conform us to the image of Jesus?

What are a few things (not sinful things, but non-moral differences/quirks) that you find at least mildly annoying in your spouse that you know you’ll need to forbear?

Readings

  • “The Meaning of Marriage” by Tim & Kathy Keller – Chapter 3
  • “From Your Heart…Forgive” by Aaron Sironi (article)