Conscious Parenting Programmes Through Parents Centre

The following are a series of articles from Parents Centre’s ‘Conscious Parenting’ programmes – ‘Parenting With Purpose’ and ‘Magic Moments’. Centres can use these as regular features in their local paper, to run alongside information on Centre programmes and news. There is a lot of information here and we don’t intend these articles to all be used together.

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What is ‘Conscious Parenting’?

Most of us parent most of the time in an “unconscious” way . We have no parental training or education so lapse into automatic pilot and mostly, in fact, parent the way we were parented!

· Conscious parenting is “thinking” parenting. It is being intentional and deliberate about what we want for our children.

· It is looking at our children and their environment in a holistic way to determine what influences their behaviour.

· It is looking at the past and towards the future and thinking about the life we want to create for ourselves and our families.

When you think about what sort of parent you want to be consider this scenario:

It’s your 80th birthday. Your eldest child is making a speech. What would you like them to say about you?

Have you been a kind parent? Loving? Diplomatic? Hard working? Relaxed? Fun? Brave? Enthusiastic? Loyal? Tolerant? Creative? Spiritual? Patient? Wise? Humble? Polite? Compassionate? Generous? Consistent? Fair? Available? Understanding? Encouraging? Supportive? Self reliant? Sensible? Outgoing?

It is being the person that you want your child to become; their role model. Children are like sponges they watch and they listen, they take it all in and, once they are old enough, they hit a behaviour ‘replay’ button.

So conscious parenting is about being a role model. It’s thinking of the person you would like your child to become and being that person.

Parents Centre runs two Conscious Parenting Programmes – ‘Parenting With Purpose’ and ‘Magic Moments.’ Contact XXXXXX Parents Centre to find out when these programmes will be running in your area.

Contact details:

The importance of self esteem

“Self esteem may well amount to a social vaccine for all our social ills” – John Vasconcellos

Self esteem is how we feel about ourselves deep inside

· How we feel about ourselves influences all of our relationships, but especially our intimate family relationships

· Self esteem is a major key to success in life. The most functional and successful families are those where the level of self esteem is high among parents and children.

· It is in the best interests of all family members to create a home environment that fosters the growth of self esteem

Parenting for high self esteem within your family:

· Express love

· Encourage goal setting

· Communicate honestly

· Encourage independence

· Define family values

· Create security and stability

· Establish reasonable standards

· Establish reasonable discipline

· Create opportunities for success

· Express faith in your child’s abilities

· Praise your child’s real accomplishments

· Require age appropriate responsibility

· Provide emotional and academic support

It is not just important to build up our children’s self esteem but our own as well. Parents with high self esteem parent in healthy ways and are excellent role models. They have a strong sense of self and generally have a positive and loving attitude. They can separate their life from their children’s and allow them to live their own lives. They communicate open and honestly and are assertive and able to set consistent limits and boundaries.

The information is based on SKIP principles and philosophies and the research undertaken by the Office of the Children’s Commission, University of Otago and the Children’s Issues Centre. Taken from Parents Centre’s ‘Parenting With Purpose’ programmes. Copyright Parents Centres New Zealand Inc

The importance of parents meeting their own needs

It is vital for parents to meet their own physical, emotional, social, intellectual and spiritual needs because;

· Children tune in to and pick up what is happening in their environment. They react and respond to the emotional states of their parents and caregivers.

· Parents are better able to meet their children’s needs if they meet their own needs first.

· Children often misbehave when their needs are not being met.

So think of your needs – what are they? And make some effort every day to meet them.

An ‘Ideas Bank’ for recognising your needs;

Physical:

Exercise, daily walk, jog, swim, yoga, regular meals, healthy food, attractive surroundings, a home that is a haven, physically healthy, safe, secure, routines and structure, physical contact, attractive, slim, fit, toned, regular haircuts, makeup, facial, beauty therapy, gardening, enough sleep, relaxation, massage, back rub, bath.

Social/emotional:

Friends, family, intimacy, wide network of acquaintances, daily contact with friends, supportive and healthy working relationships, known and respected in community, a good neighbour, sexual fulfilment, to feel accepted, supported, worthy, loved, appreciated, valued and understood.

Intellectual:

Stimulating conversation, time to read books, time to think, study, work challenges, academic qualifications, visits to movies, theatre, concerts, hobbies.

Spiritual:

Church attendance, time alone, walks in bush, closer to nature, meditation, journal writing, prayer, spiritual reading, spiritual mentors, beliefs, affirmations, music, writing, art, painting, creating, gardening.

Building healthy family relationships

Having an intimate relationship where we feel loved, valued and understood is a basic human need.

In a healthy relationship both parties feel their needs are being met.

In an unhealthy relationship one or other person is unhappy. Their needs are not being met and this lowers their self esteem.

Children who live with parents/caregivers who are in an unhealthy relationship can suffer long lasting damage.

Research into relationships shows:

· Children benefit most when their parents have a strong relationship

· Couples need to relate happily with each other

· In families where the parents are not living with each other the parents can best help their children by minimising their exposure to destructive conflict

· High levels of parental conflict create emotional distress in children and decrease effective parenting skills

Dr John Gottman: Founder of the University of Washington, Department of Psychology, Family Research Centre, The Gottman Institute

The secrets to relationship success

These might seem obvious to some while for others they can seem very difficult to achieve;

· Love

· Trust

· Honesty

· Respect

· Encouragement

· Appreciation

· Support

· Acceptance

Dr Terri Orbuch, a research scientist at the University of Michigan, studied one group of couples over 16 years. Her findings overwhelmingly pointed to one factor; how couples deal with conflict is the secret to a happy marriage.

