Seven Sad Songs
a series of silly relationship plays
by Bri Laskey
CHARACTERS:
2-5 couples:
John, Brad, Billy, Dick, Jimmy
Marsha, Janet, Sally, Jane, Mary
PROPS LIST:
- 2 Newspapers
- 2 Coffee mugs
- Coffee
- Teapot
- Tea
- Eye drops
- Knife
- Onions
- Wooden paddle
- iPod
- Canapés
- Aluminum tray
- Briefcase
- Magazine
- Scissors
- Purse
- 1 diet soda can
- 6 pack of “Rire”
- Jellybeans in a small non-breakable dish
- Something beaker-like
RECOMMENDED SONG LIST:
- Don’t Let the Sun Catch You Crying by Gerry and the Pacemakers
- Cry Me a River by Ella Fitzgerald
- No Woman, No Cry (Dance Remix) by London DJs
- No Woman, No Cry by Bob Marley
- What a Crying Shame by The Mavericks
- Big Girls Don’t Cry by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons
- The Tracks of My Tears by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles
- Cry, Cry, Cry by Johnny Cash
- While My Guitar Gently Weeps by George Harrison
- Three Little Birds by Bob Marley
- Single Ladies or Bootylicious by Beyonce
- Bad Day by Daniel Powter
DIRECTOR’S NOTES:
Actors should go big, really big! The more the actors play and have fun with the piece, the better the lines will read in the audience. If it feels silly or melodramatic at times that’s okay, it’s supposed to be larger than life. Actors are also free to adlib and change lines to work with what they are doing in the scene.
Feel free to cut Act One and the Intermezzo to allow the flow of the play to work better. You can call the production “Six Sad Songs” and the play should run about an hour with transitions.
The play works really well with minimal set: two armless chairs, a table and a coffee table, these pieces can be maneuvered in a variety of ways throughout the progression of the play starting with all pieces on stage and ending with a single chair for the final scene. Also, it is recommended to keep a props table onstage for actors to use at will and play with in the scenes when required. It is further recommended to make a complete mess of the stage: Actually spill jellybeans, spill coffee, slosh about “Rire” (water) – it adds nicely to the deconstruction of reality as the play careens along to the peak of madness (act seven) and the end.
If you use stagehands, keep the lights up and have them play with the piece as well during the musical transitions. They can drink the left over tea, choreograph moving set pieces, and play with the props. They just must be quick and comical like the rest of the piece. The main objective is to change scenes, but it’s nice to put on a show while doing it!
It isn’t written in, but if an act calls for more music (like the No Woman, No Cry dance remix reference, the Bad Day reference, or the Beyonce reference) you can feel free to add it in if possible (either through sound or through the actor singing it). But only if the music doesn’t slow down the pace of the play. Noted, the first staging did not do this, but it may work in future productions and is encouraged.
Act One: “Don’t Let The Sun Catch You Crying” – Billy/Sally
We are in the cozy, little kitchen nook of a cozy, little home. It is morning, the sun steams in a bright white-yellow glow. No one is up yet, there is not breakfast awaiting the first person down to the kitchen. Despite this fact, it still looks like it shall be a happy, beautiful day. BILLY enters in SR with a newspaper, he sits down at the breakfast nook to read it. Suddenly something catches his eye, he pulls a bit of paper out of his pocket, checks the newspaper again…
BILLY: Honey!
SALLY (offstage, grouchily) Mm? What?
BILLY: Honey! Come in here! I have something wonderful to show you!
SALLY: (offstage) What is it? I just want to sleep for five more minutes…
BILLY: Honey, please come in here. I really want to show you something. You won’t want to sleep when you hear this news!
SALLY: (entering looking worse for wear than BILLY does) What is so great about this news?
BILLY: Honey, look! Look! (shoving the bit of paper in her sleepy face) We won! (SALLY takes the bit of paper and tried to focus in on it) I can’t believe it, but we won!
SALLY: Won what?
BILLY: The lottery! $120 million! It’s all ours! I can’t believe it. Who would have thought that it could happen to us? (he enthusiastically hugs her)
SALLY: Are you sure?
BILLY: Yes! Yes, of course I checked! 2-3-10-58-69, see? There are my numbers!
SALLY: (squints at the ticket) I think this ticket is from last year.
BILLY: What? (checks again) No, it isn’t! You scared me there for a second!
SALLY: Well, then this paper has to be yesterday’s. People like us don’t win the lottery.
BILLY: This is today’s paper. People like us winning - that is what makes today so amazing! I’m going to go cash this in right away. (turns to go offstage) Make some coffee for us will you? When I come back we’ll go into work, quit our jobs, and then celebrate out at a fancy brunch! Can you imagine – winning the lottery?
SALLY: Fine. I’ll make the coffee, but I think this is all a big scam.
BILLY: The lottery is not a scam, dear.
SALLY: It is to everyone who just lost today, don’t you think?
BILLY: Oh their numbers are coming one day, but today is all ours. It happened for us!
SALLY: (unenthusiastically) That’s just great!
BILLY: Of course it’s great! (hugs her, then inquisitively) Why wouldn’t this be great? We just won more money than God!
SALLY: (sarcastically, but lovingly) Well, that’s pretty easy, honey, I don’t think God actually has any money…
BILLY: (ignoring her and plowing right through with his point) We’re going to be set for life. We are going to be able to send the kids to college, with cash! Buy a bigger house in a nicer neighborhood, with cash! Buy fancy new cars smelling like fresh pistons and newly tanned leather off the lot, with cash! This money is going to enhance our lives, darling.
SALLY: Yeah, but…
BILLY: But what?
SALLY: We have to pay taxes on all of this money.
BILLY: So? With the interest we gain from just putting a million in the bank we can pay it off.
SALLY: But, people will know, they’ll find out and want money from us.
BILLY: So what? It’s $120 million! We can afford to let people know. So what if a few cousins twice removed come out of the woodwork? We can take care of our parents and our siblings! We can be anonymous benefactors to galleries and theatres. Heck, we can even give homeless people $100’s and just see what chaos happens! Money doesn’t have to be the root of all evil, you know?
SALLY: I just don’t like it. This feels suspicious.
BILLY: Some evil force in the world wanted you to win this money to feel guilty about it?
SALLY: I don’t feel guilty about it necessarily. I just don’t like it.
BILLY: Well, I know it certainly feels surreal. But I think you’re the only person who can see the bad side about winning free money.
SALLY: It’s not free! You’ve been playing this silly numbers game ever since I’ve known you. If anything that’s your money, you’ve earned it.
BILLY: Then why can you be happy? Why can’t you be as excited about this as I am?
SALLY: You’re an optimist, let’s just say, I’m more realistic.
BILLY: You’re a pessimist, that’s what you are. Well, I’m sorry darling, you can’t bring me down today!
SALLY: Hey, I face facts. But I also know that in every relationship, there needs to be someone with their head in the clouds and someone with their feet on the ground. I’m rooted firmly. And I still say I don’t like this. It’s going to change us; it’s going to change our lives.
BILLY: Okay, so change is scary, but this is going to be good I promise! Look, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, we won the lottery, there’s just enough coffee left for the both of us, and hey look (looks down at his feet and grabs something off of the floor) I just found a lucky penny. Life is good! (Kisses her on the cheek)
SALLY: I don’t know, it looks like it might rain later…
BILLY: (Laughing at her a little and pours himself a cup of coffee and takes a sip) It will not! (sips) Ooh! That’s hot.
SALLY: See? Day’s not going so well is it?
BILLY: Coffee’s supposed to be hot, we all have to risk being burned a little so that we can enjoy the delicious rewards.
SALLY: I don’t know, maybe your luck is changing…
BILLY: Alright, alright, I know that you think I’m superstitious, playing the same numbers week after week. But I can be a realist too. I believe I make my own luck. I play every week to increase my odds. You can’t win if you don’t play, right? I play the same numbers every week because of the law of averages. It’s true that probability is the same for every set of numbers, but I figure if I stay in one place eventually the probability will eventually hit my number; better than if we’re both chasing each other.
SALLY: You really believe that?
BILLY: What?
SALLY: That you won the lottery based on statistics, not based on luck.
BILLY: Yeah.
SALLY: Really?
BILLY: (begrudgingly) Okay, so maybe a little bit of both. How can you not believe in luck? It’s like not believing in hope!
SALLY: But hope doesn’t help anything!
BILLY: Hope helps a lot!
SALLY: Oh yeah? What has hope accomplished for anyone? Just because you hope something goes your way doesn’t mean it will without any action.
BILLY: But that’s just it, hope is the first step towards action. If you feel hopeless you’ll just roll over and die! Trust me, scientists have done studies about hope.
SALLY: (pause and then in exasperation and frustration) Well, then, you’re hopeless!
BILLY: (laughs a little) Me? I’d say my hope is pretty firmly intact. I know I have hopes for both of us, and for all of this money!
SALLY: You’re a hopeless case. A hopeless optimist if I ever saw one.
BILLY: Born and bred. (Kisses her on the cheek, pause) Look, my love. My lovely, little, little, lovely, love. (Groans a little in good natured frustration and comes behind her and holds her in his arms in a firm bear hug like stance) I know I’m not going to convince that cynical little core of yours that winning this ridiculous amount of money is a good thing. (a bit softer and almost in a whisper in her ear) But believe me when I say, you’re my favorite little hopeless case.
SALLY: (sighs) And you’re mine. (pauses) But…
BILLY: What now? I’ve got to cash this thing in. We need to start our day, you know, we haven’t quit our jobs yet!
SALLY: You can’t get mad at me.
BILLY: Why would I get mad?
SALLY: Just promise okay?
BILLY: Okay…
SALLY: What if I told you - (she goes over to a cabinet and pulls out another paper) What if I told you that wasn’t today’s paper, like I told you before?