Some tips for dealing with conflict in relationships;

· Pick your battles

· Bring issues up in a non-threatening way – i.e. don’t personally attack but talk about the behaviour and how you felt about it

· Use “I” instead of “you” statements – e.g. instead of “You are always late home” try “I feel upset when you are not home in time.”

· Try to stay calm. Studies show that the calmer you are the more you are taken seriously, so take a deep breath and count to 10.

· Take a break for a few minutes. This can allow you to compose yourself and help to diffuse the situation.

· Choose the right time. Late at night when people are tired, when you are hungry, the children are around or if you have a work deadline – these are all not good times!

· Try to see things from your partner’s perspective. Try to find an element of truth in what they are saying – i.e. “I can understand how you feel upset.”

More secrets to relationship success:

· Open, honest communication

· Daily communication

· Really listening

· Talking about thoughts and feelings

· Loving physical contact

· Appreciating your partner – and showing it.

· Love and acceptance

· No put downs

· Financial honesty

· Positive attitude

· Separate identities/able to be ‘self’ in relationship

· Ability to control and work with anger and conflict constructively

· Laughing together

· Knowing when to give your partner time and space

· Having outside interests

· Building up your self-esteem

· Focusing on your partner’s positive attributes

· Putting your relationship first – before all others

· Talking about resentments before they grow

· Getting counselling

· Spending time alone together

· Having weekends and holidays together

· Romantic surprises

How can I meet my children’s needs?

Challenging behaviour in children is often a sign that their needs are not being met.

All children have the same basic needs. They also have needs that are unique to them.

The primary need of children is to form secure attachments in their early years. Secure attachment is a loving, emotional relationship with at least one consistent and reliable caregiver. If this doesn’t take place the development of the brain can be affected, in particular the capacity for empathy and compassion towards others.

An ‘Ideas Bank’ for children’s needs;

Physical

Healthy food, regular meals, daily exercise, good hygiene, hair care, care of teeth, enough sleep, safe environment, clean clothes, play, outdoor exploration, health checks, routines, structure, order, boundaries, limits.

Social

Communication, talking and listening, time with parents, ‘down’ time, healthy and positive role models, opportunities to socialise with children their own age (preschool, playgroups, crèche etc) and with different ages and generations, opportunities to learn how to relate to others.

Emotional

To feel loved, trusted, respected, understood and appreciated, accepted for who they are, able to express feelings, feelings acknowledged and accepted, genuine praise, uniqueness recognised, attention, a secure environment, family harmony.

Intellectual

Honest, open, respectful communication, questions answered, exploration, new experiences, reading and being read to, play

Children and Stress

One thing children do not need in their lives is stress. Stressed parents have difficulty meeting their children’s needs. Children easily pick up on parent’s stress and this causes disharmony and unhappiness in families.

Stress will always be a factor in our life; parents need to learn how to handle it well. Children cope better with their lives if their parents are coping.

The research

Factors that increased or decreased stress hormone levels in children and parents were studied as part of the Sloan Working Family Study at the University of Chicago. Stress levels were gauged by measuring cortisol levels.

The findings:

· Parents stress levels were found to be lower when parents felt productive, engaged and challenged

· Pre-schoolers were found to have higher stress levels when they lived in a home that had higher levels of conflict between parents and low levels of parental involvement and warmth

A research team at Flinders University in Adelaide looked at stress affecting families and children and the effects of this on preschool adjustment.

The findings:

· Stress in the home had a negative effect on children’s adjustment to preschool.

· High levels of stress negatively affected the preschooler’s ability to cooperate with other children, relate to the teacher, concentrate and follow instructions

· Stress relating to health, marriage problems and problems with discipline affect young children the most

· Clear, calm communication and lots of love and support from family members are the key ingredients in helping children in stressful family situations.

So how do you reduce stress in your life?

An ‘Ideas Bank’ for reducing life’s stresses;

Exercise, go for a walk, swim, read a book, delegate, talk about it, set realistic (small and achievable) goals, meet up with friends, concentrate on having regular nutritious meals, join a support or community group, take time out for self, bath, relaxing music, massage, get out of the house, get plenty of sleep, turn off your cellphone, say “no” to people, drink lots of water, have fun!, stop trying to be super human, let the housework wait, go out with your friends regularly, meditate, martial arts, pilates, yoga, take one day at a time, one hour at a time if you need to, plan ahead, do unpleasant jobs first, remind yourself that ‘this too shall pass’, remind yourself to ‘stop and smell the roses’ and enjoy your children and your family.

An ‘Ideas Bank’ for saving time or finding more time in your life;

Freeze meals, lower standards, let your phone go to its answer service, learn to say “no”, share childcare, ask for help, accept offers of help, delegate more (to partner, children or colleagues), give your child some quality time so that their needs are met before tackling jobs, do all of one job at once (e.g. ironing), car pool, check messages, emails, facebook etc less regularly, watch less television, exercise in the morning to give you energy.

And Finally…

“Parents must be like miners prospecting for gold” – Nathaniel Branden

As parents we should focus on finding the gold and focusing on it. Focus on what we love about our children can help to turn a difficult parent/child relationship around, strengthen an already strong bond and make children want to cooperate.

Tools for transforming difficult parent/child relationships:

· Focus on meeting your children’s needs

· Show your child you love them every day – don’t just say it

· Structure your child’s life

· Listen to your child

· Treat your child with respect

· Be someone your child can trust

· Meet your own needs so you are better able to meet your children’s