BILLY: But it is! I checked the date, (shows her) see? It is today’s paper.
SALLY: See… (hands him this paper in her hands) This is actually today’s paper. (BILLY takes a long hard look at both of them and begins to realize that he has been had, SALLY is building a nervous energy throughout her lines) You see, the kids and I know what a hard time you’ve been having a work lately, nothing had been able to cheer you up out of this funk; and we just wanted to start your week off on the right foot, so we made this gag paper for you. So you could think that you’ve won the lottery and go to work in a good mood for once. We thought you would know it was a joke right off and get a good laugh.
BILLY: What? (Crestfallen and now frantically searching through the “real” paper for his lucky lottery numbers)
SALLY: I tried to warn you as much as I could without giving the joke away. You know “I don’t think this is a good idea.” “This seems too good to be true.” I was hoping that maybe I could get up before you to preface the joke a little better. But, oh man, sometimes things don’t always go according to plan.
BILLY: But…
SALLY: I know, I know, now I see that this joke is just cruel. We really thought that it was going to be funny. You know, a parable: “hey, money isn’t everything – you still got us!” kind of thing.
BILLY: But, darling…
SALLY: (Frantically getting more and more fidgety and upset, almost on the verge of tears) Oh don’t even call me that, I don’t deserve it, I feel bad enough, as it is without you “darling”-ing me! Especially since you started talking about hopes and dreams, and statistics, and coffee risks and hopeless cases, and new car smells and the kid’s college costs, and future plans. You’ve already spent all that money in your mind, I can tell. I’ll call your boss, I’ll let him know you’re going to be running late.
BILLY: (Hold her still for a moment) Honey, you don’t understand, I’m not upset.
SALLY: (sniffles a little) You’re not?
BILLY: No, I’m not upset, because now I have something to show you.
SALLY: What is it?
BILLY: (Takes his time to flip through the paper and fold it, and hold it up in just the very right way) I won anyway.
SALLY: (Disbelieving) What? That just isn’t possible.
BILLY: There are my numbers! 2-3-10-58-69. I WON ANYWAY! (Keeps repeating “I won anyway!” and celebrates boisterously running about the room with his ticket flapping in the air above his head)
SALLY: I don’t believe it! I don’t believe it!
BILLY: Believe it, baby cause I’m the luckiest man alive today! Call my boss and tell him I quit! I’m turning this sucker in before you have a chance to tell me this isn’t real either!
SALLY: (Crying a little out of shock) But, I don’t understand!
BILLY: (Beams broadly at her, waving the ticket in one hand) I told you – sometimes you just got to have a little hope that things are going to work out.
BILLY kisses her in full force, dashes offstage SR, while SALLY stands in the middle of the stage, reaches over to pick up the other paper and just stands and stares dumbfounded at what just occurred. Slowly she makes her way over to a chair in the breakfast nook and slips silently into it, muttering softly, “I can’t believe it.” And chuckling and sobbing over the whole mess.
Act Two: “Cry Me a River” – John/Marsha
The scene opens on a sparse stage with a few pieces that indicate a chair, a sofa and two small tables. MARSHA is already onstage straightening her pantyhose, fixing her hair, fixing her make-up, and setting up props on the small tables. JOHN enters SR and stares at her butt as she leans over to fix the buckle/tie on her shoe. He shifts his weight a little and the floor creaks, MARSHA turns around.
MARSHA: Oh!
JOHN: (overlapping, stammering) Oh! I’m sorry I’ll come back later…
MARSHA:(overlapping) No, that’s okay, you just startled me, that’s all. Most people ring the bell before they come in.
JOHN: (overlapping) Pardon me, I didn’t mean to startle you, it’s just that…
MARSHA: (overlapping) It’s nothing. Don’t concern yourself about it. Please sit, relax.
JOHN: (sits ridgidly, looks at his shoes) I’ve never done this sort of thing before.
MARSHA: Well that’s no problem, sugar! Everybody has a first time! We’re very gentle. We take all kinds here. Tea?
JOHN: Tea?
MARSHA: (holding up a teapot) You know… Comes in little perforated bags, hot, good to drink?
JOHN: Oh yes. I thought you meant something else.
MARSHA: Not everything around here has to be a double entendre. But I could make a pretty lame teabag joke if you really want me to.
JOHN: No, thank you. That will not be necessary.
MARSHA: (taking a long hard look at JOHN) There’s no reason to be so nervous! You’re shaking like a leaf. No pun intended. (JOHN looks confused) Tea… leaf? (MARSHA shakes off the bad joke.) Here (hands him a small cup of tea) drink this. It will help calm you down a bit.
JOHN: Oh thank you. (sips) You’re right, this does help a little. I don’t mean to get so nervous. I just don’t want to seem like a creep, I suppose.
MARSHA: Trust me, sugar, I’ve been around here long enough and I know how to pick out the creeps. You wouldn’t have been able to come in the front door if you were at all a creep. Just relax! No one’s going to think you’re a bad guy.